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Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
swingofthings · 16/03/2019 16:38

I sympathise with him but at the end of the day my priority is my own life - not his absolutely right, but that will also be his motto, hence him not caring much for your demands for money when he can't give it.

Saying all this, I totally agree that if he thought OP was out of order, he should have hung up phone and not call her names.

Aridane · 16/03/2019 16:38

(Sorry - per week)

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 16:40

Making a statement like that is ludicrous you have absolutely no idea about our finances.

Just because that’s what the CMA order him to pay means nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 16:43

hence him not caring much for your demands for money when he can't give it

Demands - really? Expecting him to support his son?

And it was a text.

OP posts:
Whereareyouspot · 16/03/2019 17:08

Why is OP getting a hard time?

Of course she is pissed off
NRP can unilaterally stop paying something he has agreed to and that’s it.

Had he rang her and explained and apologised profusely, offered to explain the situation to their son and said he would contribute what he could then maybe she would be a bit more understanding?

As it is she rightly queried why the money hasn’t been paid and he calls her a cunt? And people on here are defending him?

Jeez. Men really are the revered sex aren’t they?

OP it’s crap and I feel your pain. He’s an arse and he should be apologising to his son. It does sound like something has gone amiss but then my DH has a friend who once told us that for some weeks in between jobs he literally ate nothing but rice and tinned beans in order to make sure he paid child support to his ex. He totally got that it was a non negotiation that he supported his kids and cut his cloth accordingly. Not ideal but he’s a decent man and a dad.

Your ex is a prick but I guess you knew that.

Can only suggest you try and ignore him for now before you quite understandably spontaneously combust with rage and see if you can possibly find the money for now.
You can’t suggest to him to he does the agency work sadly as he will def throw that in your face.

Can your son pick up any extra work just for a bit or even cycle some of the way or something to get a cheaper travel pass? Clutching at straws I know but what can you do when you are left to pick up the pieces?

Actually I know....your DH tells his ex that he isn’t paying for a bit and she’s a cunt if she queries it. He needs the cash for your ds so she will have to suck it up right PPs???

Foxmuffin · 16/03/2019 17:14

@Whereareyouspot
Nobody has defended the NRP they’ve just pointed out that despite the injustice OP doesn’t have any viable options to force him to pay and have therefore tried to make sensible suggestions as to how the deficit can be found. Just as you have now done.

PoesyCherish · 16/03/2019 17:27

Not well off yet ordered to pay that much to his ex? Yes okay... Hmm

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 17:30

@PoesyCherish

You don’t know where we live, how many other children we have, whether their father pays maintenance, how much our mortgage is, what our travel expenses are, what other financial responsibilities we have.

No we are not well off, we have no savings and we haven’t had a holiday for several years.

OP posts:
Thesinisterdiagram · 16/03/2019 18:00

But where you live, how many other children you have, your travel expenses and the size of your mortgage aren’t his problem? You seem to not care about his financial situation, which is fair enough, but then you expect him to care about yours? It sounds like he is on quite a low wage, if the money isn’t there, then it isn’t there. You could argue that he should get a better paying job, but then he could also argue that you need to move to a cheaper house, for example.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 18:09

My DH wage is nothing to do with DS dad suppprting his son.

People saying we are “well off” based on what my DH pays his ex are absolutely ridiculous.

If we lived in Yorkshire he would have to pay that if we lived in London he would have to pay that but we would be living two vastly different lifestyles financially.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 18:19

Kind of like me expecting her to go and get a job to pay the child support isn’t it?

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 16/03/2019 18:35

You seem to not care about his financial situation, which is fair enough, but then you expect him to care about yours

He clearly doesn't give a fuck about OP's financial situation as evidenced by the fact that he's been paying a derisory £40 a week for his son's whole life.

OP as you rightly note yourself by the time the CMS get their shit together your son will probably have left college and his teens.

You're fucked basically. What I would do in this situation is shame the fucker. Post that lovely conversation in which you ask nicely for him to honour his freely given commitment and he calls you a cunt on facebook and instagram.

