Friend wants to come and stay for 2 weeks when baby is born.. WWYS?

[Februaryblooms]

I'm due at the end of April (providing DD stays put until then as I've had a few fights!) and one of my friends wants to travel down for a fortnight when she's born and stay with us, to meet the baby, see our toddler and she says help out.

I don't actually foresee her doing hands on childcare (not that I'd ever expect her to come here to do that) and get the impression she just wants to get away for a break but does actually want to see and coo at the DC in the process. It would basically be me playing host, trying to entertain her and the DC at the same time whilst adjusting to the new baby.

We live in a very small home and don't have a spare bed for her which she knows but has said she's happy to sleep on the sofa. She wants to come for a fortnight as it's a long way to come for just a couple of days and says she won't be able to afford a hotel. She genuinely doesn't think such a visit in these circumstances would be imposing.

When she first ran it by me a few months ago I was quite taken aback and simply said it's nice of her to offer but I couldn't commit so I'll have to get back to her about it. I didn't. I didn't want to be rude and say she'd be in the way and as she doesn't yet have children she's a little naive as to the lack of sleep/hormones/emotional rollercoaster that comes with having a squishy newborn.

It wasn't mentioned again for a few months and I assumed that was the end of it, until tonight when we were chatting via text.

She brought it up out of the blue and said she's going to book her ticket down at the start of April, so obviously I need to clear the air now before she does. I hadn't even confirmed it would be ok, as obviously it's not.

DP knows nothing about all of this as I never intended to host in the first place but he'd feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing, as would I in the early days with a newborn, because we just don't have the room or added stress of a house guest for the foreseeable.

Now obviously I have huge issues around asserting myself, this is something I'm trying to work on so please go easy on me!

How would you tell her she's not welcome? Given how she doesn't see the lack of space, newborn, or mine and DP's need for family time as issues.

I’d just be honest and say Can you postpone until a later time as new baby’s are exhausting and you will have your hands full with toddler as well give you time to adjust as a family

What kind of craziness is this! Your friend is barking.

Just came on to say that if you end up with a C section, you may well need your own sofa to sleep on. Definitely not a visit you can plan for the early days. Stick to your guns OP!

Just say that you want to spend the first few weeks with your partner and that you'll be in touch when you think you're up to having people stay over.

I take it she has never had a baby ?!
The answer is no and you will feel better when you have told her.
Wishing you all the best for everything too 💐

Since it's now gone over a day, I might be tempted to call (no text, though) and say you want to check on her because text messages might mislead. There was an early poster saying that it would be best later when baby is older since you will be on your own and would like the company / need more help. I would go with that. Also that baby can arrive any time +/- 2 weeks and she might book now but the bay arrives later or you are in hospital with an induction or whatever. Better a bit later when everything has settled.
She might think she can help and probably envisions herself chatting to older child whilst you feed newborn, as if that's all it's required. Say that when first one was born you spent half of the night in the living room and that would disturb her. Since she's saying she comes to help, she probably needs a good sleep too.

Maybe she wants to meet baby as a newborn, though. If so, maybe suggest if she could arrange accommodation nearby with another friend and you could see then if newborn is a good sleeper and if she can stay with you then (slim chance though). It's a bit of a lottery and she will be spending a lot of money to visit you when no one knows if baby will be here (will s/he?), if you will be out of hospital, if baby needs to stay in hospital, if other family does impromptu visits, if you'll feel well, if baby will feed well, etc. I'd suggest when baby is 2-3 months old and you are settled in a routine. She might think you don't care about her and are protective of your baby (i.e. baby is mine, I want time on my own with him/her), just reassure her that it's a lot of money to spend and you worry she will be stressed with all the noise, lack of sleep, dirty clothes, chaos and potentially hospital time. You rather spend quality time when she can help you to get out of the house, do things like bathing baby together whilst you talk or whatever?
Obviously she's naive but probably well meaning.

I had no idea the reality of being a mum until I had my own...I’d stay at my friend’s on a visit (not with a newborn) and rock down at 11am odd in the morning...I remember at the time she’d give my a strange look ... I now that that was the look of “You can to sleep uninterrupted all week and lie in every weekend...why could you not offer to get up with the kids and play with them!” - I just did not get it, feel guilty now!! Honestly tell her no, she might be miffed, but will understand if she has kids one day!

Just text her if you find it difficult but I wouldn't list all the reasons why. Just say what you want-to spend those weeks with baby and partner- and leave it at that. You don't need to give reasons for your choices about your own life.

*I know now that was the look of

Don't offer excuses or feel like you have to explain yourself. She is damn rude expecting this. You need to be blunt because she's either too dense to take the hint or choosing not to. Either is irritating. She's being so rude, I'm angry for you.

