To wonder who took a shit in my yard

[Imacliche]

Just that really. I have an old bench I acquired thats in my yard. Going to sand blast it and tart it up. Two days ago I noticed a huge turd underneath said bench.
Now there are cats that tend to come in my yard, but this is far too large for a cat deposit, unless maybe a puma got in. Gate is locked from inside. Looks like it could be a human turd, maybe a small bear even. But whatever has done it has done it under the bench.
Should I be concerned about bears? Where did the turd come from?
Is it a sign from above?
Any ideas.
I can provide a diagram but it would pretty much just be a dump under a bench.
Any ideas wise mumsnetters?

Hmm. V interesting. How large is it, is it grey in colour?

Id say more a rich chesnut brown.

And its pretty hefty. Perhaps due to a carb based diet?

Anyone else (eg fellow flat dwellers) have access to your yard?

Do bears even eat sandwiches and pasta though? So many questions

"I can provide a diagram but it would pretty much just be a dump under a bench"
Brilliant :o

Noone else has access. I live in a terraced house.

where do you live? as in USA bear country or Surrey?

Is there an upstairs or nearby window from whence it could have been thrown?

A neighbour could've had a first date who was a shy pooper.

Is it curled round or straight

Wasn't me.

Ooh shy pooper, good theory. Good shot to get it under a bench and extremely neatly piled.
I live in Cumbria. Home of the bears and land of the free turders apparantly

Its well coiled stealth. Its an impressively neat deposit

too large for a Fox or badger?

I found a massive poo in our garden under the trampoline once, but it surely must’ve been fox or cat, our garden is pretty inaccessible to people.
—I hope—

Fox, caught short while enjoying the view from your bench?

Cabbage im.not familiar with animal and poop size ratios. Shall have to google.
Cornelius this is interesting. Could be a bear with IBS that likes to travel?

Are you sure it isn't a Cumberland sausage

Do you sleepwalk?

Harry not a bad shout. The view from the bench is a big wall, so indeed highly engrossing. I shall provide loo roll and a outdoor latrine for future urgent fox needs.

💩

Not placemarking at all.

Sounds like a case for Shitlock Holmes.

Elephantina resembles more of a lincolnshire. But it is most definitely not edible.
I dont sleep walk and probably wouldn't fit under the bench.

Should i put posters up in the local area? Offering a reward. A "have you seen this dump"kind of thing. Maybe even add the diagram I mentioned above? Maybe someone has misplaced it

About 6 months ago we found a turd inside a polythene bag in our back garden. We have locked gates at the front, so no-one could wander in a for a quick squat. We've never worked out where it came from.