Point out that £40 barely feeds a teenage boy who can eat 4,000 calories a day. And that for 17 years you have paid for everything else: school meals, travel, housing, utilities, clothing, school uniform, shoes, trainers etc etc etc whilst your ex has paid his derisory £40. Then he offered to increase it for his son's college place and now is reneging because....well we don't know do we because the reason was lost in translation and became "you're a cunt"

Encourage those you know to share it on. Hopefully it will make it round a few of his acquaintances who may be surprised to learn of his reduced circumstances. Me, I could even print off a screen shot of the conversation and send it to his parents and congratulate them on bringing up a son who does such a splendid job of meeting his responsibilities.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 16/03/2019 18:48

He said “I shall give it to you after I have paid everything else I need to once I have some money“ right so your son is literally the bottom of his priorities. 40 quid a week is fuck all compared to how much a child actually costs to bring up. I say that as someone who has never received a penny for her son.

Why on earth is it your problem to sort out? It's him who is short on money so he should be coming up with solutions. I can't believe some posters on this thread. I've had a very costly couple of months, car troubles (which I need for work), and my partner has been on basic sick pay. But guess what? We still feed, clothe, transport, house our children! When I was a single parent some of my family said "why haven't you made ex pay for his son yet then you wouldn't struggle so much!" I did everything I could.

Unfortunately automatically blaming women for men's poor actions seems to be the default for most people.

Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 18:56

Child maintenance calculation based on 2 children, who stay over less than once a week and taking into account your DS lives with you and a gross weekly income of £1000 is £139 per week. That's less than what your DH is paying for his 2 children, so it's safe to assume he earns more than 52k gross per annum. If he doesn't, then he is paying too much maintenance. Perhaps ask for a re-calculation, and then you will be able to manage DS train fare.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 18:56

Well - I am on quite good terms with his mum and I messaged her after the incident (didn’t tell her he called me a cunt) but just asked if he is ok as it was out of character for him to be so rude.

She is from a different culture where this would be quite shameful.

The money has been paid this evening.

I think it might be her helping (she is quite wealthy).

Not sure how I feel about that really but historically she has dug him out of quite a few holes.

It’s not a permanent solution though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:01

@Myusernameismud

You seem a bit over invested in my husbands wage - and we actually have them most of the school holidays so you might want to recalculate.

I repeat we are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:04

And he’s not on 52k - but I also repeat WTAF has what he earns got to do with my child who is not his child and who has a living NRP.

If he couldn’t pay his ex should I step in and pay?

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 19:05

So then you have to pay even less maintenance! The more frequently the children stay with you, the lower your maintenance calculation is.

And I gave that calculation as an example because when my ex was employed many moons ago and I went to CMS, that was the calculation they sent me. Pointless, because he very quickly went self employed to get out of paying, but that's how it's worked out.

Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 19:06

No but how can you not see that if he is paying too much maintenance then that is affecting your family finances and you should look at that. Is that not logical?

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:07

You have no idea what he earns you are just guessing!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:07

He gets assessed every year - we are pretty on the ball with these things.

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 16/03/2019 19:15

Jesus christ this is actually painful.

You asked for advice, which was given but you didn't want to listen to it.

You've said you're not 'low income' but not well off and he pays what CMS tell him to. If he is paying 600 a month for 2 children then he is earning upwards of 52k. If he earns less than that then he's paying too much maintenance. I only mentioned this because you have said you will struggle to find an extra 55 a month, and in all honesty if you are both working full time and his salary is minimum 52k then 55 a month shouldn't be a struggle. Our joint household income is under 40k, and if we had to find 55 a month in order for our ASD DS to go to a suitable college, then we would manage somehow. We would make sacrifices somewhere in order to facilitate our child's education. Because that's what we do as parents. They're adults soon enough and those days will be over.

You obviously didn't want advice, you wanted sympathy which you got from several posters. Just not me.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:20

Yes you are clearly a much better parent than me because (even though you have no fucking clue about our financial circumstances) you would be an utter doormat and get a second job for your ASD son rather than stand your ground and make his father pay his share.

He gives me £3000 a year towards our sons keep.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 16/03/2019 19:21

Oh god... this is painful.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 16/03/2019 19:26

Yeah what is fucking painful and utterly tragic is the excusing going on in this thread for feckless fathers.

OP posts:
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