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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH turning down a very well paid job

322 replies

BlinkingBrexit · 14/03/2019 09:06

Will try to be short ; DH was made redundant 18months ago and ,apart from a 6 week stint as a contractor, has not worked. He could not find work so after 7 months I left my low paid but great part time job to go full time locumming to bring in more money. To cut a long story short , after 18montgs finally he has two contract job offers on the table. Option 1 - local firm doing something not related to what he is qualified in and pay reflecting this - just above NLW . But pension and sick pay etc. Option 2 - working 400 miles away , compressed hours (4 days a week) doing what he is qualified to do for 6500 pounds a month. I don't need to say that that money woild be amazing for us - for anyone but he does not want to be away from home really . AIBU for thinking he is mad and selfish ???? Help Mumsnet I need sound advice and perhaps a cold bucket of water to stop me feeling put out ....

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/03/2019 09:42

You’ll still have weekends together and a much more comfortable life with the money

inthedistanceIsee · 14/03/2019 09:46

If you have kids he is mad and selfish. Part of being a parent is providing for your family. I come from a poor family, was affluent and now on restricted income again. I know how important money is. . Its like going through life with a protective forcefield around you. It is a contract job so not permanent. its not that uncommon for families to work like that now. The kids would still have you as a stable consistent carer.

All those people saying 'oh just relocate'. I have done that to facilitate the life my husband wanted and it fucking sucks. I hate it. Its been terrible for me and the kids. You are not obliged to fuck over your life to give him the one he wants.

SherlockSays · 14/03/2019 09:46

Nope, DH wouldn't turn that money down for 4 days a week - regardless of how far away. People work away Mon-Fri for a lot less.

ChicCroissant · 14/03/2019 09:47

Not ideal to work away, you'd have the transport costs every week on top of the extra living costs - not to mention the time away from family. I can see why he wouldn't want to do it.

mrsk28 · 14/03/2019 09:49

He should take the higher paying job, even as a temporary measure to get your finances sorted because he's been off for 18 months.

If the job is permanent I would look at relocating, turning down that kind of money for a minimum wage job is insane. You could save a lot of the 6500 each month and live very comfortably.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 09:50

Well I don't think he's selfish for not wanting to basically see you and the kids for two days a week just so you have more money.

I think it might be short sighted though depending on the ages of the kids, length of contract, debt levels, family income.

It does sound like you want him to work harder even if that means away from the family so you can go back to your nice little part time job

ShatnersWig · 14/03/2019 09:50

And yet I've seen threads over my 8 years on MN where marriages have failed because the husband works away so much... and being a "provider" financially has not compensated for the lack of family time.

TheInvestigator · 14/03/2019 09:52

@Confusedfornow

It depends on the industry and skill set. My dad has been retired for 6 years (he retired at 50), and he was very skilled at what he did and everyone in the industry knows his
name. He still get calls every couple of weeks offering him jobs which pay between 10 &15k a month. He's been out of the industry for years. So being out of the sphere for a while doesn't make it impossible to get a job... I'd assume the husband is good at what he does, but the industry is in decline so jobs are scarce.

Oblomov19 · 14/03/2019 09:52

For a 4 day week? It should need serious consideration. People say what's the point? of earning if you are away and cant enjoy it?

But he'll only be away 4 days. 3 nights. Then home on the Thursday night. He'll have Thursday night. A day off Friday whilst the kids are at school. And all weekend. that's 3 days on, 4 off. For that money, that is good.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/03/2019 09:52

I turned down a 70k job I was offered, when I was on 38k. Sounds bonkers, but I would have needed to be away from home Monday-Friday, the extra tax I would have to pay, factor in cost of staying away, food etc, then factor in transport to and from, and also fuel whilst I was there. It didn’t leave me much more than £100 a month of that, better off, and not seeing my kids as well. So sometimes all isn’t what it seems.

So £6,500 won’t be that once you deduct tax and insurance (at a higher rate), take away travel, accommodation, food. You could probably both earn the same combined working full time and still have a ‘family life’.

Troels · 14/03/2019 09:52

He should take the higher paying job, even as a temporary measure to get your finances sorted because he's been off for 18 months.

If the job is permanent I would look at relocating, turning down that kind of money for a minimum wage job is insane. You could save a lot of the 6500 each month and live very comfortably.

