To wonder who took a shit in my yard

[Imacliche]

Just that really. I have an old bench I acquired thats in my yard. Going to sand blast it and tart it up. Two days ago I noticed a huge turd underneath said bench.
Now there are cats that tend to come in my yard, but this is far too large for a cat deposit, unless maybe a puma got in. Gate is locked from inside. Looks like it could be a human turd, maybe a small bear even. But whatever has done it has done it under the bench.
Should I be concerned about bears? Where did the turd come from?
Is it a sign from above?
Any ideas.
I can provide a diagram but it would pretty much just be a dump under a bench.
Any ideas wise mumsnetters?

Does your bench have slats

Bigbuttons I believe this could be an epidemic. Maybe I need to start a vigilante group so find the culprit

Although many a mil pursed lips have been compared to a cat's bum, I can confirm that some cats can shit like a large dog. Our three legged neighbour's cat (the cat not the neighbour, had three legs btw), used to do them smack bang in the middle of the lawn. Couldn't be bothered to cover or dig. They were massive!

Stealth it does indeed have slats. However one is loose (see above about being work in progress)
Dump situated slightly behind last slat on the seat. So is blocked by the back rest. So a sit and squat situation looks unlikely

I read that as 3 legged neighbour and was momentarily very impressed at the thought of an extra leg

Ima i am very close to Heathrow and it’s perfectly possible(ish) something exotic escaped from the animal quarantine centre... the neighbours fence is awful though so would have to be able to clear it in one bound. A bear would have just smashed through. Cougar?

Could it be a fake poop? Have you poked it?

I live very close to a zoo. Should I be concerned about giraffes and wolves on the loose?

Bianca one should never poke a poop.
Using a poo knife is much more appropriate

Not sure but I'd log it with101
:o

Stealth. Would it be classed as fly shitting
?

Are you sure it's not one of those fake plastic turds that someone has thrown under there?

Leek im pretty sure fake turds dont produce steam...

Erm doesn't thay mean it's recent? Can you hear any roaring?

Cat with a thyroid problem is my guess. My elderly cat used to do what we nicknamed as tramp poos as they were large enough to have been left by a human.

Get forensics in and get them to check it lol

Stealth I havent heard roaring. I may need to go undercover tonight. Maybe leave out a tasty sandwich for the bear who likes carbs

Do you have plenty of food in the cupboards, lots of daddy's beer and water in the tap?

Vodka would they dust it ? Or bag it as evidence?
Cat with a thyroid is interesting. Could indeed pass for a tramp poo. Shall eyeball the local cats for illness.

Stealth cupboards are full...Im ready for this. I keep emergency supplies for such stakeout needs.

I shall provide loo roll and a outdoor latrine for future urgent fox needs

And maybe a current magazine. Fox News, I'm sure would be appreciated.

Steam? So it was recent?
Do you live alone, any spouse or child?
To pp with poop in a polystyrene bag, this is done special forces soldiers so they can remove their waste from the area and not be traced....but it was probably a taxi driver...

hmm bag it

taste test it

Might be fox poo.

You bloody weirdo vodka