PILs and SILs so selfish? AIBU?

[Nothinglefttochoose]

It happens every year and every year it annoys me! My MIL and my SIL NEVER send my children their birthday presents on time!

Sometimes the presents are weeks or months late and they only ever give them in person.

I did ask my MIL and she said the reason she does that is that she wants to see their reaction and get the gratification of giving a present.

Am I the only one who thinks that is so self centred and not really what birthdays are about? You get a present on your birthday because it’s your birthday!!

They are making it all about themselves!

I think it’s so odd and rude.

AIBU?? I don’t think I am.

Why on earth did you post in Aibu when you clearly feel you view is absolutely correct.
I think you're missing the point of Aibu? It's for people who aren't sure. You are certain that you are 100% right. Did you just want people to agree with you. That's more a netmums thing.

Yabu. Presumably they give your dc a card and/or a phone call on their birthday. I think it's nice they want to see them open their presents. It's a common way families do it.

Crazycrazylady

You’re right, this thread is in the wrong place.
There should be a new topic on MN: “I’m Right, Aren’t I?” (“I’m Right Amn’t I?” for Scottish MNers ) - IRAI for short- for those posters who seek only approval and validation rather than opinions or criticism, like the OP here.
AIBU is not for them.

Is his another one of those threads that's going to get deleted on account of the OP being 'worried about giving away too much identifying information'?

Maybe they, quite naturally, would like to see the children on their birthdays and are hoping that you will invite them?

OP, I do have some sympathies with you. Especially since reading that you’ve lost both your parents. I’ve lost mine too, and I realise it’s given me some issues about my own kids birthdays. I can get very hurt when family forget my kids birthday, or don’t make as big a deal out of it as I’d hope for. I do realise this comes from my massive sense of loss from losing my parents and a feeling that my kids are missing out on having loving grandparents. I have no family left on my side, and my ILs have very different ideas to me about how birthdays should be celebrated. As a result, my kids often have very few people who buy them Christmas and birthday presents and it makes me really sad, because I imagine how my parents would be spoiling my kids silly if they were alive. It’s not at all about demanding my kids have expensive presents. I wouldn’t care if the present cost 50p. It just really hurts to think that my children don’t have others in their life who want to make them feel really special on their special day. Just sending any token gift would make me feel so much happier. (My ILs live abroad, they don’t see my kids on their birthday, presents are sometimes forthcoming, usually late). I have to fight (and often fail) to resist the overwhelming urge to spend way more than I can afford to make sure my kids don’t notice they don’t have as many loved ones giving them presents as other kids seem to. And to remind myself that the number of presents they get on their birthday bears no correlation to how loved they are.

I do think that how I feel is not necessarily how my kids feel. They’ve never expressed dissatisfaction or sadness about not getting a present on their birthday. I’m trying to work on not projecting on them, or allowing my hurt to turn into anger directed at the ILs (so difficult to do). It might benefit you to take some time to reflect on why this angers you so much and whether your children are actually affected by this?

I can see why other posters might get rubbed up the wrong way by your posts. You’re posts seem quite angry to me, and I could be way off the mark, but I can certainly imagine why you would be angry.

I just don’t see the big deal. They’ll get the gifts when they get them.

I'm the most selfish bastard ever then, as I nearly always wait to give my nieces and nephews their presents when I next see them.

No one minds. When they were kids they were just excited to get a present!!!! I've never, been offended when my family do it this way for my kids.. And again, my kids are just super happy to get a present.

It’s selfish. Especially in the age of technology - you could film their reaction

Sorry @redrupunzle I agree if it was an adult receiving gift but this is a child, who is likely to feel upset at lack of gift/afford by a family member. As much as it’s great to see a reaction, it is definitely the adult and gift givers responsibility to make effort to get gift there on time

I think it is a tough one.
Offering presents means so many different things for everyone!

I think the receiver of the gift should be grateful for the gift whatever ways it is given. You have your word into the WHAT but not really the HOW.

