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Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
dreamalittlebiggerdarling · 16/03/2019 00:52

I think a lot of posters are coming at it from the angle of the child involved rather than the war between the parents. Ultimately if neither parent can make the money happen then all the effort needs to go into supporting the son in moving to a closer college. Is it right or fair? Course not. But being angry about it - whilst understandable - isn’t going to solve the problem.

pineapplebryanbrown · 16/03/2019 01:22

I suppose the point here is that we've actually got used to accepting the status quo re cms being useless in so many cases.

Maybe we need to look to the American system of genuinely punitive measures for deadbeats.

SkinnyPete · 16/03/2019 05:54

Everyone’s situation is different. Only mothers are supposed to be grateful for paltry amounts of maintenance and expected to pick up the shortfall.

You say everyone's situation is different, but then descend into some kind of reverse sexism.

I'm an RP male. I pay for near as dammit everything. I get no CMS, and don't want it. I pay near 1500/month spousal, and continually threatened that she wants 2300/month.

I budget and accept I have to make do as much as I can for my DD. I'm a high earner, and it isn't easy, but I see my non high earning friends having to make just as many, if not more concessions. There's always wiggle room.

swingofthings · 16/03/2019 06:04

@Smotheroffive, the reason why posters have questioned OP is because of her attitude that it was OK for her to say that her budget is stretched despite a good income and that she therefore can't and shouldn't have to find ways to look how she could adapt her budget to make up from what she's lost, yet her OH is a c* for not doing what she doesn't want to do herself despite clearly finding himself in a very difficult financial position after having paid without fail for 16 years.

There is a big difference between an nrp who pays peanuts, irregularly if at all, whilst earning a good income but spending it all on his other kids and luxuries and an nrp who has paid without fail for so many years and is finding himself struggling with an ill wife.

OP'anger is totally misspelled and uncaring. At least before crying outrage, she could have tried to find out a bit more about the circumstances which might be dire. It's no surprised that he lost his cool if indeed he is worried about his wife's health condition.

The best thing we can do for our kids is showing some empathy for their other parent who THEY love as much as they love us. As a poster has already said, what if OP was still married to him and she was the one ill and needing caring for?

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 09:00

The best thing we can do for our kids is showing some empathy for their other parent who THEY love as much as they love us. As a poster has already said, what if OP was still married to him and she was the one ill and needing caring for*

That comment was ridiculous though - I was never married to him. He started seeing the step mother while I was pregnant.

It’s all water under the bridge and I do have a degree of concern but where is the concern for me when he has just dropped me in it with no warning?

I was ill for a long period of time (6 months) and had to undergo treatment, I still worked and raised my children (at the time I was alone) he didn’t come rushing in and offer to have his son more than EOW.

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 16/03/2019 09:01

You as RP can't just stop paying, but nrp can, and £160 doesn't go far, towards housing,heating, services, telly, WiFi, data, phones,food, school trips, school extras, travel costs, clothes, never mind paying for any activities for them to get involved in.

He also has to pay for housing, heating and services. Telly wifi data and phones are all optional.

PoesyCherish · 16/03/2019 09:02

What sort of excuse for a man calls his ex wife a cunt?

Probably one who is totally frustrated and worried about his financial worries and after explaining this to his ex she kicks off. Sure it wasn't the nice thing to say but considering he hasn't ducked out of paying in 16 years I'm sure he's not doing it lightly.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 09:04

Probably one who is totally frustrated and worried about his financial worries and after explaining this to his ex she kicks off

I certainly did not “kick off” Hmm

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 16/03/2019 09:05

where is the concern for me when he has just dropped me in it with no warning?

Oh do get over yourself.

PoesyCherish · 16/03/2019 09:06

It sounds like he already explained he can't pay right now. His wife is ill, he's not bringing in much (any?) money yet you still question him as to when he's going to pay. Of course he lost his cool.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 09:30

He didn’t explain to me. A week after he should have paid I had a text saying something along the lines of “clearly having financial issues will pay you when I can” I messaged him a week later saying “to you know when you might be able to pay me as I have had to pay pass” he then launched into a tirade of abuse.

As I have said previously his wife being unwell isn’t a new thing it’s been 5 years, and she home educates their child.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 16/03/2019 09:58

I messaged him a week later saying “to you know when you might be able to pay me as I have had to pay pass” he then launched into a tirade of abuse
May e because after 16 years of paying on time, instead of that text with the subtext saying 'I don't give a shit about your situation, I just want your money to pay for something that I could expecptionally pay this month but don't want to' you could have said something along the line of 'sorry to hear you are going through difficult times. Can we talk on the phone so I can understand the issue and what it will mean for now on in terms of essential payments for our son and come up with a temporary solution'.

