To ask if your partner or sibling comes first?

[Seabrook15]

I know this depends on circumstances and relationships, but in general, I am wondering what the majority answers! I am in a bit of a situation that although I don't have to "pick" between the 2, it also kind of is. Just wondering, if asked that question, what you'd answer?

BertrandRussell an "all things being equal" situation, where both siblings and partner have done nothing wrong and have equal need is surely the only meaningful way to answer this question without ore information.

Saying sibling unconditionally is just as daft.

Saying choosing a partner over a sibling is "choosing a man over family" is the thinking of a teenager, especially as a sibling can often be a man and being a blood relative doesn't stop someone being a nasty piece of work, and plenty of MN ers are in same sex relationships, partner could be someone's wife and partner of 30 years and sibling a brother with a criminal record for all anyone knows...

My siblings are all married to partners they've been with decades and have children with. I would never, ever want them to put me before their spouses in an all things being equal situation, and they wouldn't, and neither would I put them before my spouse whom I've been with 20 years and share 3 children with.

its a meaningless question and im surprised so many people have answered it.
what is the op talking about?

Yeah sorry but it entirely depends on the circumstances and what other support was available to either of them and how each cane to be in the situation they’re in.

How can anyone answer that.

What the circumstance is to have to choose and what your sibling or partner is like depends on the answer.

Why would there be a choice. It's two different relationships that are different.

Like a previous poster said sometimes a stranger in the street could have more importance in that moment than your partner.

I find it odd that people can answer so definitely unless they have a terrible relationship with one of them.

“Saying sibling unconditionally is just as daft.”

Of course.

That’s why this can only be answered on a case by case basis.

I have to say I do worry a bit about the number of unquestioning “partner” answers. But then I worry about “we are one person” thinking in general.

My partner is my responsibility, my sibling is not. What I mean is that my presence and behaviour and wants and needs are directly tied to my partner whereas, though very close and precious to me, my sibling is not. He has his own life that doesn’t directly tie to mine.

To follow on from Berts comment, we are living one life. We are not the same person. And I’d be perfectly capable of removing my partner if his behaviour started negatively affecting my life. My sibling is great so it’s hard to imagine this but I guess I could also step away from a sibling if they were treating me badly.

But marriage is a dependency, financially and emotionally, going both ways. There’s nothing wrong with as long as you’ve chosen very carefully who to create that dependency with.

I can't think of a circumstance where a choice is required?

“But marriage is a dependency, financially and emotionally, going both ways”

Of course it is. That doesn’t mean that your husband’s ingrowing toenail trumps your sister’s broken leg.

Right, in the situation suggested that they're both ill and need looking after... Sisters have other family to take care of them so partner, but if he had a little sniffle and they were in hospital then I know he'd want me to go to them while he fends for himself (and DS). If they didn't have someone to help then they'd have to stay here so I could look after all of them at once.

In real life we just mix things up to suit the circumstances, e.g. when DN was suddenly in hospital near us I rushed up while my DH made him nice food and brought it once his family arrived (the whole lot had already been on the way to meet at our house from various locations), then he went back to his family while I stayed until my sister came. In following days we made food and I'd nip in to see DN and DSis with it, then the rest of the time was with his family. Neither he nor his family wouldn't expect me to not see DN because his family were here, but by working round things I could fit in spending time with them too. As could my sister actually, while DN watched films happily enough. It would be a strange situation if his family didn't also care about DN's welfare and worry about him, I don't think I'd like them very much if they were like that.

I’m not sure I could choose, really. My sister is 8 years younger than me so I’ve always felt responsible for her and I absolutely adore her to boot.
Although she is only 18 and still lives at home, so if they were both ill she’d have our parents looking after her and my partner would be dependent on me.

Well, if they were both ill, surely it would depend on who had someone else to look after them? My dp has his mum and 3 siblings and plenty of friends. My sibling is much older, and only has me. Well, he has friends, but all his age or older.

Hmmm partner but my brother is a dick, maybe if we were closer it'd be different.
I guess it's subjective really, rather than outright.

Now I am married and have kids, husband.

Before that probably sibling.

Depends on the situation. I have a sibling with ongoing health issues and I used to be his carer. I still do a lot of stuff with and for him and my spouse does too.

If I had to choose between them I would find it very difficult.

My DH would come first. I love my sister very much but she has her own husband and family and I would also expect her to prioritise the over me.

Kids
Dh
Dog
And then maybe my brother I’m sure he’d say the same

Partner. My family are shit.

By choosing I mean there are claims from my sister about my DP. Quite frankly, my decision will mean the other is out of my life forever.

Seabrook15, is your sister claiming that he’s stalking and harassing her?

Oh right... thanks op.

I guess I’d think “who would have a good reason to lie?” in that scenario.

Would your sister have a reason to make something up? Would your partner have a reason to deny something which is in fact true?

Also, it would depend on their characters. Are they both usually honest? Does your sister make things up a lot? Etc.

Well what claims, what do you mean?

You're being so cryptic, it's really impossible to help.

If it’s that he’s stalking and harrassing her then he has a lot more reason to lie than she does 🤷‍♀️. What could she gain by lying? He gains a lot by lying; ie avoids trouble.

Seabrook, in that case it isn't about who is important. It is about who is lying, who has most to lose, who you can trust.

I'd suggest you get real life support from someone you share the actual details with. We can't help in a blanket, pick one, kind of way.

Hmmm tough one.

Personally if someone said I could only ever see my sister or my DP of 5 years again. I'd pick my sister. Shes 15, were really close.

But if it was a tantrum and a it's me or her/him situation then I'd pick the person not making me pick.