To wonder who took a shit in my yard

[Imacliche]

Just that really. I have an old bench I acquired thats in my yard. Going to sand blast it and tart it up. Two days ago I noticed a huge turd underneath said bench.
Now there are cats that tend to come in my yard, but this is far too large for a cat deposit, unless maybe a puma got in. Gate is locked from inside. Looks like it could be a human turd, maybe a small bear even. But whatever has done it has done it under the bench.
Should I be concerned about bears? Where did the turd come from?
Is it a sign from above?
Any ideas.
I can provide a diagram but it would pretty much just be a dump under a bench.
Any ideas wise mumsnetters?

Ah yes. Now you mention it , it does have a renaissance air about it.

It's one of those shitting men.

Hoping a turd burglar will be next to break in my yard.thus completing the circle of life

It's probably an itinerant artist who expresses themselves through the medium of shit

The artist known as "Whoopsy".

Someone once shat in a flannel and threw it over the fence into our back yard.

It was definitely human. We were mystified as to why, but it had to be deliberate. I mean, who gets caught short but just happens to have a handy flannel in their pocket? Our only theory was one of mistaken identity – someone else on the same road had a dog they never bothered to pick up after.

Maybe we should all carry a flannel round for emergencies? I feel like ive been leaving my house woefully unprepared for urgent bowel evacuation situaitions

Deffo a Cockapoo

You'd have to line yourself up with the slats in the bench pretty accurately, based on the slat spacing of mine, not to have a unholy mess on your hands and everything else...

Can you post a photo please? It's impossible to pass judgement without a photo of the crime scene.

Also, I've done the occasional emergency shit, usually whilst out dog walking. Never in anyone's garden.

I'd say from the description it's a human shit. If there are loose slats, is it possible that someone sat on the bench and crapped through the gap?

I have seen bear poo, it looks like someone has attacked a crate of passion fruit with a chainsaw. This does not sound like bear poo.

I have seen fox poo, its like cat poo with a little twisty bit on the end.

I think you must have upset your neighbours and I think that I know way too much about poo

All this talk of small carb-eating bears - marmalade sandwiches, do we think?

Duff i appreaciate what your saying, but I cannot in good conscience be the person that posted a photo of a banging shite online. Also no as the loose slat is at the front. See diagram upthread. It would be an impossible feat of toiletry to sit and aim it there. I fear this is just a mystery that may never be solved.

Freezer I recently started buying marmalade. Its making me wonder...

Duff also not gonna lie ive been caught short and done this too. However theres no greenery in my yard to serve as toilet roll, nor is there any dailymails hanging around. So unless it was a ghosty the culprit doesnt appear to be a wiper.

On balance most likely a 🦊 fox or a poorly 🐈 cat.

Is it possible that it's one of those fake shits that you can buy from the joke shop?

Someone may have put it there to shit you up?

I did lose my shit 💩 recently. If it was me i suppose i could apologise. I'll need proof though.

Really hope this isn't a reverse...

Maybe I should LTD
Yes it is indeed a reverse. You busted me. I Am actually the turd.

Thigh I often lose my shit and often wondered where it went

Sorry OP, I didnt realise anyone lived there!

I can't believe you're the turd. I knew you were full of shit!