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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....Confused

OP posts:
JenniferJareau · 14/03/2019 10:30

I'd take the well paid job. Yes it'll be a pain but he can be there a year then move on to a more local job that's well paid. Lots of people I have worked with work away from home. They rent a room in a house, travel up on a Monday, work 4 days then travel home.

Personally I think he would be selfish and foolish to take the local job.

NannyRed · 14/03/2019 10:31

Take the job and then consider moving to be nearer to Oh work so he doesn’t have to be away from home all week.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/03/2019 10:41

If my dh were out of work for that length of time yes, I would definitely be pissed off. The job doesn’t have to be forever.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/03/2019 10:41

I think he is unreasonable.

Given your saving are presumably completely tanked and you stepped up when he needed you to - he should at least be willing to try

Its selfish and foolish not to even see if it can work.

if he did and kept looking for other jobs so he only did it for 6 months i could respect that but not even trying is something I would find very hard to accept

Arowana · 14/03/2019 10:50

To the people saying that it’s up to DH as it’s his job, did you miss the bit where the OP gave up a job she enjoyed to earn more money while he wasn’t working? How come that didn’t apply to her?

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 14/03/2019 10:52

Well it depends on a lot of things. You’ve become the major earner, from the use of ‘locum’ can we assume you’re a medic?

If he’s paying all his expenses, travel, food and tax out if that it’s won’t be anything like £6k take-home. It looks a lot because they are, I assume, giving him the expenses to take care of which will save them money.

Travelling like that means you’re away midday Sunday to late Thursday so he’ll get 2.5 days a week with you.

Do you want him to take it so that you can change your job? You will be doing everything at home with him away. Is that workable? My job involves travel and a bit of flexibility. Without dh about I would struggle to do it.

scaryteacher · 14/03/2019 10:55

We did similar for years, and without dh coming home as he was at sea. If it sorts the finances, and has a time limit on it (if you need that), then he should do it.

I've gone from years of having dh away at sea/ working in another part of the UK/ in a different country to having him home nearly every night. I sometimes miss the former....,

DrWhy · 14/03/2019 10:57

I’d forgotten he could write off tax against expenses and hadn’t realised the local job wasn’t in his industry. I’m afraid I’m switching to, he should take it, live with the commute (make sure the tax money is put aside) and then after 6 months start applying for more local roles from the position of currently being employed in the industry. Oh and to people doubting this if the industry is oil and gas huge numbers of people were laid off, no jobs at all for 2ish years and it’s now picked up so contracts appearing again.

BunsOfAnarchy · 14/03/2019 10:59

If that was DH and i...
We'd move to this place 400 miles away!

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 11:09

Tbh there's just not enough info.

Did OP do part time because she had all the childcare and school runs or because he earned enough for her to not work full time? The latter is obvs fine but the "she had to work full time to support him!!" is less of an issue in the latter. Did he step up and take n the childcare and housework whilst job hunting or did he sit back and chill and leave it all up to OP? I'd be more annoyed he hadn't found something sooner if it was the latter.
Does OP just want him earning lots so she can quit work and go part time with kids all in high school and fairly independent so she can gym and drink Costa all day or because she does four school runs a day and all the housework?

It all affects whether either of the abu

Rock0n · 14/03/2019 11:20

£6500/month, so £325 a day. In the world of IT contracting that is on the low side, especially if working away. If going through an umbrella you would be looking at about £4k a month take home - go to one of the online calculators and plug in some numbers. Also take home pay will also depend on the IR35 status of the contract and working practises.

And don't assume that a contract will last the full term - if the situation changes the client can usually get rid of you with no notice.

downcasteyes · 14/03/2019 11:30

I think you need to take a long-term view.

A job he is qualified to do is going to be better for his CV long term. It enables him to stay in the field where he is qualified, and to earn. It doesn't have to be forever - I know plenty of people who have taken jobs for 18-24 months in order to keep their hand in at a difficult time, and who have applied for something closer to home when it came up later on.

