PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

[Nothinglefttochoose]

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

"ThreeBagsFullofWool
However OP, you're presumably an adult and should be capable of taking people disagreeing with you without losing your shit and resorting to childish name calling. 🙄"

"Nothinglefttochoose

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines."

Guess not. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Maybe your IL's are just avoiding seeing you for as long as possible if this is how you act.

Just to be clear I don't tell my in laws what they should do so they mostly give their gifts in person. That doesn't stop me disagreeing with it and that is why I am agreeing with OP

I may have missed it but I didn't see where the OP was rude to her in laws just that they asked them why and they told them. She is allowed to be annoyed by it. Again I might have missed it but where does she say she is unpleasnet to her in laws ?

I'm not sure why she got so annoyed at the posts but some people are being very rude and judgey and there are a lot of prefect parent type comments. Maybe she is having a bad day and it was to much.

And it's allowed to annoy her without her making her kids entitled or ungrateful.

To me I still see it as a selfish adult act at the expense of a young child. I understand others disagree and no I don't lose sleep over it or change how i treat any one but it does irritate me and make me more careful to get gifts to people before they day.

I never said she was unpleasant to her in-laws, I said she was unpleasant ABOUT them.

And I don’t think her children are entitled or ungrateful either btw.

If they care at all about the lack of present on the day, it would easily be resolved, in most households, without fuss and a “oh granny is going to give you her present when she comes for lunch next month” or whatever.

I don’t think either way is right btw and, as I say, I do make sure children in my family get presents from me on the day or before, but I find the way the op posts about her in-laws appalling. She is far too angry over something very trivial and it’s thoroughly unpleasant.

I agree, it could be a bad day, or something else going on. But that doesn’t mean I won’t say I find her behaviour on here pretty .

I think a few people missed what I said :/

I'm not saying children are entitled to presents etc. Just that children do count, do notice and do get picked on my their peers if they are perceived to get less (because children can be cruel!)

How that is handled is down to each family. Personally don't think the Dursley approach is great!

I think consistency is what's key. If the children usually get gifts from GPs and then don't, it can be upsetting. But we don't have all the details from OP, so we're all sort of speculating anyway!

@BadLad

Nope! I just remember being picked on a lot by other children because we didn't have much growing up. But my parents handled it well and we did other things. At least of you know you're not getting something it's easier to not be disappointed :)

Wow. Just wow, OP.

I gave my neice (4 years old) who lives 5 mins away from me, her bday present about 7 weeks late. A couple times id forget to put it in my car and a couple times she was asleep when id pop over after work. I think my bro and sil should have gone NC with me, right?

Wrong. They would rather I give her the gift myself than they pass it on. I would too. I think its sweet. She's 4 and she loved that she was STILL celebrating her birthday nearly 2 months later lol.

I think you need to UNCLENCH and APPRECIATE the gesture. It's their money, spent on their grandchildren, they should get a choice of when they give it. Not you. Grabby mare

Your kids are not entitled to presents from GPs just because you and your DH had sprogz.

My mum sometimes doesn't give presents to any of her GC and others times gives cash.

We don't think it's selfish if she doesn't give anything because we don't teach kids that presents mean love. They love her regardless.

If it bothers you that much give the PIL late birthday presents.

Also, my daughter will be getting her bday present late from a few members of the family, they can't make her party but will be coming to stay over at ours a few weeks later. Should I tell them to post it instead because 3 weeks late is selfish of them?

Argh I hate having to open gifts up in front of people it makes me so anxious! When I was younger I would beg my mum if I could open them a day early just so I wouldn't have to be pressured into everyone gathering around me on my birthday to watch. MIL does this to us now and since DD is only still young it means I have to open her gifts as well while being stared at.
I agree it does sound very self centred. I don't give a gift to receive any sort of thank you.

bibi

You hit the nail on the head when you said it isn’t about the presents / not getting them, it’s about how the parents handle it.

Throwing a fit on mumsnet and declaring your children’s gps selfish etc is not the way I would handle this.

You can’t really control that much of what your extended family does with stuff like this. But you can choose how to handle it within your own family unit.

Obviously, if uncle knobhead is buying your preschooler pellet guns or something, you need to put your foot down, but giving presents late / not giving them at all is something you cannot, and probably should not try to, control.

