M in law thinks I need to be a part of her family

[Tweety1981]

M in law told me that my children and my husband are her family ...

And

Do I not want to be a part of her family ?!

Back story is that in laws MIL and FIL don’t like me and feel that they should have greater control over me and my OH and children .

We live a few hours away and used to visit once a fortnight but don’t anymore ( as often ).

They were taking photos of my children behind my back to put on social media ( which I dont want and had told them not to )

Take my children ( very young ) and try to seperate me from them ( my children ) when they visit.

Wanted to watch me breastfeed and wanted me to leave my bedroom door open when I stay over at theirs with my husband etc...

AIBU to feel totally stressed by them ...

Yabu not to tell her to fuck off.

I haven’t done that! Lol

Where is your H in this?

What does he think of this, and how supportive is he of you?

MN makes me feel I've gotten off so lightly.

Aye, DH?

Wanted to watch me breastfeed and wanted me to leave my bedroom door open when I stay over at theirs with my husband

Why? Sorry but that’s perverted.

Time to encourage DH to loosen the apron strings and slowly decrease visits.
Anything they want you to do that your are uncomfortable with is met with, ‘I don’t like that,’’ I am uncomfortable with that’ or ‘no’.
If they want to visit, ‘that does not suit us, how about....’
Gently withdraw until you are at a comfortable distance.

Easterbunny meant you should have told to her fuck off.

Being part of her family doesn’t mean you give up all rights to privacy. Have you had a falling out about it?

Oh I've had the whole "your children (and dh) are our family" not me I'm just the vessel that delivered the kids ! I could write a book about my in laws the stuff they've said and done. I just keep contact to a minimum. They don't even communicate with me anymore. I don't let them have a relationship with my children either though, if you can't hold a conversation with me you aren't going to have anything more than a flying visit from my children. We see them once every 2 or 3 months, they live 5 minutes drive away. All their doing.

They sound unhinged.

Privacy and them not interfering was at the heart of our distancing ourselves, they treated my husband like he was still 6! When we announced we were expecting our first child at the age of 32, engaged, 10 years together, his mother said "how did this happen?" Like it was a disaster! Not 2 people who had planned a baby together!! She was very upset !

They hate me ! Just because I don’t want to see them every fortnight !

I agree who tells two 30 something adults to leave their bedroom door open when they stay at theirs !! It’s frickin crazy

To be fair DH is an only child . Regardless he’s totalky understanding and has agreed a bit of distance is reasonable .

But even then I feel at times threatened and other times completely violated !dread the next visit..

Eg , one time I was on show topless in bedroom and MIL walks in .. rather than leave she tries to start a conversation with me .

Even FIL has walked in when we are both in bed ( asleep ) to ‘ bring in a cup of tea ‘

WTF

Yes we have fallen out .. they blame me and accuse me of ‘ keeping them away ‘ . But honestly that’s not it .. at worst they are interfering and at worst I feel violated by their need of knowing and seeing everytjing like my topless tits lol

Do you blame me for not wanting to see them all the time .

Even then I’m accommodating in that I haven’t cut them off just don’t
Want to see them to often and don’t enjoy it ..
They criticise me a lot , we are a mixed heritage marriage and they have a lot of opinions about me and my culture and my family etc.

I’ve put up with a lot including racist comments that I’ve overheard and ignored ..

The best way to deal with people like this is low-ish contact, short and sweet, and don't rise to any baiting, just be calm, polite and completely unreceptive to silliness fro m them. I know it's fashionable to 'confront' people and insist on obedience or you will never speak to them again, but (unless there is major manipulation and/or violence going on) this kind of makes you look like a whining tit and ends up with prolonged feuds which benefit no one.

Distance, reduce visits to once a month. Then every 6 weeks, every 2 months etc.
As children get older and have more activities it is a natural decline.

Thanks everyone. Feel like I’m doing the right thing . Want to do right by DH too and not easy to know and feel confident about doing the right thing for everyone . Certainly don’t want to hurt or upset DH who is an absolute gem and love of my life 😊

And of course your absolute gem of a DH has told them in no uncertain terms that he will not tolerate racism and contemptuous disrespect. He has, hasn't he ....?

Time to stop ignoring then and say something at the time. They only do it because they are allowed to.

My gem of a husband works very hard to do the best he can for us .moving away from them . Accepting and recognising that the way they treat me is wrong . He has spoken to them about their racist comments and telling them to be careful what they say about me , he had reduced the visits . I don’t expect any more from him . I suppose I should demand an apology but I suppose I don’t want it to be a battle of egos .

They don't even communicate with me anymore. I don't let them have a relationship with my children either though, if you can't hold a conversation with me you aren't going to have anything more than a flying visit from my children. We see them once every 2 or 3 months, they live 5 minutes drive away. All their doing.
Snap! I never visit now. DP does if I leave him alone with DS. So I only leave him alone every 4 months. Ive made it clear they can visit me, if they want to see me of DS.
They’ve not set a foot through the door.

It’s horrible, some ILs do think we are the vessels for their blood relations and nothing else.

@reanimated good advice. Don’t say you never want to see them. Just gradually lessen all contact.

Yours make mine sound tame, what’s the bedroom door thing all about?

I’d agree with the advice to go low ish contact and keep visits short and polite, just don’t respond to any shit from them. Is your husband on your side? Does he realise his parent’s behaviour isn’t right or fair to you?

PinaColada you are too nice saying they can see your DS if they see you, I don’t go that far, if I did they’d come round and just ignore me . Before our eldest could talk my mil would do this weird thing where she’d chat to my daughter through me, so she’d have an entire conversation where I’d answer as my daughter but she’d not actually speak to me at all so it’d go “what did you have for breakfast...? (In a baby voice) I’d reply for her “ oh I had porridge”. “Ooo was it yummy?” “ yes it was lovely thank you...” I told my mum about this batshit thing I seem to be participating in and my mum just said “ stop replying you silly sod, she’ll soon stop”. So I did! We had complete silence for a while until my daughter could actually talk .

You are absolutely right

It’s like you are a vessel through which their family grows .

And you are a necessary evil !! How dare you believe you need your own privacy .

You belong to them now ... you married their son !!!

My in laws ignore me too .. it’s so rude ...

I never will understand woman who say things like ' it's my child and if in laws want contact they have to be nice to me'... the child has a father too. If the father doesn't get along with the mothers parents I assume that the father also get to stop the mothers parents having contact with the child too then? It's just weird how some women forget that one day their child that their world revolves around will grow up and may marry someone they don't get on with... not sure these same women as grandparents will be so understanding when they are cut out.