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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....

OP posts:

MariaNovella · 14/03/2019 10:04

My DH regularly travels 400 miles or more there and back several times a week. I’m not sure what the issue is.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 10:05

SnowyAlpsandPeaks that's understandable but 3ik is so far away from NMW its barely comparable

Deary me, all the insecure wee wife's here, oh no he can't work away, I'd miss him, what about us oh bore off. It isn't insecurity to have settled into a relationship with a partner expecting them to be around 7 days a week and then not want them to be gone for most of the week. Just for money. There's another job on the table, he won't be remaining unemployed.

BarbarianMum · 14/03/2019 10:06

You need to talk about it but ultimately it's his decision. Personally I'd take the other job and Id not want dh to work away, however good the mobey. Not because Im insecure but because I dont want to be doing all the childwork 4 days a week on top of working.

Prequelle · 14/03/2019 10:06

I don't know why people are calling 'bollocks' out in this. I wouldn't chose the 6500 to be 400 miles away from my family 4 days a week. Not a chance.

RomanyQueen1 · 14/03/2019 10:08

He should take the first job, in fact anything local that will provide an income, unless of course he's a great sahp and you both agree to this.
I wouldn't want to be away for all that time either, nor would I want my dh not to be here.

HebeJeeby · 14/03/2019 10:10

I wouldn't want DH doing this forever. If you look at the money only then yes, £6500 gross a months sounds amazing but is it so great after deductions?

I've done a quick google:

Tax - £1630 per month
NI - £432 per month
Petrol (based on 800 miles per week at 40p) - £1386 per month
Accommodation (best guess £50 per night x 4 nights) - £866 per month
Food (best guess £30 per day if eating 'out' x 4 days) - £520 per month

Total £4834.

So actually your DH would be bringing home roughly £1666 net per month. I don't think that this amount of money is worth living away from home for 4 nights and the stress of an 800 mile round trip every week. Plus you'd be left on your own all week with the children and house to take care of. Sorry, but i think he should take the other job and look for a better paid one locally.

Halloumimuffin · 14/03/2019 10:11

Who pays for his travel and accommodation?

I used to work with someone who commuted 200 miles to us to work and stayed away from home Monday to Thursday. The additional travel and accommodation made it financially not worth it (it was academia, so he did it because it was the only department doing the research he wanted).

icannotremember · 14/03/2019 10:14

I wouldn't want DH working away, although if he wanted to and it really did make financial sense (and it might not considering the costs of a second home, travel, the extra childcare I'd need as I can't work FT and do both drop off and pick ups), I would support it on the proviso that if one or both of us was really unhappy after a certain period we'd re think.

But your DH doesn't want to. I don't think it's fair of you to demand that he does.

TheShiteRunner · 14/03/2019 10:14

It's no doubt annoying for you, but since when do spouses get to choose each other's jobs? Would you like it if he picked a job for you that meant that you spend the majority of your time away from your family?
Massively disrespectful to him to be such an arse about it imo.

Dungeondragon15 · 14/03/2019 10:16

It seems a very high salary especially considering he's been out of work for so long. Assuming your post is genuine I would consider the job if I was him if only because it is easier to get a job if you already have one. Would it be possible for him to fly there and back so that he is home for the weekend?

As for being away from family you haven't actually said you have any children. If you do it depends on their ages. If they are older teenagers for example it shouldn't be a problem.

Rememberallball · 14/03/2019 10:18

DH and I just did a rough estimate of calculations.

£6,500 a month less tax & NI - deduct around £2,600
16 nights a month B&B/cheap hotel accommodation - deduct at least £800
Travel to and from location (base date on distance likely to be train/flights) - deduct £500-1000 depending on actual location and adding in travel to/from accommodation
Food for lunch/evening meal every day away (16 days a month plus travel days at £15-20/day) £240-£320 a month

Suddenly £6,500 becomes just over £2,100 and doesn’t look anywhere nearly as attractive as it does pre deductions. And that’s without taking into account the effect on the family of being separated for much of the month.

If it’s possible to relocate as a family then that removes a number of the costs (both financial and emotional) but he is neither and nor selfish in my mind.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 10:18

If he’s out of work, and has been for 18 months, added to the fact it’s a contract, so won’t be a perm position. I think he’s bonkers to turn it down.