There is a danger with taking a low-paid job for which he is not qualified, which is that he effectively deskills his CV, making it harder for him to land the plum job that is closer to home when it happens.

You can make something work at distance for a short period of time, and the 4-day week think makes this even easier.

adaline · 14/03/2019 11:32

To the people saying that it’s up to DH as it’s his job, did you miss the bit where the OP gave up a job she enjoyed to earn more money while he wasn’t working? How come that didn’t apply to her?

Well, isn't that what couples do? When one is out of work for some reason, the other steps up?

The choice here isn't that he takes this contract or doesn't work at all - he has another full-time job to take, OP just doesn't think it brings in enough money.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 14/03/2019 11:39

It wouldn’t actually be 6500 pm though. Once you factor in the tax, commuting and, costs of maintaining a second home you could actually end up with half that. Possibly less if the work is in an expensive area.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2019 11:43

It's still a damn sight better than NMW!!

Take it till something better comes up. Get yourselves ahead. Then you've got choice.

DogInATent · 14/03/2019 11:53

I think you're being unrealistic in looking at only the headline figures and short-term prospects. You seem to resent the change in your own career circumstances and need to reflect on why that is.

Is option 1 a low paid start but with longer term prospects and security of pension/sick pay/holiday over several years?

Is option 2 a short-term high income position with little security, no benefits and few prospects at the end?

Speak to your husband, he'll have his reasons - none of which you've given. He may want to choose Option 1 because he thinks it's better in the long-term and he values the better work-life balance a local position offers.

Frouby · 14/03/2019 11:57

For 6.5k a month you can afford flights home each week. Or 1st class rail travel.

If my dh was offered that he would take it, if only for a year. It's a life changing amount of money when you compare it to 0. My dh wouldn't like working away either but would take it in a heartbeat. If I was offered it so would I.

dreamingofsun · 14/03/2019 12:05

is there any flexibility to work from home one day a week in the away job? thats what my husband is currently doing. in which case it could only be 3 nights away a week. lots of permi staff i know do that anyway

GabriellaMontez · 14/03/2019 12:12

I think he should take either of the jobs or tell you his new plan. Because 6 weeks contracting in 18 months isn't working out for the OP.

Omzlas · 14/03/2019 12:17

Is accommodation included? Who pays for travel? What would be the outgoings to cover whilst he's away?

I wouldn't have a problem with DH working away, dependant on the timescales: how long the contract is, how long would it take to travel home?

More info needed

theemmadilemma · 14/03/2019 12:17

I think in terms of opportunity he'd be mad to say no.

But you do need to put yourself in his shoes and imagine how difficult it could be being away 4 days out of 7.

Ginnymweasley · 14/03/2019 12:23

I wouldn't want to be away from home 4 days a week and neither would my dh. It's not that we are insecure but I doubt either of us would want to be away from our children for over half the week. I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to do this. Everyone is different and everyone has their own comfort zones. If you do convince him to do it and he's miserable but you have the money are you ok with that?

minipie · 14/03/2019 12:26

Presumably he’s seen a lot of his family in the past 18 months? In which case, a stint of being away wouldn’t hurt so much.

If he takes the job away, can you go back to part time so you are around more for the DC to compensate for him being away?

I agree with those saying he needs to do the job in his field for the sake of his CV. A CV with 18 months off followed by unrelated NMW job is likely to kill off his prospects of ever returning to a job in his field.

I suspect he’s either lost confidence in himself and is scared of the higher job offer, or he’s got used to the easy life and doesn’t fancy the slog. OP you’ll have a better idea of which...

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 12:32

It's not a 'life changing' amount of money though really is it? That's the top line of what is presumably an insecure, short term contract.

Skittlesss · 14/03/2019 12:33

How would you feel if you were him and he wanted you to be away from him and the child/ren for 4 days a week?

Also, it’s a great wage, but how much will be eaten up by travel and accommodation?

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