Why can’t they come to the birthday party? Can you do a party at theirs to make sure that it is close enough?

YABU I used to work nights & bought my nieces birthday present but as she lives an hours drive away I just didn’t have the time to visit her let alone post it, my sister went really nasty with me accusing me of not caring for my niece (she never sends my kids anything for their birthdays) I did fall out with her over it, but it was only sent a week later & it’s the thought that counts but doesn’t in her case!

Mine are the same, even with posting cards. Useless.
What aggravates me more is that if our cards are late to them (usually because of the post) they text and ask!!

YABU & grabby.

My dc never thought about when they received gifts, they were happy to get them.

I'm sorry that you lost your parents and maybe that is clouding your outlook?

Children take their cues from their parents; I don't that they would care if you didn't.

I'm taking my nieces present from 14th feb to her tomorrow. It's the first time we've been free to go over.
Mine have often got presents later, it's lovely and an extra surprise.
It's especially good if their Birthday is close to Christmas as they have something later to look forward to.

I never mail presents. I would rather bring the present because 1. I want to play with them and have the present enjoyed. 2. they then see the person who has given the present and 3. I can spend more money on the present if I don't pay for postage. You say that the first 2 points make me selfish. I call it wanting to enjoy the moment with someone I love and care about.

Kids get so many presents from people and it becomes overwhelming. My niece recently said that she loves my presents and cars that are out of the blue. Yes, I am really bad at cards and presents on time but I do give and I would hope received with the love intended.

why not just enjoy with your kids, love the visit, love the present and see the positive. YABU.

Oh this has really made me laugh. Not so much the original post, but the reactions.

I think the big thing here is why did it take 5 weeks, but that seems to a question the OP is avoiding.

My birthday is October. I often got a combined present, late birthday or early xmas, who knows. I didnt care, somebody thought of me regardless of the date. My eldest son born in February got the same, was he bothered? No because he understood gratitude at a young age.

I live a 2 1/2 hour drive from my parents, they never come to me, so presents exchanged when I make the drive, when I do, it's not about presents, it's about family time.

This has been made into a big issue by one person, the OP. If it bothers you so much, why dont YOU take the children to them. After all they're YOUR children, not theirs and late presents dont bother them.

I also wonder if you make a point of driving to them on their birthdays?

Christmas, well that's 2 way traffic. It seems you dont like those presents late either, but do you expect them to come to you.

Oh and your attitude is very much that of a petulant child, so it's no wonder your children portray this learned behaviour. Try teaching them gratitude.

Kids are only going to be upset by not getting a gift on the actual day if they have a grumpy parent giving them the idea that it's a big deal or they're incredibly grabby.

I think it is between them and the children You can't really make them behave towards your kids a certain way. If kids are very young maybe involve the grandparents on the birthday celebration? At least they buy presents. And I think it's nice that they want to be there when they open it. It's a shared moment.

All my family live up north, we're right down south on the coast. I always got presents late and my DD gets presents late as and when we saw/see them and we don't mind. It's not a massive deal imo

I 100% agree with you OP.

(obviously mentioning geographic location as we only saw them a few times a year due to the journey)

Weird thing to find unacceptable OP! It’s nice of people to buy presents. They’re not obliged to buy them. You seem to be encouraging your DS to come across as ungrateful and I’m not surprised his DGm looked taken aback when he asked what it was for! How rude. My DC would have said thank you.
If someone has gone to the trouble of buying a gift then why shouldn’t they get some pleasure from seeing the child open it? That’s not selfish at all. Your attitude is strange, hence all the other people on here telling you so. You should take that on board instead of getting all sweaty about it. You did ask!!!

You are being a little silly. I'm sure the kids love getting a present on a random day that isn't their birthday. My family has always done presents in person, whenever you see the birthday person, and we always delighted in our birthday popping up again a week or a month or six months later. I'm sure your kids get plenty of presents on their birthday from you, and it's nice to spread things out. Just relax and go with it.