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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 08:35

We aren’t a “low income” family and the college is in a different county.

I work for the LA so am pretty familiar with the processes.

OP posts:
MsOtisRegrets · 14/03/2019 08:39

I think you need to separate the two things - firstly concentrate on how your son is going to get to college. Speak to his tutor or the student support team - most colleges have a hardship fund. Is it a two year course? If so make a plan for next year that doesn't involve the travel cost - possibly the nearer college. Also, the long term future - if he is unable to work - what next at 18? Then deal with the anger you feel towards your ex.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho · 14/03/2019 08:41

OP I echo what PPs have said, CMS are shit. I’ve had nothing. Ever.

But that doesn’t mean your ex gets to stop paying and that you should be grateful you’ve had anything Hmm Attitude of some folk on here, ffs.

Approach the college finance department.

Your ex is the cunt, not you.

cantbearsed1 · 14/03/2019 08:42

Can he use his earnings for the train fare?

BeersTonight2000 · 14/03/2019 08:45

CMS seem to struggle with NRP's who are self employed. Cash in hand earnings are hard to establish. Accountants can be clever at minimizing profits and what self employed pay themselves.

Good luck

ABC1234DEF · 14/03/2019 08:45

We aren’t a “low income” family

So is it that you can't afford it (even by cutting back elsewhere), or is it the principle of it?

mumwon · 14/03/2019 08:56

I love the way people are suggesting trying for PIP as though its a simple matter which anybody with a disability or need would certainly get - don't they read papers????

MsOtisRegrets · 14/03/2019 08:59

'We aren't a low income family'- then at this moment in time you need to prioritise getting your son to college.

Wheresthebeach · 14/03/2019 09:00

OP- there's not much you can do re: your ex. The self employed loophole is often used and CMS lack teeth.

Several people have suggested contacting the college, or charities asking for help. Get researching to solve it, as your ex may or may not step up.

adulthumanwolf · 14/03/2019 09:03

Is there no financial assistance whatsoever that your son can access due to his conditions? That's really poor if not.

Sausagerollers · 14/03/2019 09:07

Can you ask your son to check if his dad has anything he can sell, old phones, DVDs etc so he can contribute.

Alternatively, if the dad isn't working, he would have the time to drive his son to college and back?

If your ex was a decent person, he'd be trying every avenue possible before stopping payments.

"Parents" who don't pay for their kids really are deplorable human beings.

NWQM · 14/03/2019 09:09

I know this might sound simplistic but has your son spoken to his Dad? He is at college know and nearing adulthood. It’s money for his train fare. His Dad is letting him down not you. I’d be getting him to remind his Dad each week of how much he owes him for the train fare:

notapizzaeater · 14/03/2019 09:12

Can your son make his own claim for UC - does he get pip ? Has he an ehcp ?

swingofthings · 14/03/2019 09:33

I love the way people are suggesting trying for PIP as though its a simple matter which anybody with a disability or need would certainly get - don't they read papers?
Mentioning a potential source of income doesn't mean assuming doing so is easy. It is just that, a potential source. Why are people so much on the defensive as soon as PIP is mentioned.

As for him being a c*, considering he has paid without fail for 16 years, why can't he be given the benefit of the doubt that maybe just maybe he really is in a mess financially and that his plan is to increase his income asap so that he can contribute again?

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/03/2019 09:37

OP I think this is just how it is with some NRPs. The expenses re the child are seen as optional whereas for the RP they are viewed as vital. Prepare yourself for for your child's 18th birthday as they won't contribute a penny after that. And we all know that the period between then and full financial independence is very expensive.

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/03/2019 09:42

As the NRP has paid up till now I personally would eat shit and apologise for being snappy - even though you weren't. Ask nicely when he thinks he will be able to get back on track. I doubt he'll pay the college travel at all so as pp have said try the college. It's not fair.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 09:44

Prepare yourself for for your child's 18th birthday as they won't contribute a penny after that. And we all know that the period between then and full financial independence is very expensive

He is my youngest child - I am aware.

OP posts:
LindaLa · 14/03/2019 09:49

He said “I shall give it to you after I have paid everything else I need to once I have some money“.

Wow! Flashback for me.

Some NRP see child support as just another outgoing.
Bit like putting the naice biscuits back because you can't justify the expense.

Does NRP live closer to the college?
Could your son stay?
Just a thought. Might make NRP be more serious.

NiceNewShiny · 14/03/2019 10:04

What an awful situation OP. I'm not surprised you are mad. Does your son see his Dad? Can he put any pressure on him directly?

Meagain19 · 14/03/2019 10:48

Claim pip, it is based on how his condition effects him, and it obviously is.

Meagain19 · 14/03/2019 10:49

Yes pip is hard to get, I claim it myself. But it is worth applying for and learning how to apply and how to be successful.

Bobcatcornea · 14/03/2019 10:59

Definitely worth applying for PIP. There's not a whole lot else you can do apart from prioritising your spending and applying to the CMS.

If he's paid for the past 16 years then it's quite obvious he's in genuine financial hardship. And if his wife is unwell, it's quite possible he's her carer and he can't actually take on any more work right now. Take it from me, it's bloody hard being somebody else's carer and managing full time work.

mumwon · 14/03/2019 10:59

while op can try the fact that her son goes on the train by himself will be one of the things that they will mark against him - I know how difficult it is to get it & how much work is involved - so here goes - did your son have a statement or was he in special education? how did he get his part time work did he have support is it specially adapted/supported by others? Is the course mainstream or is it special needs or does he have adaption/support to maintain course? does his mh sometimes cause major difficulties in his function at work/education/home? How able is he to look after himself - does he need support to be independent? (etc etc) even though someone may need some help in life it wont get him PIP - you have to show evidence that he needs daily ongoing support & supervision even if its intermittent - you need to provide evidence (names & addresses of support networks ie things like asd social groups, special employment agencies) & even then people get turned down.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 14/03/2019 11:00

if he has no money - which does seem the case - and it must be quite drastic for his wife to have to stop working - and I know the language wasnt nice, but if he's under financial constraints and someone is asking for moeny that he doesn't have, then he wll may react like that.

“I shall give it to you after I have paid everything else I need to once I have some money“ he does have his own roof to keep over his dependent wife and child too. Your shared child currently has a roof and food.

You've freely admitted he £40 a week is well over what the CMA/CSA would say he has to pay. You also say this is the first aberration in 16 years. Do you actually think there might be something quite tragic/significant going on in his life at present and you might have been the straw that broke the camels back? Plenty of posts on here at times from people who have to choose between food/travel/bills.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 14/03/2019 11:00

'We aren't a low income family'- then at this moment in time you need to prioritise getting your son to college

That’s hilarious.

OP posts: