Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

I actually can't believe someone could be so lacking in social awareness. Absolutely bizarre to think it would be helpful to impose on friends with a toddler, newborn and no spare room for 2 nights let alone 2 weeks.

OP just to add please don't give this a second thought. You are hormonal and should be nesting! It will probably be harder for you to let go of this because your pregnancy makes you want your personal space to be so safe!

She has behaved deeply deeply thoughtlessly. BEfore I had babies I was vaguely aware that people didn't really want guests hanging around!

She hasn't 'asked' what would work for you has she?

Sometimes in life we have to accept walking away without the other person being 'okay' with our response.

let it go - one day she might have a baby and look back in astonishiment. When my first was born I apologised to two friends who had babies much younger - for turning up at their houses and getting drunk when they had young babies!

I don't know why she wanted to stay for two whole weeks, her sister lost her husband last year and she went and stayed with her for a fortnight to help with arrangements so perhaps she thinks it's an acceptable length for a visit when she thinks somebody needs support

Or she fancies free board and lodging for a fortnight? It really is rather a long time for staying with anyone.

Can I be nit picky? Sorry if it grates.
She might be offended because you’ve lied to her and if she’s anything like me, she’ll know. You and dp did not discuss it last night and he didn’t say there would be no room. You haven’t suddenly realised there’s no room for her at the 11th hour. This reads exactly like what it is; an excuse, a cop out. It says “I don’t want you to come but I’m going to make out like it’s not my decision so you’re not allowed to be mad at me.”

Whenever someone offers something like this up to me, I feel disrespected. It’s hard to articulate why but I’ll try. A genuine friend with whom I share a connection would think enough of me to be honest and take my disappointment on the chin, rather than try to slither out of acknowledging my feelings by blaming something or someone else. It’s self-serving and doesn’t take me into account at all. Does that make sense?

You have made the mistake of wanting to maintain your nice image over thinking about her feelings. As such, it feels dismissive.

I think you should phone her and talk it out. Just say oozing, leaking, hit by a truck, fanny like a bag of plums...just can’t deal with a guest, I’m so sorry.

If you’d just sent a straightforward honest text in the first place, she’d have taken it better.

Just tell her not to book the ticket yet. You don't know what will happen, c section, complications, DH has paternity leave. If she wants to come down later when things have settled and you have a routine etc then she'll be welcome but not around due date.

@pictish How would the friend know that OP hadn't discussed it with her husband?

Tell her you would love a visit once you establish a routine but at the time baby comes you need to focus on helping your older child adjust. Having someone else to entertain may complicate that at a time where your child will likely be unsettled. Sharing mum with a baby will be hard enough but having another adult to take your time may make much tougher.

How does one intuitively know when someone else is not being entirely honest with them? How do you know? It's in the wording, the timing and in this case the subtle deflection of responsibility.
She might have discussed it with her dp last night but her friend will still know that the decision was made ages ago when she reflects that it was her own idea to come and OP had failed to follow up on it by her own volition, despite appearing agreeable. The excuse is just that. An excuse.

I'm not trying to make OP feel bad so I apologise if I do. I'm highlighting the fact that honesty is almost always the best policy. The truth would have been absolutely fine. She didn't want a houseguest staying directly after the birth of her baby. That's all she had to say.

The difference is, Pictish, that you are a reasonable person whose friends know you are straight down the line with them. The OP has said that her visitor is prone to taking offence so a direct answer would just not work. She sounds too self-absorbed to consider that the OP might have lied a bit to her though.

MRex Mon 11-Mar-19 22:27:50
"Hi Friend, it's so lovely of you to offer, but with a newborn it'll be easier for all of us to be on our own in the initial weeks. We'd love you to visit us in July instead though, can you do any dates in July?"

I like MRex's suggestion!

If she does respond just say 'Look, I'll probably be on the sofa for most of the night as we will have a baby. You know, one of those things that screams when it wakes up and needs feeding'.

Still no response from her despite being active throughout the day on WhatsApp and Facebook. It looks like I'll have to chalk this one up to experience and nip it in the bud straight away next time so a lesson learned on my part, although if this (lack of) response is anything to go by she will have likely got the hump either way.

Hopefully this doesn't leave a sour taste as I'd hate to fall out over something so daft. We've been friends for years.

Hopefully she has a think and realises just how impractical it was, that I wasn't just brushing her off because I didn't want to see her, and she comes back to me in a couple of days or whenever to clear the air

And I didn't send a further text I just left her to it after my initial reply.

Good stuff - particularly your view of it all. Hope it all works out.

Win win.
Nobody staying and annoying hump taker no longer texting. 😀

Please don’t waste anymore headspace on this! You have far too much going on to be thinking about how she is reacting.

This is the time you get to be selfish. No guilt please. She’s being ridiculous.

She's probably just smarting because she's not used to people saying no to her, you sent a nice reply and did nothing to offend her.

She hasn't bothered to visit since your first child was born so isn't really a great friend in the first place.

Don't waste time guessing her intentions or thoughts, you will only upset yourself or annoy. Let her do as she wants and get on with enjoying your pregnancy

I do agree with all of that. It was an outlandish request and you don’t need to feel an ounce of guilt over turning it down.

She asked to stay at your (small) house, just after you’ve had a baby, for 2 weeks!?!?

You said no (very nicely) - if she’s offended that’s entirely her problem, put it out of your mind and don’t text her again. You have more right to be offended than her, she’s so rude not to reply!!

She might realise she's been U, but is a bit miffed so she wants to cool down before sending a reply.

Isn't there a saying that guests, like fish, tend to go off after three days? Your friend's tendency to dump herself on people a fortnight at a time seems to indicate a lack of awareness of that fundamental principle.

No no no no no!!

I’d say it would be nice for her to visit at some point but you know from experience how difficult the first three months are as the baby won’t be sleeping and you’ll be up all night feeding them. You also need to get used to the new dynamic but you’ll let her know in the summer when it will be more settled.

Hmm, no way Jose

She wants to come and stay when you have your baby?! She's not a mum is she. Surely she isn't, no woman who had become a mum would think this was an ok thing to ask. Please just be firm and say no. It's utterly crazy.