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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 14/03/2019 21:19

Well clearly he’s not been able to afford it without her input

Clearly? Based on what, exactly? He’s self employed. Easiest way to earn thousands and pay no maintenance whatsoever.

going through the official channels you wouldn't get near that so I think you should be a bit more grateful

Grateful. Women should be gateful a so-called equal parent makes £40 a week contribution towards his child’s upbringing. Fucking misogynistic clap trap.

Grateful my arse.

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 21:28

Absolutely fucking shocking OP!!!! He should be the grateful.

You subsidised his new home, with his new lady, and her DC?

I really do think it's shocking, and SE is the same as tax avoidance, and should be fined. It's hiding money.

Are you sure of his finances? Such that he would definitely be assessed lower?

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:29

No it was before they had a child.

OP posts:
ABC1234DEF · 14/03/2019 21:30

My DH is employed he has to pay approx £600 a month to his ex because he is employed

So your husband alone is on a pretty hefty wage - £40k upwards on this figure(?) depending how many children he has. Do you work?

Can you really not afford the £40 or are you angry about the principle of it?

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:33

Yes we both work full time.

We also have hefty outgoings.

OP posts:
NWQM · 14/03/2019 21:34

Given the evidenced costs of raising a child why on earth should the OP be grateful for any sum let alone £40 a week. It doesn't cover the costs.

No one forced the non-resident parent to agree to pay for the extra costs of travel. It's just rubbish that he has allowed his son to get settled into a course and then withdraws this support and doesn't even seem to be part of wanting to sort out a solution. This isn't about the OP being able to provide extras for their son - and even if it was so what - but about securing a future for his son.

Shame on him I say.

SkinnyPete · 14/03/2019 21:37

Was thinking the same.

XH pays 16 years without fail. Sounds like he would if he could.
Your household gross income sounds close to six figures.

I think YABU. I'd have asked if everything was OK, and if XH had an ETA when he'd be in a position to continue.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:39

6 figures?! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 21:40

I agree this is pretty crap of your ex. But the extra burden on you seems to be more about principle than affordability. If your husband is paying £600 pcm he’ll be on more than £40k and I’m sure you could find £50 per month if you need to. I’m not saying it’s right, I just think you’re more angered by the situation than unable to find a solution.

It sounds like your ex might have genuinely hit hard times and that’s crap that you have to pick up the pieces but i don’t believe this is the end of the world.

Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 21:40

Can we stop letting the nrp off the hook for his financial responsibilities to his DC and laying it on OP.

If a DM earns 150k a year, does that mean NRP is absolved of all and any duties to his offspring, that's just a sick joke!

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:42

40k is a lot if you live in Blackpool not if you live a lot further south.

And pay £8000 in maintenance for starters...

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 14/03/2019 21:43

I think a lot of nrp block further payments beyond 16. That's how it works for a lot of them.

Nrp is always still responsible.

I think I would either move to facilitate college or move dc college.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 21:43

@ThePlaceToVent
Someone above referred to £40k his income will be nearer 6 figures if that’s a CMS calculation and that was my point.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:46

6 figures is over 100k.

CM is calculated before tax too.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:47

I also have two other children to support whose father is also self employed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:47

We are just racking it in.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 21:49

Yes I know, a pp said he’d be on atleast £40k he must be on a lot more if the £600 is a CMS calculated figure. Over £100k.

Anyway, we’re digressing. My point was OP’s finances don’t sound as dire as her exes and whilst that does not absolve her ex of responsibility and is not ideal by any means, I think she could probably stomach the £50pcm.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 21:54

I can assure you he is not on over 100k.

OP posts:
SkinnyPete · 14/03/2019 21:57

@foxmuffin 600/month CMS is around 70k/yr payer income. Add OPs LA job, which are not typically minimum wage, albeit not big earners, there's probably quite a healthy household income. Based on him paying without fail for 16 years, and the OPs apparent financial strength (bar large outgoings), I think she should cut him some slack if he's genuinely on a hard time.

Foxmuffin · 14/03/2019 22:01

Ok. A substantial income then. He’s not flipping burgers.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 22:07

Hilarious how people how people here think they know what DH earns, what I earn, what that money is committed to and also are justifying a bloke not paying for his kid.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 22:07

*here

OP posts:
TacoLover · 14/03/2019 22:07

If he's been paying it for 16 years then I doubt he's just stopped paying for no reason. If he has no money then what do you expect him to do? Make it out of thin air?

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 22:10

I expect him to get a job or get some agency work.

I doubt he is phoning the bank manager to tell him he is a cunt when he asks why he hasn’t paid his mortgage because I expect he has paid it as have I mine and that mortgage provides a roof over his sons head too.

OP posts:
DeadZed · 14/03/2019 22:10

I am absolutely gobsmacked that the OP is getting such a roasting here.

The child's father decides to stop paying to support his son and the majority of posters are saying it's ok.

Unfuckingbelievable. It is NOT ok. Not in any way, shape or form.

And the dirty bastard has not even got the bollocks to explain it directly to his son.
What a fucking joke.

Whether the OP could cover it is neither here nor there. I cannot believe in this day and age feckless parents can just stop paying and the get away with it. What a shitty system.