To wonder who took a shit in my yard

[Imacliche]

Just that really. I have an old bench I acquired thats in my yard. Going to sand blast it and tart it up. Two days ago I noticed a huge turd underneath said bench.
Now there are cats that tend to come in my yard, but this is far too large for a cat deposit, unless maybe a puma got in. Gate is locked from inside. Looks like it could be a human turd, maybe a small bear even. But whatever has done it has done it under the bench.
Should I be concerned about bears? Where did the turd come from?
Is it a sign from above?
Any ideas.
I can provide a diagram but it would pretty much just be a dump under a bench.
Any ideas wise mumsnetters?

@SheldonandMama wait! How do you know it was her name and address and not a stray letter she'd found and used for bum wiping purposes??

Once found a human sized poop on my garden path. Lived next to one of those b and b's that are used for druggies agd the like, presumed one of them got locked out?

@BigButtonsOnMyPhone

It will be birds taking them out bins and dropping them. I see them doing it at the beach park near us because the bins are open and the birds can get to the many shit bags inside 🤢

A truly fantastic diagram. What an odd place for it to be. Could they lift the slat up and then curl one out do you think??

Call taggart, theres been a turder

@Heathcliff27 I never normally believe it when people say this on Mumsnet, but I am crying at that

why, thank you 😊

A runner, they crap randomly, often on pathways or in gardens, this one decided to chuck it over and it landed behind the bench. If you don't believe me Google will confirm.

I think that’s considerate so nobody steps on it. So that rules out a dog since they couldn’t care less wheee they poop
I’m gonna go with a fox or badger

Before you rule out a dog have you considered it might be a Shitzu?

Disgustang

This thread is pure gold.

A polystyrene bag?? What is this now? Polystyrene is that white stuff that companies feel the need to use to package white goods etc yes? The stuff my cat likes to rip to shit and that never quite hoovers up entirely? How does one make a bag out of that?

@many replies from a @stealthpolarbear on this topic....I think your culprit is hiding in plain sight....

That was meant to tag @imacliche not sure how that became many?!

how very dare you!
Sheldon and Mama we need an update!

Aliens.

Stealth did you shit in my yard?

@tinsel i think i have a very considerate shitter on my hands. Well not literally but yes. Perhaps a fox with IBS and good manners? Maybe i shall leave him a thankyou note?im definitley leaning towards a bear with a carb based diet tho, the girth, length and autumnal chesnut shade points to a small but agile bear who likes pasta.

Heathcliff.. do i need to draw a white chalk mark round it??

Can u get it DNA tested?

snog you mean take a fingernail or hair from it. Because Im not sure it has any.

Suppose I could swab it .

Set up a Shitewatch camera - bait it if you must with some VIPoo, some light reading and a candle to entice them.

Good idea. May even get a photo-shit so i can send it into crimewatch.

It's probably an itinerant artist who expresses themselves through the medium of shit and has lost their palette?

A tortured soul who is immaturing as an artist.