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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When the NRP stops paying...

350 replies

ThePlaceToVent · 13/03/2019 23:39

Wtf do I do?

He’s paid £40 a week for 16 years.

He’s (rather unsuccessfully) self employed and his wife gave up her job (I think) due to ill health.

Our son who has ASD and MH issues close to go to college a way away and the train costs £110 a month which we (DH and I) can not afford to pay and DS dad agreed to pay half.

The last two months he hasn’t paid (first time in 16 yrs he has let me down) and when I sent a very polite message tonight asking when he would be able to pay I got a load of abuse calling me a cunt etc and that he knows if I go through the CMA I will get nothing.

WTF do I do - and I have a full time job so cannot take in ironing.

What do

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 15:54

I think to make him pay your options are:
° Ask him, in writing, to honour the commitment he made to his ds
° open a case with CMS, and continually write to chase all issues
° small claims, but, its not the legal route for child maintenance.
° for specialist legal advice (free) in your specific circumstances, call Rights of Women,who can give you legal direction.

I can't think of anything else, unless you think he is fiddling his books,then you can report him for fraud.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 15:55

I know there is nothing I can do Hmm

I was just having s massive vent.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 15:55

You could call your local courts for advice around court orders, they might have a route you could follow.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 15:58

If neither the OP, nor her ex has any disposable income, why would anyone suggest going to court? It's really unrealistic to think that's a solution.

Smother when you mentioned MRAs, were you referring to me?!

PoesyCherish · 15/03/2019 16:01

@ThePlaceToVent your very first post was asking Wtf do I do?

Since we've established there is naff all you can do to make him pay and you won't take on board any suggestions on what you can do, what exactly do you want from this thread?

Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 16:09

I certainly wasn't referring to you!

I don't think there is any harm at all in an OP asking, and exhausting any and all avenues to consider.

If it ends up there's nothing OP can actually do, then there's nothing to be done

PoesyCherish · 15/03/2019 16:10

Were you referring to me @Smotheroffive

anniehm · 15/03/2019 16:21

In principle it is wrong for the payment not to be made but if he's not earning enough going to the csa won't get you any money. I'm guessing your dp is on over £60k otherwise you could use the child benefit for travel. If he has support needs then it's worth looking at pip - dd gets it for autism but you need lots of evidence of how it affects their lives and requires additional support.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 19:40

Thanks to whoever accused me of begging or doing a reverse.

This speaks volumes to me about the attitudes towards NRPs and how the self employed ones especially get away with not paying for their children.

I will be writing to my MP.

OP posts:
Divgirl2 · 15/03/2019 19:48

I'm pretty sure your MP won't be able to make them pay, and I've heard they're pretty busy at the minute.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 19:51

That’s a really really dim remark.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 15/03/2019 19:55

@ThePlaceToVent
I don’t believe the remark was reflective of an entire class of parents, but towards you and your own conduct on this thread.

Whippit · 15/03/2019 19:57

OP you’re right. As far as the CMS goes and self employed “fathers”, there is not much that can be done.

It’s a stain on society that we accept it

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 19:58

@Foxmuffin

“My conduct” Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 19:59

Yeah but we shouldn’t accept it.

I can’t just decide not to be responsible for my child this month, and the father of my other children did the same.

Can at least ask why this is being allowed and what is being done about it.

OP posts:
Jimdandy · 15/03/2019 20:05

I don’t think £40 a week is a paltry amount though. Especially not 16 years ago.

Say you contributed the same, so that’s £80, plus cb another £20 plus whatever tax credits.
My stepdaughter is 14 and lives with us and I can feed and clothes her easily for £100 a week.

I agree with others, somethongmust have happened to make him suddenly stop paying if he has done for 16 years.

Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 20:05

Nothing will be done about it, but go ahead and write to your MP. Because that's a far more normal thing to do than trying to find the money elsewhere OP Hmm

You sound like you have a lot of hatred towards your ex. Take it from someone who's been there, it is not worth it. The energy it takes to hate someone so much can be redirected elsewhere. And you will be happier for it.

