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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

303 replies

Nothinglefttochoose · 13/03/2019 04:39

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
AliceAforethought · 13/03/2019 10:23

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about?

What do you think birthdays are about, OP? Piles of presents?

Biancadelrioisback · 13/03/2019 10:25

Ah see I'm not a grabby arsehole and would rather if people are generous enough to get DS presents that they also get to give it to him if they want.

TheKitchenWitch · 13/03/2019 10:29

Actually I think the OP is right - there is a certain amount of time after a birthday when the present is still relevant to the celebration and then it just becomes a bit pointless imo. Like getting Christmas presents in February.
If the gps are that bothered about it then they should see their gcs closer to their actual birthdays. Turning up a month and a half late and saying "Happy Birthday" while handing over a gift is just plain weird.

Lumene · 13/03/2019 10:32

YANU. They don’t ‘owe’ the kids presents. It’s nice for them to see them open them if they’ve been kind enough to buy them.

livefornaps · 13/03/2019 10:45

You're demented

user1466518624 · 13/03/2019 10:54

YABVU my ds doesn’t have grandparents on my side and his paternal grandad is not interested in him and gets really upset when he sees his friends relationships with their grandparents. If his grandfather gave him a present face to face whenever he would be over the moon.

One of the biggest pleasures is seeing a child’s delight when opening a gift. If they care enough to get pleasure from this then your dc are very lucky to have such lovely grandparents.

MarthasGinYard · 13/03/2019 11:02

'I just advance searched you thinking maybe you are a troll. You do have a posting history. I was surprised.'

Me too

Although only recent history....a thread about a 'friend' who....no longer wants to know you....🤔

AuntieCJ · 13/03/2019 11:09

Although only recent history....a thread about a 'friend' who....no longer wants to know you

Who'd have thought it? And OP such a charmer.

burritofan · 13/03/2019 11:38

Hard to see why the PILs don't visit you more often, really.

Belenus · 13/03/2019 11:41

You all need to grow up.

It's my birthday soon. Send me a pressie?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 13/03/2019 11:41

I can't imagine why your ILs are legging it over to your house Hmm

Piffle11 · 13/03/2019 12:38

I agree with you, OP. For a child, their birthday is a special day, and I still remember how excited I was on my birthday. Getting a gift weeks later is a bit disappointing. It's the whole 'important day' thing, isn't it? Yes it's still nice to get a gift at any time, but it's no longer their birthday/special day! The one day when it's all about them. And your DC don't sound as though they are showered with gifts from all angles (where one late gift wouldn't be noticed). Yes, your ILs seem more concerned with their own wishes than your DC: it just smacks of 'can't be arsed'. But I think we're in the minority, OP!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/03/2019 12:51

If you’re anything like this in RL I guess your in-laws think you are obnoxious OP.
You can’t have a good relationship with them with an attitude like that.

FuckertyBoo · 13/03/2019 13:22

If I got wound up like this over everyone who had a whiff of “can’t be arsed” about my dcs, I’d have given myself a stroke by now. My mum’s dead, my dad is overseas, one sibling never remembers birthdays EVER. I don’t think my dcs have ever had a gift from them tbh. You need to be a little more resilient and so do children. I can’t remember ever getting presents from most of my aunts and uncles either.

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 13:29

I understand your ILs, but it can be upsetting for DCs too. Can they not come in person closer to the date? Up to a week afterwards for littles seems fair. If not, they should post.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 13:45

“but it can be upsetting for DCs too”

Only if they are encouraged to be upset.

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 13:53

@BertrandRussell

I don't agree. I think very young children get excited about big events (like Christmas and birthdays) and can get disappointed by the let down (caused often by their own obvious excitement). When they're older it's easier to tone this down, but OP said they were 5 and 7 I believe? 5 certainly is still very young. I'm assuming the ILs want to give the gifts in person because of the excitement?

5 weeks is a long time, especially if the GPs have given no indication to the child themselves that a gift is coming. Makes sense to phone/ post a card ahead of the day to wish them happy birthday and let them know they and a gift will be coming soon? If they're coming a few days later, I don't think this is as crucial. Though a happy birthday phone call is always welcome.

HK20 · 13/03/2019 13:55

@Bibijayne unfortunately we don't know whether the GPs made any contact on the day because OP chose to be aggressive towards anyone who disagreed with her rather than actually answering questions so that people could better understand the situation

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 13:55

There's a lot of peer pressure on littles ones too. It can be hard hearing classmates have amazing gift filled events and then you get very little.

Wallywobbles · 13/03/2019 13:55

Gosh we don't even do birthday presents for nieces and nephews at all. So I'm afraid you seem very precious to me.

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 13:56

“Very little” -what 2 presents less? Hmm

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 13:56

@HK20

Very fair point. More info would clarify who is being unreasonable :)

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 13:57

@BertrandRussell

Two presents less makes a big difference when you get fewer than half a dozen in total...

BertrandRussell · 13/03/2019 13:59

And unless the 5 year old keeps a present tally chart they almost undoubtedly wouldn’t notice. And even if they did “Oh yes, granny’ll give you your present when she sees you” sorted. As opposed to “Oh, I know, granny keeps your present at her house and makes you wait because she is incredibly selfish” which I suspect might be the OP’s line.

Bibijayne · 13/03/2019 14:07

@BertrandRussell

I think your last post simultaneously expects both too little and too much from a five-year-old.

Surely if granny is bringing a gift granny should say on the phone/ in a card? Could be awkward if they haven't got one and OP assumes?

And kids do keep count. And they're very competitive in those first few years of school!

You can't really expect gifts, and kids learning that is fine. But I think it undermines it if they get one over a month later without expectation or context.

Surely easier around to either visit before (maybe even for birthday tea as PPs have suggested!) Send a card/ call for the day and then set reasonable expectations.

But as a few have said, it's hard to gauge the context here as we need more info from the @OP to understand what is going on.