When the NRP stops paying...

[ThePlaceToVent]

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

You're on AIBU. You've provided about enough detail for a few gaps to be filled with assumptions. You don't sound hard up. Your XH sounds like he's fallen on hard times.

@ThePlaceToVent

We’re making assumptions based on your posts. Which is all that can ever be expected from a post like this.

On balance, it doesn’t sound like you’re in a dire situation compared with your ex. You’ve established there’s no other solution.

It sounds like your ex might want to pay but genuinely isn’t able to right now. I hope that if your husband fell ill and you fell on hard times you might be shown a little compassion.

No one is justifying anything, they're pointing out that because you're angry you've lost sight of what's important, and that is that your son can get to college. You can afford £50, so thankfully your son can get there.

Of course your ex should face up to his responsibilities, but it does sound like he's going through a genuine tough patch. Luckily you're not so your son won't suffer.

I dont understand why NRP gets to pick and choose when he's responsible and when he gets payment holidays to save money for himself to invest in bigger home
Its hardly been a case of paying sufficient, and making other provision's, and then there's the whole 'cunt' debacle!!

This was the nrp who promoted this choice of college and committed to it.

He can always let you down, and there is nothing you can do, and thats just telling you that hes the cunt small dick here.

But what it sounds like, is your son is going to be forced to quit college halfway through a course because you can't/won't find £40 a week for travel on the principle that his father should pay it.

What's more important? Being pissed off with your ex and making a stand, or your son's future?

Well we are insured so if he fell ill his ex would be ok.

you can afford £50, so thankfully your son can get there

Unless you have intimate knowledge of my finances there is absolutely no way you can know this.

And no we can’t.

And to clarify.

He has paid £160 a month for 16 years.

Since Sep he has paid and extra £50 towards the £110 train fare.

From the very beginning of the thread OP you have come across as pretty snippy towards people who you have asked for help and opinions, in particular the poster who mistakenly said CSA instead of CMA. You're obviously angry but it's not any on here's fault you know.

And no we can’t

Then you need to either re-evaluate your outgoings or your son will have to jack in his future career plans.

For what it's worth, my husband earns £21k before tax and I'm on SMP. We live hand to mouth every month. We have credit cards for emergencies and zero savings. We manage to save £100 a month in a savings account for our son.

Does your son have any savings he could use for his travel expenses?

I just think you’re more angered by the situation than unable to find a solution

Yep. I get you're pissed off with your ex but don't let that get in the way.

Have you asked the college yet? And don't give me the 'I know we're not eligible' line. Ask and find out, don't make assumptions.

I can’t really reevaluate my other kids, my mortgage, my husbands maintenance, our travel costs, eating, gas, electric, council tax etc can I?

What solution are you expecting?

You’ve discounted everything anyone has suggested.

Would you like us all to pop round with a pitchfork?

@Dedzed the nrp has paid for 16 years, missed the last 2 months and said he would pay up as soon as he had some money. Which sounds like he has had a hard time for some reason the last 2 months. Maybe he hasnt had any work, maybe he is waiting for payment owed to him. He hasnt said he is just not paying anymore. He has also said that his son is aware of how much he earns, but OP doesnt think it is appropriate for him to discuss finances with their DS.

I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss it no.

What his father pays sounds like a lot of money to him.

It’s not.

It's not appropriate to discuss parental arrangements /contentious issues, with DC no, highly inappropriate

There's always room to evaluate.

Utility providers (checked uswitch?)
Broadband deals
Cable TV packages
Netflix/Amazon
Food shop
How much on alcohol/month
Holidays
Mobile phone deals
Gyms
Salary sacrifice pension contributions

There's just so much that can be assessed. Fair play to you if all of them are in the best deals/lowest amounts and you have zero discretionary spend left. It's rarely the case though.

There's Mum's I've seen on here do literally amazing things to save money because they've had to.

I can’t really reevaluate my other kids, my mortgage, my husbands maintenance, our travel costs, eating, gas, electric, council tax etc can I?

Of course you can, you do what the rest of us who struggle financially do.

You switch gas/electric/mobile phone/internet providers to get a better deal. Cancel the sky/Netflix etc. subscription and make do with freeview. Switch your council tax from 10 payments to 12 to free up a bit on a monthly basis. Shop at Lidl rather than Sainsbury's. Shop smart, bulk buy, opt for cheaper cuts of meat etc.

It's what a significant proportion of people have to do on a regular basis to stay afloat.

Yeah I did all that when I was single with three kids under 5 - thanks.

Also spent 5 years in debt management keeping the roof over our heads feeding the kids and having baked beans on toast myself.

I have been there.

I don’t want to be put back there again because of his life choices.

And I do shop in fucking Lidl and get the cheapest deals on everything and I always have.

I want my sons dad to take steps to help me support him.

It is not a massive ask.

OP,don't rise to it, the judgements on here to a DM who has stood by her DCs throughout is despicable.

RP don't get to chose, they go without, so that DC dont.

I have been in a position where I have raided my kids piggie banks.

You have to look at this in a more simplistic and practical way OP.

You are down £40 a week.
It's irrelevant wether you have a high or low income. It's purely down to income and outgoings and you clearly say this money will be missed . It needs to be replaced.

Your son is 16. He needs to get a job. All mine have had pt jobs from 15. One has ASD (special school) but still works in a cafe.
If your child does not have the ability to do this then he should claim PIP. It is money to assist someone who's abilities are impaired and therefore have higher living costs. It is a form that you can have the CAB filled in or other welfare rights organisations. It is his money. It is substantially more than your missing amount . It will also cover his travel in the shape of mobility if assessed as a need for transport. This is in the shape of money , a car, driving lessons from age 16 through motorbility. My ASD son has this and now drives himself paid for with his own PIP money and is self sufficient.

Do this and no further need to converse with the dickhead. AND continues beyond 18.

I can give you further details how to do if you PM me.

It's NOT means tested and is his money. Your income has no bearing.

It's a practical solution.

Not recently.