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 20:17

At the moment yeah I am pissed off with him.

He’s stopped paying for his son.

Normally no - it’s been 17 years.

But thanks again for the incredibly patronising post.

OP posts:
Myusernameismud · 15/03/2019 20:44

I'm not trying to be patronising, stop being so defensive. I'm just saying I have been where you are, and it's shit. My ex takes home around £400 cash a day, more on the weekends. He is genuinely raking it in and declaring next to nothing. And I spent a lot of time being angry about it, when I was a single parent to 2 small children working every fucking hour I could to keep us afloat, and he was buying himself new trainers every week and going on holidays and buying concert tickets. CMS washed their hands of it and said to contact HMRC, who also washed their hands of it.

I cried and raged and cried some more, and made myself so unhappy, all for what? It was out of my control. It still is. But I don't let it affect me now. He's a prick, always will be, and I know that he's the one missing out. He is alone, he doesn't have a girlfriend or any real friends, apart fro. The ones he gets high with. He lives in a dirty, disgusting little bedsit in a scuzzy part of London, and is slowly smoking and drinking himself to death. He can have all the trainers in the world, but he doesn't have what DH and I have, a happy, stable life with our 2 beautiful DCs. We don't go on many holidays, and when we do they're UK caravan hols. DH drives an old banger, and we both work hard to make ends meet. But we are happy, and my ex is not. And when he's an old man, on his death bed with not a soul there to comfort him or mourn his death when he's gone, maybe he'll realise the mistake he made. Probably not though, because like I said, he's a prick.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/03/2019 20:49

But as you have said he has paid for 17 years and missed only these last 2 months. That indicates he has a cash flow problem. Now I get he should pay for his son but if he is genuinely struggling at the moment maybe this is what he has cut back on because he thinks you and your DH can cover it short term. Why on earth would you want to write to your MP?

Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 20:54

The thing to do is to write to your mp about CMS, and the vast numbers of 'fathers' that go SE to avoid CMS, they need to hear it.

Who cares if they're 'busy right now', how irrelevant.

You as RP can't just stop paying, but nrp can, and £160 doesn't go far, towards housing,heating, services, telly, WiFi, data, phones,food, school trips, school extras, travel costs, clothes, never mind paying for any activities for them to get involved in.

Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 20:55

What sort of excuse for a man calls his ex wife a cunt? Just as he's pulling financial support. Hmm

Original poster
ThePlaceToVent · 15/03/2019 22:02

The thing is here that he has paid is regularly and maybe I should’ve fashioned him some kind of medal or gold star for that.

Who - hand on heart can go without £250 they were relying on with no warning.

As a PP said he could’ve discussed it with me.

We aren’t on the breadline but we are in a budget due to various financial commitments that I am not prepared to go into on here and do not need to justify to anyone.

OP posts:
CanILeavenowplease · 15/03/2019 22:33

Say you contributed the same, so that’s £80, plus cb another £20 plus whatever tax credit. My stepdaughter is 14 and lives with us and I can feed and clothes her easily for £100 a week

Good for you. Doesn’t make that the case for everyone, does it? And children need far more than clothes and food in my experience. At one point I had three children in breakfast and after school clubs. The fees for that alone were in excess of £700 a month. £40 wouldn’t have touched the sides, would it? And yet, the CSA/CMS/HMRC say my ex doesn’t have to pay a penny whilst I am ostracised and judged as the single mum - poor kids, first in, last out, why doesn’t she work less?

Everyone’s situation is different. Only mothers are supposed to be grateful for paltry amounts of maintenance and expected to pick up the shortfall.

Smotheroffive · 15/03/2019 23:42

It is disgusting OP. I for one am sick of the male apolgists that instead of gunning for nrp, attack the DM, that you must justify yourself over and fucking over again.

You have had to say any of what you've said, but you've been pressured by those who came here to support you or so they believed,but instead they kept repeating, well what about you, well you're rich, suck it up. It's sickening and certainly a word to the wise about what to open up about on MN and what to expect help with from other women,mothers..

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