Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

Oh, and good luck with your newborn.

For all of the above, it is still marvellous to be in that sweaty, milky mess.

I hope she replies soon and has taken it on the chin OP- you haven't been unfair at all!

She is either spectacularly dim or spectacularly selfish, either way I wouldn't want her as a friend. If you can't laugh at that and say no straight away, then, I don't want to be unkind, you really should sign up to an assertiveness course.

Nothing to be offended about. I can't believe she even thought it would be a good idea.

Is she like this in other areas of her life?

Yeah, I wouldn't send anything further until she does. Only a drama queen would take offence at that message, in which case you definitely want to avoid indulging her!

Oh god, don't message her again.
Leave it.
forever

Sorry, managed to post there without meaning to!

Meant to say, I have someone in my family who is quick to take offence all the time. She has many, many, other good qualities but her taking everything as a personal affront (when things don't go her way) is very draining. As a family, we daren't speak up because "we musn't upset x" because (a) we genuinely don't want to hurt her because we love her but also (b) like many seemingly sensitive people she can be very domineering/bordering on bullying and has quite a passive agressive away of expressing this. As a result, making holiday arrangements with this person is one of my most dreaded tasks, even though we are hosting/bearing all costs.

What I'm trying to say (rather badly!) OP is given that this person is a friend, not a family member, do you really want this issue in your life?

That's the last thing you need! if she asks again just say no. Hopefully she will eventually realise!

Just say no!

I wouldn't send another message as it gives the impression you feel guilty and you most definitely should not! Just appear relaxed about it like it's no big deal!

Getting the hump, and taking offence, in order to get your own way, is coercive control. In a partner, this is now illegal.

Just because she's a friend, (or relative in pps cases) rather than a partner, it doesn't mean that you should allow it.

Instead of pandering to these people, they should be stood up to, or got rid of. If nobody pandered to them, they'd either have to change their ways, or become very lonely.

Two weeks in close quarters with a newborn, a toddler and two exhausted parents is about the shittest holiday I can imagine. Why on earth does she want to do this? Does she just really, really miss you?

Whatever her reasoning, stick to your guns!

I agree with others, don't send another message and stick to the MN classics if she tries to counter you.

"No.
No that doesn't suit.
No that doesn't work for us.
No.
No.
No."

Ffs op, don’t message again. If she is in the huff because of your reply then so be it.

I had a friend like this, once I became pregnant she became incredibly overbearing, wanting to immerse herself in every aspect of my life. She wanted to stay for extended periods of time, she asked if she'd be made a godparent, she'd arrange days out for me that were essentially for her and I'd be expected to foot the bill, she asked if she could attend the birth instead of my husband. We're no longer in touch.

Yep, I'd say your friend is now in a mood, but quite frankly, fuck it!

I couldn't bare having anyone to stay for two weeks, even if I had no children.

She's a weirdo of the highest order.

Honestly, you need to grow a spine.

As a fellow people pleaser I think that your response was great. Just sit tight now and don't text her until she contacts you.

Can't even believed she asked you!

mclady that sounds absolutely suffocating!

she asked if she could attend the birth instead of my husband.

Wow! That's some level of entitlement. What on earth was she thinking, to think that you'd agree to kicking the father out, the other half of the baby making couple, so that she could be there instead?

I just can't get my head around that.

You did well to get rid.

possibly whipping sautéed cabbage leaves out of your bra

I mean what? Why?

It's meant to be good for mastitis, isn't it?

possibly whipping sautéed cabbage leaves out of your bra

Presumably a mastitis-related thing? I remember one of my sisters telling me about her wafting around the faint smell of cooked cabbage because the heat of her norks (due to mastitis) was gently braising the leaves she'd stuck in her bra (very soothing apparently!).

Definitely don’t text again!