You clearly have much animosity for him and only care for the payment he makes but in the end, you are now left with nothing when maybe just maybe of you kept the attitude out of it and tried to do things amicably, you might have had at least something and/or timescales of when he might be able to pay.

I do sympathise with the frustration, I really do, but you can't control some situations and sadly, sometimes they are such that we have to take over to support those we love. At least you had an ex who paid 16 years.

IceBearRocks · 16/03/2019 09:58

Jeez..... Education Health and Care Plan..... My DS with ASD doesn't need one either because he's not academically behind ..... Doesn't matter that his social skills effect his whole school life ....
Anyhoo OP..... You are fucked ....have a vent ...you deserve it !!! Hope your DS manages to get his transport sorted !

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 10:03

@swingofthings

Clearly I haven’t gone into full details here as I don’t really want to out myself but what I did say also was “well I have sorted the bday gift for ds we were going halves on so sort that out when you can”

But clearly you are the expert on my life here Hmm

OP posts:
swingofthings · 16/03/2019 10:16

We can only go by what you've written here and you do come across as agressive and make it all about you. As said, I totally get the frustration. I've never got any maintenance and I've supported my kids totally on my own. I many times wanted to scream and yes, the weight on the shoulder feels very unfair. However, your level of anger and outrage for not getting maintenance for one month out of over 190 seems totally disproportionate, especially when seeming to show no or little interest in trying to understand the reasons.

dreamalittlebiggerdarling · 16/03/2019 10:16

Going by this thread alone (which is all anyone can do - we don't know any of you), this doesn't seem to be water under the bridge I'm afraid. The degree of anger and bitterness is palpable in that the focus is on the wrong things. If the transport issue is the issue with the biggest consequences, why bring up the additional amount you're owed for half the bday gift? Of course both parents should be contributing but it sounds like there is a genuine issue here and some slack would make the whole thing easier. Focussing on whether or not you were given slack yourself years ago is understandable but not helpful. I feel for the child stuck in the middle of all this.

Smotheroffive · 16/03/2019 14:51

To be fair, I think OPs DS has been at the centre of this, that nrp was part of the discussion and agreed to contribute to the travel costs, then calls her a cunt after she's lent Nrp the money that he'd committed to paying, because she's angry about it.

I don't think there's any excuse for treating people like that. You can out the phone down, no-one on here has called him aggressive despite obvious aggression its weird.
Nope, you can't make him pay, only through legal recourse and if he is fraudulently hiding his money not much you can do about that either, apart from report him for it.
It goes on a lot, and women and their DC suffer as a result, a lot. Why should they all become martyrs and not shout out about it? Alright, it won't make him pay, but no-one should be shut down in those circumstances

Smotheroffive · 16/03/2019 14:53

Nrp also well out of order discussing finances and arrangements with DS.

He should, however, have grown a pair of balls and told DS ahead of time that he can't contribute towards DS college travel any more though. Rp doesn't get to pick and choose

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 15:51

It goes on a lot, and women and their DC suffer as a result, a lot. Why should they all become martyrs and not shout out about it? Alright, it won't make him pay, but no-one should be shut down in those circumstances

^^ this - with fucking bells on.

OP posts:
Aridane · 16/03/2019 16:06

You sound very angry, dismissive of suggestions aimed at solutions and really not prepared to take into account the change in circumstances of your DH’s father and the fact he has historically been paying more than he has too. You also seem bitter that your relatively well off DH is paying £500 a month to his DC. I have some sympathy for your ex (though more for your DS)

Aridane · 16/03/2019 16:06

(DS’s father)

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 16:15

My OH is not “relatively well off”.

As for the other stuff you are wrong - yes I am pissed off with him, yes I sympathise with him but at the end of the day my priority is my own life - not his.

We normally have a pretty amicable relationship actually and our DS has always been a priority for us both.

OP posts:
Bugsymalonemumof2 · 16/03/2019 16:23

He only has to pay the cms minimum. Unfortunately you are up the creek without a paddle if they are both unemployed

Aridane · 16/03/2019 16:37

Of course your DH is relatively well off if he’s able to pay £600 pm to his other DC!

Aridane · 16/03/2019 16:38

(compared with not being able to afford £40 pm!!)