I'm with you Raspberry. I also hate it when people open something I've given them in front of me. What if they don't like it.

OP you're clearly a real PresentZilla. It's fair enough that your life revolves around your kids, but not reasonable to expect everyone else's to. I didn't get many birthday presents as a child, so was just happy with them when I got them.

Yanbu, why can't the gp make an effort to see their grandkids closer to their birthday. It's not all about them wanting see their little faces. If someone says they have a gift it's not entitled to expect it to arrive for their actual birthday!

Is there a reason that you haven't simply explained to your DC what the situation is? It's only a problem if you make it one. A 5 and 7 year old unless they have additional needs are capable of understanding that they will get a gift the next time they see the relatives

Totally precious and materialistic to be so wound up by this.

I may have missed it but I didn't see where the OP was rude to her in laws just that they asked them why and they told them. She is allowed to be annoyed by it. Again I might have missed it but where does she say she is unpleasnet to her in laws ?

The first page of comments didn't go the OP's way, apart from one poster. The OP addressed her with you are fairly sane obviously the implication being that those who thought otherwise weren't as sane. She then continued to address the other comments with What is wrong with you?!!!! At this point, people had just politely pointed out that they disagreed with her. If people disagreeing with her are greeted with accusations of insanity, it's unlikely to win them over.

It's got more heated since but the OP does not seem to respond well to people acting differently from her or having different priorities. From that people have kind of gathered that maybe the ILs have good reason to keep a bit of distance.

7 weeks late to a niece who lives 5 minutes away ? That seems mad to me ! How do you forget your nieces (who I am guessing you see regularly if you live so close ) birthday present for 7 weeks? That seems to me like not making effort for your niece ? No it's not all about the gift it's about the thought.

I also don’t like a whole ‘sit down and watch people open presents’ session. It is a bit weird...

But that’s not the op’s issue as far as I can tell. It’s that she wants her dcs to have it on the day.

“If someone says they have a gift , it’s not entitled to expect it before your birthday”

No, but if they say, “I have a gift for you, but it’s a bit heavy / a funny shape to post. I’ll just give it to you when I see you” or “I have a gift for little Jack, but I’d like to give it to him in person, so I’ll wait till we have lunch next month”, would you genuinely think that was a problem? Seriously?

As I’ve said ad nauseum I’m a send it in time for their birthdays type and my in-laws are too, but I just could not find the energy to get wound up about this at all.

And kids do keep count. And they're very competitive in those first few years of school!

I'm not sure children do keep count. When I was at school on your birthday you got to go up in assembly and show your presents (and talk about ones too big to bring), cards and your party.
I remember no competitiveness over this, no comparing, no saying "you didn't get much" or "you got loads".
Yes that was probably partially a testimony to how well the head handled it, but I don['t remember it coming up in 7 years.

Dm remembers me coming home telling how "Angela was so lucky as she'd got a pencil, and ruler and a rubber from her 3 sisters". Looking back she probably only got those because her sisters chose to walk the distance to school (it was about 40 minute walk along blind country roads without pavements) and spend their bus fare to buy it. She didn't get anything from anyone else in her family-I didn't pick up on that. I must have been year 2/3 because she was at least 2 years younger than me.

OP you are funny!

It's perfectly OK for kids to wait for presents, as long as presents are thoughtful and consistent.

Your ILs have a different method and that just needs to be worked with.

Your aggression is more worrying. You sound about 12...

Your aggression is more worrying. You sound about 12...

Yep^^.

Just because I ask for n opinion doesn’t mean I need to agree with what others say. I came back because so many of you idiots were on here saying “ i bet OP never comes back”. You all need to grow up.

So why ask if you were being unreasonable? Because you wanted to slag off the pil and thought everyone would join in.

You came back because people said they bet you wouldn't? So you were reading it then? Why read it if you dont care what people say and arent planning in responding?

Very odd behaviour.

Sorry OP but another YABU.

Can't believe how hysterical you've gotten. Your poor MIL, SIL... and DS.

Throw him a birthday party and invite your inlaws. Honestly. It's not hard

I hope the OP doesn't flounce without another gigantic adult tantrum that would put a tired toddler to shame.

Really ?? Really?? YABVU !!

I bet op is reading but desperatly trying to stop herself from posting