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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 19:29

Not at any point have I excused a 'feckless father'. I happen to know one myself, and he currently owes me thousands of pounds in maintenance. But I know I'm not going to get it, and I'm not going to drive myself bat shit crazy getting wound up about it.

You've got the money now, which is what you wanted.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:35

Him paying me is what is right - I shouldn’t be bloody grateful for it.

OP posts:
wobblingalong · 16/03/2019 19:37

Last month I got £2.68. This month I have had £13.96.
The feckless father in my case keeps lying to cms and to other relevant authorities. And there is Jack all I can do about it.
I'd be bloody grateful for £3,000 a year!

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:38

@wobblingalong

Doesn’t make it right though does it?

OP posts:
wobblingalong · 16/03/2019 19:45

Nope, doesn't make it right, not at all. Just s teeny tiny bit of perspective for you.

Plus the feckless father in my case keeps contesting it, and saying he's paying too much? The utter arsehole is working, but cash in hand so I can't actually prove anything.
It's very frustrating.

Dillydallyingthrough · 16/03/2019 19:52

You clearly angry OP - but shaming his mother into paying (you said she would find it embarrassing means you knew she would pay) means you have just made forced another woman into paying?

Also you keep saying that he should get another job, have you considered he may be unable to due to his caring responsibilities?

And before you say that if you lost your job/got sick you would have to pay for your son - that's not exactly true you would be entitled to benefits that your ex can't access for your son as the NRP.

I agree hes been shitty and should be paying, but it does sound as if he's hit a rough patch and should have communicated this to you so you could have come to an agreement.

I think you wanted this thread to rant and that's fine but it's unfair to be rude to PP who were genuinely trying to find solutions for you as didn't make that clear.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:59

The money came from his bank account.

If his mother has lent him the money that’s nothing to do with me is it? He’s in his 40s ffs.

Where have I said he is a carer for his wife? She home Ed’s their son and unofficially child minds.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 20:00

Also I don’t need perspective - I have another ex who is worse.

Just because some people have it worse doesn’t make the whole system ok does it.

OP posts:
wobblingalong · 16/03/2019 20:15

No but you might see actually that you haven't had it quite as bad as others. Who can do nothing about the system. And who have been totally fucked over by it.

I hope you get it resolved, I really do.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 20:16

I was totally fucked over by my first husband if that makes you feel any better.

So anyone on here needs to STFU because others have always had your situation but worse?

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 20:22

You're so narky OP.

You've got the money, the situation is resolved.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 20:23

You're so narky OP

About this issue?

Yes, I am.

OP posts:
wineandsunshine · 16/03/2019 20:34

In my experience CMS are no help at all, I am owed £17k from 10 years ago.

I would consider speaking to the college ASAP - they may offer financial help.

It's a hard situation if his circumstances have changed and he can't pay.

pineapplebryanbrown · 16/03/2019 20:35

OP can you tell us what you'd like to hear?

You've had sympathy, empathy and practical suggestions. All of which have made you more and more annoyed.

Perhaps you should type out the response you wanted to receive so I can learn from it.

Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 20:43

If anyone hasn't RTFT, OP text NRP's mum and he paid her shortly after.

Crisis averted.

Thigh I'm with you on this, if people would just state what kind of response they want at the beginning of their OP, it would be so much easier.

Omzlas · 16/03/2019 20:46

Jesus OP, wind your neck the fuck in. I haven't seen a single post saying "aw poor ex, he must be feeling terrible about the whole thing!" or similar. You've been offered some bloody sound advice and you've literally shit on everything that anyone has contributed to your thread. You ask for help, people offer advice and you either ignore it or come back with a twat comment.

Your comments about yout finances are valid, you shouldn't and don't need to validate your incoming and outgoings on here but you are the one who brought of your DH's payments to his ex wife - they're irrelevant in this scenario because this is aboit your ex.

If you didn't want advice, why the hell post in AIBU??

Did you speak to the college to see if they can offer anything in the way of grants or help with travel costs?

FWIW - could your son get a part time job, stacking shelves, in a hairdressers making tea etc etc? If this isn't an option, IMO applying for PIP would be a sound option. And before you get all bloody aerated again, I know what I'm taking about. No, it's not as simple as it used to be but what's the worst that could happen....? They say "Sorry, no". They must factor in your son's condition(s) and limitations and how that affects him in everyday life. If he's unable to work PT then he may well be eligible for even the lower tier PIP.

I don't have personal experience of CMS, no, but they sound as much use as a chocolate teapot and pretty much every reply about them has echoed that sentiment. So instead of making yourself more and more angry over a situation that you can't possibly control, find ways to work around it. And yes, I saw the update about the money now being paid but that doesn't guarantee it for next time so maybe heed some of the advice given, have a Brew and calm down

pineapplebryanbrown · 16/03/2019 20:47

Mud rarely seen such a determinedly unfriendly OP! Hmm

Omzlas · 16/03/2019 20:48

OP can you tell us what you'd like to hear?
You've had sympathy, empathy and practical suggestions. All of which have made you more and more annoyed.
Perhaps you should type out the response you wanted to receive so I can learn from it.

This. With fucking bells on. I've never seen so much varied, genuine and sound advice on a thread, for it to be met with such anger and disdain.

Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 20:51

Thigh Omzlas I have to say, her narky replies to me were making me think IWBU Blush

Now, it's Saturday night, let's all just calm the fuck down and have a cuppa. Or a gin. Whatever floats your boat.

stuffedpeppers · 16/03/2019 20:54

Yet another example of the NRP - regardless of his regularity in the past, thinks it is a OK to stop paying for what ever reason and the RP/ex can fund their lifestyle.

May be if he had told OP, then she may have been more uderstanding

Bet he still has his Sky TV - if I was short, you cut down on luxuries, Sky etc is a luxury. Children are not optional unless of course oyu are the NRP and just leave to the RP to fund your continued lifestyle.

Foxmuffin · 16/03/2019 21:24

I know this won’t be welcome and again, doesn’t absolve the NRP. But at 17 I was running my own car, paid for by my PT job. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a 17 year old to cover his own travel costs.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 21:32

He’s 16 and I am really proud of him for coping with a new college and getting a pt job off his own back tbh - considering they are difficult things for him to do.

OP posts:
VBT2 · 16/03/2019 21:58

I don’t think YABU. It’s much easier for nrp to shirk responsibilities/make choices a rp just can’t even consider. £40 a week is not a lot to raise a child and you aren’t wrong for asking for payments he had already agreed to. Yes, circumstances change, but it wasn’t as though he even dignified you with a conversation - I doubt he’s calling his other obligations c*nts when they ask for payment.

And if his mother has paid, then so what? I’d expect him to consider all options before failing to pay for his child, so if he’s in debt to his parents then that’s his problem. Obv your son still needs paying for and he has responsibilities.

I’m just sorry that not every single/resident partner can’t count on reliable payments and I think you should talk to your MP. Its seems like the bar of expectations is set far too low.

Peanutbutterforever · 16/03/2019 22:30

So nrp says he can't pay right now,but will when he can. Then he does.

OP on the other hand has a long running hissy fit.

Smotheroffive · 17/03/2019 02:26

She's hugely out of pocket, advancing him the funds that were his responsibility, he offers no warning, heads up, or explanation tobhis DS that he's going to pull the rug from under his college travel, when asked later calls OP a cunt.

So lets work out why OP should expect money from nrp?!?!

Very glad you got payment for his travels, I hope it continues, you shouldn't have to be asking for it, and I hope you don't again

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