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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

303 replies

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:39

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2019 14:15

IF the child asked where their present from their Grandparents were anybody with an ounce of common sense would say “ oh next time you see granny and grandad I’m sure you’ll get your present “ if anything it gives them something to look forward to.

I think there’s probably a reason why the in-laws don’t bring presents on the actual childs birthday and I’m guessing it’s a lot to do with the OP and her shitty attitude.

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:16

And kids do keep count. And they're very competitive in those first few years of school!

I really hope this is not a serious reason to buy children MORE presents? No wonder the planet is fucked! Dear me.

It is important to me that my dcs have a special day on their birthdays, but that doesn’t necessarily include mountains of presents in our house, thank goodness. And you really can’t dictate how the extended family behaves over this. It really is a bit precious to try. For all we know, (since the op went off on one and didn’t answer the question), the gps did send a card and call etc on the day. Again though, I don’t remember most of my aunts and uncles calling me on my birthday as a child... GPs normally would have done, but not aunts and uncles iirc.

My brother is divorced and his ex is frankly horrible. So, his dcs have two birthdays; one with my brother, one with the ex. Different families sometimes have to do different things. It’s very silly for the op to get so wound up because her in-laws aren’t doing things how she would like.

It is also a little bonkers to me, to suggest children will somehow be damaged by not having enough toys to show off to their pals at school. I really hope that isn’t the sort of children I am raising.

BadLad · 13/03/2019 14:16

And kids do keep count. And they're very competitive in those first few years of school!

Is your surname Dursley?

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:17

Confusedbeetle · 13/03/2019 14:21

I have yet to meet the child who isnt pleased to get e present, birthday or not. In fact better spread over some time than an opening frenzy,
I think you are being very unreasonable and you must be short of things to get angry about. presents are not a right they are a gift! Why should the family not want to see the opening? As grandmother I really dont like to hear these kinds of posts. Anger should be saved for things that matter

Mabumssare · 13/03/2019 14:22

I'm surprised by the people who say they don't give nieces and nephews presents and that they are not entitled to gifts feom grandparents .

To me aunt's and uncle's and grandparents are close family. No one is entitled to gifts from them but if you have a good relationship I would think its very normal to get presents from your close family. My kids notice if they don't have a present from my in laws because they know they normally get a present from them they also notice that they have a gift feom my parents on the day and are smart enough to wonder why they get from one set of grandparents but not the other and comment about it.

That doesnt mean they are rude or cheeky to the person they will still say thank you etc but saying kids don't notice these things is not true. We of course explain that will get a gift later etc and they will question why (because kids are inquisitive) and we will say becuase granny would like to give it to you herself.

A close family member not going to the effort on your birthday to me is sad.

I am also surprised at people saying kids are greedy wanting a gift from grandparents on their birthday I would say as a kid birthdays are about presents and cake and parties why is that bad ? Wanting random gifts all the time yes but wanting a gift on your birthday as a small child come on people get a grip.

AliceAforethought · 13/03/2019 14:29

As grandmother I really dont like to hear these kinds of posts

Looks like most of us don't, beetle!

And as for the idea that children are competitive, therefore GPs and aunts/uncles should step up, buy presents and make sure they're there on time so a child has a reasonable horse in the race... words frankly fail me.

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:30

Oh I give all my nieces and nephews birthday presents. But if their mums behaved like the op, I’d think SHE, not the dcs, was being U. It is beyond bratty of an adult to get like this over presents.

And of course for young dcs, it’s all about presents and cake etc, but that doesn’t trump everything else, like adults behaving reasonably towards their extended family, not having a strop and calling them selfish etc.

NameChanger9000 · 13/03/2019 14:30

I realise it's not actually the same situation but something my MIL repeatedly says is "you can celebrate it any day".

For example one year DH & I made plans to go out on Valentines Day however unbeknownst to us another family member had arranged to come to visit, as usual we hadn't been told & was just expected to cancel our plans.

I highlighted to MIL we already had plans & was annoyed we weren't told about the visit but then was expected to cancel our arrangements. She said "you can celebrate Valentine's Day anytime".

Er yeah we could but that's not the effin point!!

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:30

I’d still give my DNs presents though, even if their mum was being unpleasant.

NiceNewShiny · 13/03/2019 14:31

😂oh dear what a thread.

OP, sorry but it's another YABU from me. Your in-laws just do birthdays differently that you. Neither approach is right or wrong. I think it's nice for everyone to be together when gifts are exchanged.
Also, even if you do find it annoying I don't understand why you are quite so angry about it.

BTW what does your partner/husband think? (I'm betting he agrees with you😅)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2019 14:31

A close family member not going to the effort on your birthday to me is sad

As opposed to a grandparent wanting to see their grandchild open the present? And the OP has left out a lot of information to why the PILs aren’t there on the actual day.

All the OP appears to be bothered about is whether her dc gets a present on the actual birthday, she doesn’t seem interested in them seeing their grandparents. As long as they get their present!

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 14:34

“And kids do keep count. And they're very competitive in those first few years of school! ”

I’d have been incandescent if mine had!

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:34

And I bet the dcs care a lot less about getting a present on the day than they would care about seeing their gps. I can guarantee you, if I said to my 4yo that she could pick a present or have a day with her gps, she’d pick seeing her gps every time.

Mabumssare · 13/03/2019 14:40

Why does a grandparent nees to SEE them open the present though ? That's the bit that gets me. Can't you just be happy if the kids enjoys it ? And what if they don't have the reaction the grandparent wants ie delighted I'm guessing. What if the toy is to young or a doubler or clothes (what small kid can look overjoyed at a jumper) The need to see someone open a present is strange to me and does make it very much about the giver!

Yes of course they should see their grandparents my kids often see close family on or near their birthday but my family still always make sure their present is here before hand.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 14:42

Why shouldn’t grandparents have the pleasure of seeing a child opening a present. Unless they are simply being regarded as cash machines........

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2019 14:44

“Yeah just send the bloody present granny! We don’t give a fuck that you want to see the kids open their gifts.”

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:48

my family still always make sure their present is here before hand.

So what? My in-laws are the same and so am I; we send young children’s presents so that they have them in time for their birthdays. So? The op’s in-laws would like to see them open the gifts. It wouldn’t be important to me, but it is important to them. Some families do things differently.

As I already said, my divorced brother’s dcs have two birthdays; one with each parent. If his ex threw a massive strop and INSISTED this no longer happened because she wanted it all on one day, (which she would not do btw), should we accommodate her? Families do things differently. Throwing your weight about and stamping your feet like the op because you, a grown adult, want things a certain way is a bit controlling and weird.

Mabumssare · 13/03/2019 14:49

I don't see grandparents as a cash machine. My kids love spending tine eith grandparents and they will see lots of joy when playing with them. Why the need to put huge pressure on kids to have the right reaction and also not have the pleasure of a pile of presents when they wake up.

I also hate when gifts are given in company of others and the kids are expected to open in front of everyone. Again pressure for right reaction and possibly making others feel bad they haven't given a gift or spent as much.

AliceAforethought · 13/03/2019 14:52

Back in the olden days we used to say "The pleasure is in the giving",
Seems we've now fallen on more entitled, demanding and ungrateful times.

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 14:53

But they haven’t said they want to give them presents in front of lots of people. I’m with you there btw; it’s not a fucking show.

The gps, presumably, just want to hand them the presents so they could open them and see if they like them. Tbh, seeing as the op comes across as... less than pleasant about them, I can see why they’d like to pass on the gifts in person.

My friend recently asked me to be godmother to her child. She waited to do it in person. Not because it was ‘a show’, just because sometimes it’s nice to do things in person. Not important to everyone, but important to them.

You really need to be a LITTLE bit flexible when you’re part of an extended family.

Mabumssare · 13/03/2019 14:59

Yes in the giving not the seeing.

If a gift is loved grandparents will see my DC play with them later or I will send family photos or videos if the gift was no a hit I will pose a photo or send an embellished message about how much they liked it. I try to be nice and kind to family as we appreciate them but it is harder to do that while watching a child open something. Sometimes they need a nudge to remember not to say what's in their head etc

anxiousbean · 13/03/2019 15:06

When my son was little, he thought all his Christmas presents came from my sister. It was ages before we twigged it was because she had been handing them out from under the Christmas tree.

I think with little children it is nice for them to receive them in person so they associate the present with the person giving them. It is more about building relationships that the present itself.

My in-laws used to annoy me the other way. Always insisting on visiting us just before Christmas to deliver presents (when they lived miles away and I had other visitors coming) and we were planning to visit them anyway on Boxing Day or New Year. I would have much rather they had just hung on to them so they kids knew who they were from and they could enjoy seeing what that lovely look on the children's faces. [ I should say we did see them on Christmas Day some years!]

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 15:09

But maybe the GPs wouldn’t mind their dgc speaking their mind. It’s quitw funny when they do, as long as they say thank you. It’s just a nice moment to share, which is obviously important to the gps.

And the op seems more concerned that her dcs get their presents on the day than that they don’t offend their “selfish” gps by saying they don’t like it.

I really don’t understand why people are tying themselves in knots trying to defend a pretty unpleasant op.

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 15:10

It is more about building relationships that the present itself.

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