Just Read the Fucking Thread, people.

Say you cannot host as you don’t know how you will feel afterwards and you cannot plan around a visitor. I had an emergency c section and strep B and ended up in hospital for 7 days with newborn in intensive care. Say no firmly now.

I wouldn't call as others have suggested, why? What for? The OP has already dealt with it via a text message. There is no need for her to make a phone call. The ball is in the CF friend's court to contact. Not the OP. And if the CF friend doesn't contact again, that's just too bad. That's the CF friend's loss. The OP should not go chasing up CF friend. It is completely unnecessary.

CF clearly doesn't understand that you are having a baby, OP. She appears to think it will be the same as getting a new puppy or kitten. No big deal.

Goodness me! Definitely the right thing to say no. Hopefully she realises in time it's nothing personal z

@Februaryblooms
If she responds to complain, I’d probably say I thought you were joking! I don’t think I could handle a visitor for 2 hours never mind 2 weeks. And we still have no spare room! Then say some of the boobs and belly hanging out stuff and stitches and the not quite so wonderful points about giving birth that aren’t advertised!

Crikey Nope 90./////////≥o!xzO [-that happened by accident but it seems to say what I feel!]

Just tell her she that until she has a baby she hasn't a clue how tiring it is and how much you need to just fall asleep at any very rare opportunity and that you can be awake all night and you might be screaming let alone the baby and that when a new baby arrives the family really needs to huddle together and nest in together and the NO SHE CAN'T COME! (stupid woman what the heck's she thinking...)

IMO your message was fine, OP - if she takes offence at that she's not worth bothering with. Please don't get yourself into a tizz in case she's offended.

I would just be honest with her. You should tell her you and your husband want time alone as a family to bond with your new born. You live in a small home and having someone sleep on the sofa when you need the space is inconvenient and that’s that. She clearly has no children of her own and doesn’t have a clue about how one feels after giving birth. Personally, I wasn’t particularly sociable in the first few weeks and wanted to be left alone to take care of my baby. I would use that as a reason why too!

I find it really odd that people expect to stay with people . Especially when you have no spare room. Say that she’s welcome later in the year when you’ve found your feet but you can’t entertain a guest and care for a newborn - what’s the distance between your homes if she wants to come for a couple of weeks? Do you both live in the UK?

She may be well intentioned but I would have find this quite imposing as she wouldn’t have her room and so in the way.

I don’t think you need to measure it down. Just say no as with the newborn you all need to find how it will be...

And if you want... add that in a few extra months you will be happy to say when she can come crash on your couch.

Don’t phone her or get into any kind of conversation about why you have said no. If she has never met your dh or your dc1, you can’t be that close? If she was honestly that good a friend, she would have come to meet them previously. As we get older our friendships change. I look at the friends I had pre children, then those I had when the dc were babies and those I have now (youngest dc is 8, so more independent and my time is a bit freer than it was 8 years ago) and they are all very different.

Don’t loose sleep over her, if she gets in touch and can see your point of view, excellent. If she gets the hump, move on, I’m sure if/when she has her own dc she will look back and cringe about this.

I’ve never had a baby. But I wouldn’t dream of landing on a new mum friend for two weeks. Just saying. Don’t tar all us childless women with the same brush.

Not RTFT but this is a bonkers idea! It is in no way appropriate & you need to say no. However I think if she did come she would soon change her mind & head home. Good luck

If she doesn’t contact you OP you’ll know she isn’t really the friend you thought she was! She’s thinking about herself not you! A true friend would understand. You’ll look back in years to come and realise that and be glad it ended there! Believe me it’s happened to me.

You don’t think it’s moved on in 13 pages? If you don’t want to read it, why post?

Christ on a bike! I have no children yet and it would never occur to me to offload myself onto a friend who had a newborn for 2 weeks!!

Who does that? Even I 100% understand that a baby will be up all hours as will you. But the main thing for me would be that I wouldn’t want to intrude on you and your DP getting to know and bonding with your new baby!

When my best friend had her DD I wanted to go see her and the baby, but I held off and texted her to tell her that I couldn’t wait to meet the little one, but understood she’d have loads of family visiting to meet the baby and that I knew she’d be knackered from it all and I’d come and see baby once she’d had time to get rid of the flow of visitors and had got some rest herself and time for her and her DH to have to themselves with their little one. I didn’t want to be a burden or in the way. I was able to come to that conclusion because I knew that’s how I’d feel if I’d just had a baby!

My friend was relieved that I knew what she was dealing with and texted me a couple of weeks later to say i could drop by whenever I was free as she’d got rid of the initial influx of visitors and wanted a catch up.

She’s always told me since then she appreciated my understanding and couldn’t understand why nobody else seemed to understand!

Some people I think are completely oblivious!