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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if your partner or sibling comes first?

250 replies

Seabrook15 · 09/03/2019 16:30

I know this depends on circumstances and relationships, but in general, I am wondering what the majority answers! I am in a bit of a situation that although I don't have to "pick" between the 2, it also kind of is. Just wondering, if asked that question, what you'd answer?

OP posts:
behindlocknumbernine · 09/03/2019 21:14

If partner is longstanding, then partner.
If partner is relatively new on the scene (a year or two), then sibling.

sailorsdelight · 09/03/2019 21:15

Sibling but can’t imagine why I would have to choose! I’m the eldest so DSis is forever the ‘baby’ that I need to protect. DP would be okay with that too... but as we have DCs everything comes after them anyway

Jsmith99 · 09/03/2019 21:17

Partner.

I get on fine with my siblings, but we are very different people with very different lives and are not particularly close.

Ivegotthree · 09/03/2019 21:21

Partner.

BertrandRussell · 09/03/2019 21:22

People who say “partner” without qualification are a bit daft. it’s midnight- you have said you’ll pick one up from the pub an easy taxi ride away, then the other rings to say they are stuck with a baby in a broken down car half an hour away-that’s a no brainer surely? And you’ve agreed to go shopping with one and the other has a really bad day at work and needs to talk. Ditto no brainer.

MaryShelley1818 · 09/03/2019 21:24

Always my husband

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2019 21:26

Why do you have to choose?

EEELA · 09/03/2019 22:39

It's complicated for me, because I chose both my sister and my partner. She's a step sister who needn't actually be considered a "sister" (we weren't raised together at all) and my partner is my partner (relatively new of 18 months and not living together, albeit serious). It would depend on the situation for me, but at the moment - probably my sister.

helacells · 09/03/2019 22:40

Hmm tough one. I always liked my partners in a romantic sense but loved my sisters more.

blueskiesovertheforest · 09/03/2019 22:49

Seabrook15 what do you mean by a partner though? Partner of 25 years, or some bloke you met in the pub last week (which is what growuppeople seems to think a partner is).

RainbowMum11 · 09/03/2019 22:51

Very interesting question and actually it totally depends on the situation - I wouldn't blindly believe DH over my DSis

MaybeIamUngrateful · 09/03/2019 22:52

That depends on the context

PoohBearsHole · 09/03/2019 22:58

I know DH would choose me over sibling or parents (he has previously and we’ve been together just shy of 20years). DH but circumstances dependent. Choosing a birthday party for example always dh. Life of death, well very different story and dh would back my decision 100%

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 01:15

I agree with a pp, it's quite foolish to say partner without knowing the circumstances.

So if your partner tells your sibling to F**k off and never set foot in your home again, you'd choose him?

Or he was abusive to you and your brother or sister called him out on it you'd choose him?

How can those of you say your husband/partner without the information?

I think those responses are indicative of people who make decisions without the facts... I'm sorry but that's not something an intelligent person would do.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 01:21

@Seabrook15

The circumstances matter though. As I said up above, it would depend. If my H stalked my Dsis and made sexual comments to her ... as in a current thread... then of course I would choose my Dsis.

Not doing do, pretty much tells the DH in question that you're a fool who loves blindly and leaves you in a poor situation.
Most people would be repulsed and disgusted by something like that...I certainly couldn't be intimate with such a man... meaning the marriage is done.

Laalmiss3 · 10/03/2019 01:31

Hubby first but if my brother needs me, he needs me. Smile

DioneTheDiabolist · 10/03/2019 01:41

Another "Depends on the situation", but it would have to be pretty extreme. And I'd probably choose:
My sibling.

Even if we are not speaking/close, I know my siblings are always there for me and I for them. I have known them longer than any partner. And even if I wanted to, I could not not love them. Having children has made us love each other more. In an uncertain world, I know I can depend on them and them on me, despite our differences.

Growuppeople · 10/03/2019 04:06

-blueskiesoverthefores— yes a random, is that a question? Why are people picking a man over family maybe it’s just me if my DH made me choose my sister/family over him they will always come first. You want me you accept my family! I apologise if this difference of opinion offends some people

Birdie6 · 10/03/2019 04:10

My husband, always.

TORDEVAN · 10/03/2019 06:36

My DH for sure over 1 of my Dsis, the other Dsis we'd see the circumstances :p

Margot33 · 10/03/2019 06:59

Depends on the situation really. Abusive spouse vs caring sibling, good spouse vs narcissist sibling etc. If its just a little fallout then I
would stay out of it and be friends with both.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/03/2019 07:36

What a ridiculous question because how can anyone say for definite?

All these “my partner, always,” type responses are a bit silly as obviously it depends on the situation...

Your sister rings you because her DH has admitted he’s having an affair, he hit her then he walked out and she wants you to go over. Your husband doesn’t want you to go because he needs a lift to the train station in an hour or so because he wants to go out with his mates. You’d seriously tell your sister that your husband comes first so you won’t be going over?

My DH and my sister are equally important to me and when it came to choosing who needed me most and who I would go to would entirely depend on the situation.

If it were a case of my sister telling me she’d seen my DH with another woman but by DH denied it, I would believe my sister over him.

In situations where both of them needed me at the sane time for equally bad reasons I would be very conflicted because I would desperately want to be there for them both. The likelihood though is that I would choose my DH but I would ensure and go out of my way to make sure my sister had someone else with her in my place. To be honest though, my DH would probably tell me to be with my sister because he knows how much she means to me.

Plus - the answers people are giving on here aren’t a true reflection of how things are, or how things should be in terms of loyalty because we all have very, very different relationships with our siblings so our answers aren’t comparable.

Obviously someone who isn’t close to their sibling would pick their DH even if they’d DH’s need isn’t as great, whereas posters who have very close and loving relationships with their siblings will find it much harder to always place them in second position behind their DH/DP.

BertrandRussell · 10/03/2019 07:43

It’s an absurd question. Sometimes in a choice between my dp and a random person in the street, the random person in the street would come first. It is entirely dependent on the situation. Or it should be- unless you are so in thrall to/scared of/controlled by your dp that you have to put him first at all times for your own safety.

blueskiesovertheforest · 10/03/2019 08:38

Growuppeople how is someone you e lived with for 25 years, have joint everything with, are raising joint children who are now teens with "a random"? Most people live with their partner for far more years than with siblings, and therefore by middle age have a stronger bond and know them better and trust them more.

blueskiesovertheforest · 10/03/2019 08:40

And yes of course the circumstances matter - but answers given on an internet thread are not binding. Most of us are reading this as an "all things being equal" question I assume. So assuming neither has done anything unforgivable and neither is in a more desperate situation than the other.

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