When the NRP stops paying...

[ThePlaceToVent]

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

You've freely admitted he £40 a week is well over what the CMA/CSA would say he has to pay. You also say this is the first aberration in 16 years. Do you actually think there might be something quite tragic/significant going on in his life at present and you might have been the straw that broke the camels back?

He's paid £40 a week for 16 years. Inflation alone over that period makes it a joke but do you honestly think that the OP has only made a contribution of £40 per week towards the upbringing of their joint child over 16 years?

£40 a week is more than the CSA would have made him pay precisely because of his self-employed status. That is very different to him not having any money. The CSA is a toothless tiger in the best of circumstances - being self-employed is the way the majority of NRPs avoid paying for their children at all, or use it as a means of minimizing their contribution.

We all have stuff going on in our lives. Our children still need feeding/clothing etc. etc.

I feel your pain, I really do. It's a bonkers system, my ex has t paid for 6 months and the CMS only seem to leave him voicemails and occasionally start a liability order which takes forever.
I just can never get my head around how they can just stop paying, like you say they can't just simply stop paying other bills when it doesn't suit. Mine expects me to break all the bad news too, it's like a divorce negates them of any responsibility. But no legally there's nothing you can do.
CMS do work earnings out annually though so if he's had a good few months last year you may get something, maybe worth a call?

It isnt true that it stops at 18, if he's still independent and on a course that's not university level, he is legally entitled to cms support until even 20 (maybe 19, check).

Chase the arse off CMS, legally they have to act, bombard them they have set numbersbof days before they can and do take him to court, but wont automatically pass files across to the handlers to do this.

Also, I cannot see why he can't drive him there and collect him, I have rtt and can't see where you say his father can't do this and share fuel costs?

Its easy for nrp to pretend DC doesn't exist, need feeding, educating, clothing, housing, keeping warm, etc., just assumed that rp will pick up all slack (the one he calls cunt)

You know, the cunt that is there for the DC all the time and finances her DC to a tune far and above £40 per week!!

The cunt thats actually been raising the DC for 16 years, and can't just decide not to pay! Not to feed/clothe, etc.

Write to CMS, set out dates, amounts, and write again when you expect a reply that you've not had one, and then again when no money arrives, and again, then copy MP in.

Is there actually a reason he can't take him?

dependent, and entitled to child benefit is the legal requirement. (Not independent as auto correct said!)

My dilemma is that, IF this is a temporary (albeit really anxiety inducing) scenario and I go to the CMA and they order him to pay day a tenner a week I have shot mysekf in the foot haven’t I as that may then set a precedent.

I hate this system so much, how can someone destabilise your finances like this

He can’t take him as college is about 20 miles away and DS dad lives about 25 miles away in the opposite direction.

I think you may be entitled to some assistance with travel

Have you asked the college?

No because I am certain I am not. He goes to an out of county college and we are not classed as “low income”

OK so first of all, it's really shit that he's stopped paying but if his finances are really that dire CMS isn't a great idea. They can even decide on a payment of zero so be careful there.

Also, if he's paid regularly for 16 years then there must be something serious going on for him to suddenly not be able to pay.

OP you haven't answered the question as to whether your son has a statement/EHCP. You've mentioned you're not a low income family, so ignoring the NRP stopping payments issue, you are going to have to find a way to meet the costs.

My ex has paid the sum total of zero maintenance for his 2 children. We are a low income family, DH and I both work and receive universal credit. We have to make concessions if we want our children to have/do things. Even very basic things.

Is there genuinely nothing you can cut back on? Food shop in a cheaper supermarket for example? I'm not for one second saying it's OK for NRP to stop paying, but the fact is he has and you will have to deal with it. It's shit, and it's wrong. As RPs we have to make all the sacrifices and NROs who chose to, get away with doing/paying the bare minimum. It happens and we deal with it.

NRPs

I am not answering the questions because they aren’t relevant and so don’t want to be goaded into revealing loads of personal details about myself.

So you still want £40 even though his circumstances have changed. His wife has clearly been kindly facilitating you getting this for quite some time but now she is ill and can’t work. So maybe there isn’t £40 in the pot to give to you. You need to discuss a new amount.

So you still want £40 even though his circumstances have changed. His wife has clearly been kindly facilitating you getting this for quite some time but now she is ill and can’t work. So maybe there isn’t £40 in the pot to give to you. You need to discuss a new amount

I am not sure which part of this post angers me more.

*the most

So am I “kindly facilitating” my DHpayujg maintenance to his ex - or is he just paying child support?

Well clearly he’s not been able to afford it without her input and now she’s ill she can’t work. I’m not sure what you’re so angry about. He’s not worked hard enough (self employed that you yourself said hasn’t worked out), so she’s kindly stepped in for him. Now she’s not working so can’t do that anymore.

She stopped working FIVE YEARS ago and he was self employed then too.

Which I mentioned upthread.

I have nothing to do with her. She openly flirted with him in front of me when we all worked together and so was unexpectedly PG and the rest is history.

Turns out she did me a favour but there is nothing “kind” about her.

*I was unexpectedly sorry.

And that isn’t a drip feed it just wasn’t relevant to my OP.

Agree with the people saying contact the college’s welfare team. I manage a student services team at a FE college, this is the sort of thing we routinely deal with and we have funds available to help with travel costs in the sort of circumstances you describe.

As your son has ASD and MH issues he should have been put in contact with the additional support team at the college. I would recommend letting the coordinator know of the issues re transport costs.

Please speak the College, there are departments who can help.

I think you might need to revisit this thread when you've had time to calm down a little.

If your ex has no money, he has no money. You can argue until you're blue in the face about whether he is favouring his other child, what he should be paying you etc, but none of that will get your son to college.

You either have to find the money, or your son will have to stop going to college. Assuming the first option is the preferred one you'll either have to approach the college for help, or make lifestyle changes to free up the money.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I’m fine thanks.

What absolutely fucks me off is that self employed NRPs can do this.

My DH is employed he has to pay approx £600 a month to his ex because he is employed. He also has to transport them and that is not taken into consideration the only bit of travel that is taken into consideration is when the children are in the car, not the two hour journey there.

I just think in this day and age something needs to change.

I'm sorry but I really don't think £40 a week for one child is paltry...it's a lot more than most get for more than one child. As you say, going through the official channels you wouldn't get near that so I think you should be a bit more grateful

I'm sorry but I really don't think £40 a week for one child is paltry

I do and I think it’s sad that you don’t.

I think HE should be more “grateful” I am bringing up his child and and heavily subsiding his life by only taking £40 a week - and never went to the CSA when he had a decent job, and took a reduction when he and his wife moved into his mothers summer house rent free to save for a mortgage.