I completly agree with this.
It won't be long before no one will even look at his CV he'll have no recent relevant experience. Tell him to pull his finger out.

notangelinajolie · 14/03/2019 09:52

It would depend on the length of the contract. Short term 6-18 months yes. 5 years definitely not. No amount of money trumps family - especially if you have kids. If your DH is away for big chunks of time both he and the kids will miss out on so much. And if you are a couple - it will be a lonely life for both of you.

dreamingofsun · 14/03/2019 09:53

my husband has contracted all our married life, normally working away from home. no way would we relocate as normally with a contract the customer can cancel it at any time.

would it really take a day's travel each way? can he fly?

Personally i would be inclined to go for the contract. its only going to be for a certain period of time and it will allow you to save some money. i think you should carry on with the higher paid job yourself though as there is no security at all in contract work

Stinkytoe · 14/03/2019 09:54

I wouldn’t spend the whole week away from my family for any money and consequently wouldn’t expect my DH to either

Damntheman · 14/03/2019 09:54

I wouldn't take it! That kind of job can be exhausting and soul destroying.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/03/2019 09:55

And some people saying ‘internal flights are cheap’- not always when you want them for Friday evening, Sunday evenings, early Monday morning. (Trust me I’ve looked countless times for work and have ended up driving the stupid distance).
Plus it depends on how far away he’s working from an airport? That could mean a lot of travel to get there and back.

chocatoo · 14/03/2019 09:56

Don't relocate if it's a contract! Of course he should take the well paid contract. If it's a shortish contract just do it. If it's a long contract then do it for a year then look for other jobs.

Bookworm4 · 14/03/2019 09:56

Deary me, all the insecure wee wife's here, oh no he can't work away, I'd miss him, what about us?
Jesus wept, 1000s of men work away; Im thinking this is offshore; even suggesting relocating is ridiculous. It's a compressed week so easily be at home 2 days a week; plenty guys do 3 wks on 3 off. After 18 mths unemployed he most definitely should be taking it, if roles were reversed he'd be telling you to do it.

Originofstars · 14/03/2019 09:57

I fear he’ll take it and there’ll be another thread in a few months time complaining that the husband doesn’t do his share at weekends and quality family time is lacking. As others have pointed out, when you net off the day rate, it’s not that attractive a salary

IceRebel · 14/03/2019 09:57

He still get calls every couple of weeks offering him jobs which pay between 10 &15k a month.

That's very different from the OP though. Your father hasn't really been out of work despite being retired, his skills are still relevant and up to date. The OP's husband has been out of work for 18 months, and in all that time has been offered just 6 weeks as a contractor.

ShatnersWig · 14/03/2019 09:57

Then home on the Thursday night. He'll have Thursday night

How do you know that? OP has not clarified one iota on where the job is, how near to an airport etc. He may well have to spend part of Friday travelling and then part of Sunday travelling. Which is a very different proposition.

Stopyourhavering64 · 14/03/2019 09:59

My dh worked 350 miles away from home for 10 yrs....couldn't relocate as couldn't sell house ( 2006- just at start of recession) and eldest dd has SEN with good provision at local school and I had a very good network of support
It certainly wasn't easy as I was also working 4 days/ week and had 3 dcs to look after ....dh would drive home in Friday evening and then leave Sunday afternoon ( no nearby airports with suitable flights)
However it's been worth it in long run as he was eventually able to change firms and can now work from home!

Sindragosan · 14/03/2019 10:00

If you're paying for food, travel, accommodation etc. It's not as generous and then tax at that level would be high. You need to work out what you'd have net per month, counting in travel time and see if it's really worth it. The lower paid job may not be that much worse in reality.

To be honest, with small dc I'd hate dh working away 4 days a week. If everyone is a teenager, more doable but not much fun for everyone.

Seaweed42 · 14/03/2019 10:01

You'd be virtually a single mum for 5.5 days a week.
If you've lots of family support around maybe. He also has to think of his CV going forward. Could he do the better job for 6 months then find something else closer to home?
So take the long term view.
Having said that, if your kids are very young and he's a hands on Dad around the house a lot, then there can be issues with the removal/separation from of a parent for that long.
That's why if he was taking it to think about only doing it for a certain time.

adaline · 14/03/2019 10:04

Would you go and work 400 miles away from your children, OP?

And I don't think it's really that much money as presumably you'll have to pay for accommodation while he's away, food, transport and put money aside for tax, national insurance, sick days and a pension. It's not as much as it looks once you deduct all of that.

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