I’d understand him refusing it if he was in full time employment, but if you’d been financially struggling, to the extent you’ve had to go back to work full time. He’s being particularly selfish

Alsohuman · 14/03/2019 10:18

The low paid contract close to home could easily be career suicide. I’d be considering the medium to long term impact on my career if I were him.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2019 10:19

He's selfish for not wanting to be away from his family? If it were me I'd rather have him home with the lower paid job

adaline · 14/03/2019 10:20

Deary me, all the insecure wee wife's here, oh no he can't work away, I'd miss him, what about us?

What does insecurity have to do with it?

Some people don't WANT to be in marriages where they only see their other half one or two days a week. They want to raise their children with their husband around to help, not have to go it alone 5 days a week while their husband is away working.

Just because it works for you doesn't mean it's for everyone. It's nothing to do with being insecure, it's knowing what you want and sticking with it.

5amisnotdaytime · 14/03/2019 10:20

Is travel and accommodation included?
Is he allowed to search and apply for jobs whilst he is doing this contract?
Will it give him contacts for a possible job?

Is option 1 permanent?
Are there promotion possibilities?
Will it give him a broader scope when looking for something above NMW?
Does it give him a better work-life balance?
Can you get by with your salaries?
Why was it ok for you to do a great, part time, low paid job, but not him? Do you resent him for having to up your hours?

which one is most likely to be fucked over by Brexit?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 10:20

@Rememberallball if it’s a contract position, he’ll be able to claim back fuel, car usage, accommodation, food etc against his tax, because in effect, he’ll be working for himself and running his own business.

adaline · 14/03/2019 10:21

The low paid contract close to home could easily be career suicide. I’d be considering the medium to long term impact on my career if I were him.

Not everyone wants or cares about a career, though. For millions of people, a job is just a job - something you have to do to pay the bills.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/03/2019 10:22

Deary me, all the insecure wee wife's here, oh no he can't work away, I'd miss him, what about us?

Not insecure I just like my husband

Trooperslaneagain · 14/03/2019 10:22

I left a £70k package job nearly a year ago because of travelling - and a £55k one a few years before for the same reason.

Money is not everything. I had savings and an inheritance (but my parents are both dead, so I'd rather have them here clearly). It's really easy to chase after the $ but for me - work life balance is the most important thing.

What do you NEED to earn as a family, rather than being blinded by the cash? Work back from there. Also if he can do it for X amount of time and you just suck it up, make sure you're saving like mad and spending as little as possible to have some back up.

hellenbackagen · 14/03/2019 10:23

He'd be bonkers not to take the better pud one in the field he is qualified in if only for a short while
While he looks for something else or
You look at moving nearer his job.

And I wish the troll hunters would fuck off.

Op I'm with you , even if it's temporary to keep his hand in what he is qualified for.

Who really has quality time during the working week anyway? A long weekend together with some cash to do some lovely things at the weekends sounds good to me . (In the short term anyway)

Hellmistress · 14/03/2019 10:23

I cannot conceive of how someone who has had only 6 weeks contracting in the last 18 months would be looking this gift-horse in the mouth. While the OP has had to increase their hours from part-time to full-time in order to keep the wheels in motion.

What has he been doing, other than sitting on his arse for the last 18 months? The only offer other than the one working away is just above NLW and not using his qualifications. For me, it's a no-brainer: he takes the role working away from home and using his qualifications even if doesn't suit and he resigns after a couple of months. Otherwise he's likely to never be able to get back into his former role/industry/pay-scale. If that suits both of you, then so be it

Whatdoesitmatteranyway · 14/03/2019 10:25

I've spent 20 year working on that model - professional contractor.

If he's not into it, it will kill him.

It works for me and DH mostly but its not for everyone and I understand why he doesnt want it.

JeepRoadTrip · 14/03/2019 10:25

As has been said, the salary is actually on the low side for contractor rates so those calling bollocks need to calm their boots. My DH earns a similar salary but gets no holiday / sick pay and has to sort out tax / liability insurance, NIC, Pension and requires an accountant so a fair chunk will be spoken for.

Surely there is a middle ground here and it’s not simply a choice between a local NLW job or a 400 mile commute? Sign up for more agencies maybe?

The sensible option would be to do the well paid job temporarily to build experience then actively look for something more local off the back of that. My DH went from a 90m train / cycle commute to a 10m drive after building up a few years experience. I’d say it’s worth it long term.

Karigan195 · 14/03/2019 10:25

Wow I’d take it for that much per week and compressed hours so you get a super long weekend. Hell yeah!

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