Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

I am not from the UK and I had friends and family staying for extended time after having babies. However, our boundaries were clear. We were not there to entertain or feed or be typical hosts. Perhaps, speak to her and see what her expectations are? explain that you won't be sightseeing and would ask for help around the house. Also, 2 weeks is a long time when there isn't room. Ask for a week?

or perhaps, she is not a good enough friend? the people who came to help were life long, I would do anything for them and vice versa friends. that does make a difference. But, if she is coming to help, I would take it but with less number of days.

Absolutely not!! And she calls herself a friend? She's just being selfish - a real friend would understand how you are likely to feel and not even question a 'no'. Be strong and tell her!

Oh my god! My baby is due a few weeks after yours, I really can’t believe someone would suggest this!! The answer has to be no without question, I can tell you’re worried about how to say it. I would go along the lines of saying you can’t wait to see her and for her to meet your new baby but the first month or two is going to be extremely tiring for you and is just not the best time. Explain you’ll be sleep deprived, hormonal and have people visiting and need to settle into a routine so you can enjoy her visit more. If she has a problem with this answer quite frankly it’s her problem! It’s a completely unreasonable request! I’m sure she thinks she’s being helpful but just explain it nicely and you’ll be fine, you don’t need this stress right now. PS - congratulations and good luck!! :) x

No. Do NOT say maybe. Just say
No.

If it means the end of your friendship, then that's where the stars are aligned.

Happy birthing and mothering

Just say that the baby can't be in contact with outsiders until vaccinated or immune system gets stronger. It's really stupid and selfish of her to impose this. I don't mind telling people to bugger off when not welcomed ( if you want, send me her phone/email and I'll tell her 😂😂) Hope all goes well with you and baby x

@Februaryblooms Any reply to your message

Don't message her again, you don't need a guest staying when you've arrived home with a new born baby ffs, is she insane.

You did the right thing nipping this in the bud, the fact she isn't replying shows you she was coming to yours because it suited HER needs not anybody elses, she sounds like a selfish idiot.

Truth is that some people (myself included until I started having babies!) need certain things spelled out to them, that newborns and visitors don’t mix! Others here have suggested some great excused, but I wouldn’t write her off as a CF - let her know that you value her friendship very much, but please don’t come until your family has established some kind of routine

OP I’m sorry I felt so strongly about this one I rushed an answer and have just caught up to see that you have told her now - well done! I have some of DH’s family wanting to see us every weekend since Christmas and I had to put my foot down as I’m nesting and I want to be with my husband and dog and get everything perfect for baby’s arrival. Don’t get me wrong, I want to see family and friends but not all the time! This is a time in your life where you need to be a little bit selfish, don’t forget it’s programmed into us to want our space pre and post a new baby!

Hell no! If you don’t want her there tell her no or stay elsewhere.

I remember my childless best friend coming from NY to “help” when my second was born. I’ll never forget her telling me (slumped on the sofa, leaking from everywhere, exhausted and emotional) that she thought I should get my teeth whitened.

You have done the right thing as a newborn your trying to bond with is challenging enough even with the help of DP/DH without another little toddler who will also need caring and attention! You’ve definitely done the right thing and if she can’t understand that then she was clearly thinking about herself really and not about you or your family that need to adapt to a new little baby that needs welcoming! I had my DD early (also had complications at the very end and had to be sliced and diced stitches etc) had to stay in a couple of days as I was a little poorly had the normal visitors DM etc which I loved but when everyone left was nice to have some quiet time with my and DD, the day I come home the IL were there ready to bring in their relatives ( they hadn’t visited in the hospital and also I had never met the people they brought before) and friends honestly thought my head was going to blow when all I wanted was to be settled in the house with my new family and adapt, but couldn’t even get out of the car and walk through the front door ... Could not think of anything worst than a friend who you would have to accommodate and host for the first two weeks of baby being born! And I think every parent would agree , if she’s offended ah well leave her to winge and enjoy your last few weeks as pregnant and nest away xxx

I understand how hard it can be to assert yourself, especially when someone is meaning to be helpful.

I think you could say that you are concerned about helping your toddler adjust to the new baby and want to keep things very quiet and not have anyone else in the house until your new family dynamic is established. And that you may need the sofa yourself at nights when baby is waking up a lot. But you would love for her to come later when things are settled and you will have more time and energy to enjoy her visit.

Your text sounded fine to me. Hope she replies soon.

When my first GC was born the plan was for DD&DSIL to spend a few days as a new family before anyone came to meet the baby. As it turned out they were stressed out after the first night with a non-latching, screaming newborn and asked if I could come to stay. During the two weeks I was there I did the shopping, cooked all meals, made hot drinks and snacks as needed and same for any visitors, did the washing, cleaning, reassured DD&DSIL they were doing brilliantly and DGC was fine and screeching like that was normal. I paced around with said newborn so DD could rest up, I filled the freezer before I left and cleaned the house. Unless your friend could/would make your life much easier then a visit is ridiculous. It certainly wouldn’t be a holiday. Stick to your guns. This is a massively important time in your lives and one that you need to put yourselves first.

Your response was fine. Don't send another. Just wait, she'll text back at some point.

I can’t believe anyone would be so thoughtless as to impose on someone who has literally just given birth. After her sulk, I hope she realises it was a bloody stupid idea OP.

Absolute NO. You can always say you are now in a more informed position and think due to lack of sleep/ need to bond with baby/etc etc. Whilst a very kind offer you feel the help will be appreciated later once a routine is established and you feel you are able to control the situation (If you ever do with a child !!!)

Just leave her to mull it over, and hopefully she will see that whilst she meant well it was a thoroughly impractical proposition.
Please warn your DP though, in case she contacts him to get him to reconsider.

Definitely don't text her about it again. If you are in the habit of sending light hearted texts to each other on a regular basis, then feel free to send a text in a couple of days about something completely unrelated to her request to intrude on your family for a fortnight. If she ignores further messages about the weather, tv show you're watching or other such mundane topics, then you'll know she has the hump with you. In that case I wouldn't bother further and would leave it up to her to contact you when she grows up.

I have no idea why anyone would think this would be a remotely good idea.

Say No absolutely. You have no idea how the birth may go. It may be a breeze but equally you may feel like shit after it. The LAST thing you need is someone coming to stay! I cant even believe she has suggested it. Even more so that your dp has never even met her. What an imposition. Too bad if she goes in a mood. You and your family come first. Tell her to sling her hook.

Oh just realised you already did.Well done!

If/when she becomes a mum herself she is gonna cringe so hard.

Don't blame DH or anything daft just say it as it absolutely is.

I was up and down with my 2nd born and spent a lot of time on the sofa in the first couple of weeks and it would have been absolute hell not to have had that freedom!

Good luck with the baby OP, and enjoy sleeping on your sofa when needed 😉

No!