M in law thinks I need to be a part of her family

[Tweety1981]

M in law told me that my children and my husband are her family ...

And

Do I not want to be a part of her family ?!

Back story is that in laws MIL and FIL don’t like me and feel that they should have greater control over me and my OH and children .

We live a few hours away and used to visit once a fortnight but don’t anymore ( as often ).

They were taking photos of my children behind my back to put on social media ( which I dont want and had told them not to )

Take my children ( very young ) and try to seperate me from them ( my children ) when they visit.

Wanted to watch me breastfeed and wanted me to leave my bedroom door open when I stay over at theirs with my husband etc...

AIBU to feel totally stressed by them ...

OP if your dh doesn't want to see them without you it means he is using you and DC as meatshields.

You and DC should go NC with them, and dh can deal with them on his own (and he won't because he knows they're shits). IF they behave themselves after a period of time that you are comfortable with (do not tell them the timeframe. Even you don't need to have a timeframe in your head. And behaving themselves means no snide comments, no tantrums, no lawn tantrums, just lovely relationship with their only child) then you can reintroduce seeing them at a neutral spot (not your home or theirs) with a strict timeframe at a time that is suitable for you. But you know they won't behave because, well, they never have before.

The in laws are clearly racist twats. They are not going to change.

Your DH still wants contact with them and wants the children to have contact. He won't see them with out you there too.

Am I the only one here that can see that DH is the issue here?!! His parents are racist against his wife and therefore also the children. Wife is deeply unhappy when they visit due to their behaviour.

Solutions-

1. OP and DH go NC with racist in laws ... DH doesn't want this

1. DH see in laws with child without OP therefore not putting OP through the stress ... DH won't allow this and insists OP is there on the visit

1. Things carry on the same, in laws behaviour continues to upset OP and the visits carry on as they always have... this is clearly DH's preferred option

DH can solve all of this with preferably option 1, if not option 2, but he chooses option 3.

OP your in laws sound awful but your DH sounds spineless and isn't putting you or your children first.

Wow

Frozen margarita I never saw it that way .

Your perspective is really interesting and kind of what I’ve been subconsciously exploring but not quite understanding what the F is going on

Please don’t get me wrong yes an amazing husband I think it is hard for him because they do manipulate and bully him jointly as his parents .

I can see that I’m not sure he sees it to the same degree , as he is an only child I don’t want him to lose contact or have very poor relationship with his parents .

I’m just done with being treated poorly by them and feel intimidated and threatened by their views and attempts to have a great influence over my children

But you're clearly not 'done' because nothing is going to change. I don't understand why you've posted when you don't want to find a solution. If you just want to vent then fair enough but there are solutions to your situation, but you and DH are choosing to have this toxic relationship with them.

Ok well maybe I just don’t know what the solution should be .

In my culture it is very wrong to cut off parents or parents in law no matter what they’ve done

In some cultures, it's deemed correct to perform FGM on a child. In some cultures, women aren't allowed to go out without a male chaperone.

Just because something's cultural, it doesn't mean it's right. Just because a toxic person is family, it doesn't mean they can get away with it with no consequences. Toxic people don't deserve respect, or to have a relationship with the family members they are bullying.

You and the children should go NC with them, and let your husband decide whether to continue a relationship with them, knowing he needs to see them on his own, or to also go NC.

Please stop using the fact that he is an only child in your posts to excuse any of this behaviour or to allow contact between you and them to continue. It's insulting to those of us who are only children and/or have only children. There is no causation here - perhaps some correlation. My DH is low contact with his mum and I am no contact because she's unpleasant and has narcissistic tendencies. He's one of three. I'm an only and my parents are free thinking and have zero desire to control my life.

PS My MIL also told me I was insulting her by not taking my husband's surname - that it was a refusal to join their family. I couldn't give a rat's bum. And I come from a culture where family is everything. But also where women get to keep our name by default - changing it is a pain. I wouldn't put up with it. Google the term FOG - it is used for children who struggle with their parents the way your husband is. DH and I agree that we are the family unit and so we have to protect those relationships first and foremost.

Racist comments about you surely also apply to your children?
My children would not be around people like that. I would leave it to DH to tell them why.
If he wants to go see them, fine, but him expecting you to tolerate that is so out of line it's made me angry.

I went NC with my grandmother after she asked what colour my (then) new bf was, and whether my cousin was still "hanging around with the n**s" (her husband and children?!)

I myself have a very forceful father in law. When we moved here (my dh siblings both live
In another country) it was expected that we get together every Sunday for lunch. I was trying very hard to be the "good little daughter in law) and accepted a whole lot until I realized that he meant to have control over every aspect of our lives, he saw us as "the children" and therefore we should do as he wanted and never question him. As an independent woman myself I saw that that was totally unacceptable. Over the last 26 years of marriage I have thrown my father in law out of my house more than once. I have also explained to my husband (who would always go along with whatever fil wanted because it was "easier") that our family is him,me and the children. Our parents,though we may love them,have their own lives and have done their job of raising their children. It is our turn. Set your boundaries, and stick to them (you might even win begrudging respect!). My fil still has episodes where he demands more, or just pushes the boundaries but we no longer play the game. Contact is on our terms and he has learned to accept that-when he needs reminding that we have other plans and can therefore not accommodate HIS plans for us, then we do it. Good luck sweetie,it is a struggle,but the thing you have to do is get your husband on board-once you are a unit, you can set your boundaries and stick to them. I can't list all the crazy shit that has happened to me,but you are strong and you can do this xx

This may sound odd but what about some mediation and set some ground rules on the basis that they stop being racist and vile to you. You also every right to keep the kids away from them if they continue their behaviour. Make it clear that they have caused the issues. Being your MIL doesn't give her a free pass to be a shitty person.

Not cutting off an abusive/toxic family member isn't cultural it's human nature. People put up with a lot of horrible behaviour from family and never cut them off. It's nothing to be proud of. You have a choice to engage with these people but you are subjecting your children (who have no choice) to them as well. Children need to feel secure in the relationships with there family and believe me you children will sense the disrespect and racism from their grandparents and it will shake their self esteem.

The 60s film Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner is about racism but it also has a fabulous speech from Sidney Poitiers to the effect that YOU OWE YOUR PARENTS NOTHING!
All the things they do for you, that’s their choice and obligation. All you have to do is treat them with appropriate respect.
I found that a very empowering scene, and I have lovely, respectful DPs.
And this goes a million times more for DGC. Legally, there is no such thing as Grandparents’ rights, and morally the only rights that could exist go in the other direction - the child may have the right to not have a loving and supportive relationship cut off.
That doesn’t apply here, though, does it? The GPs never put in the work to build the relationship, did they?
Plus, as racists, they have significant potential to harm their GC.

@PBobs I think you've misunderstood OP. I didn't read it that she was saying there was correlation/causation regarding DH being an only child, and his parent's behaviour, but rather she doesn't want to make him cut his parents off because he's their only child and they would be without anyone if he did. i.e, if there were other siblings, it wouldn't matter so much, because they'd still have contact with their other children.

I’m reading not responding yet but will do later

Thanks for all your support mums ... love you all x

Agree motion this is exactly what I think

I mean
Agree motoko exactly what I think .

Whatever they do don’t want to ruin their relationship with an only child .. when they are older and perhaps I’m not good health they would need family .

Though I don’t know if I am being too soft

Wow I would not be seeing them much at all. If they want you to be part of the family, they are doing a good job of making you run away from them. I am glad your dh is seeing the wood from the trees, I think they feel he is still 10 years old not 30 and can't accept that their baby is now an adult with a child of their own.

Agree aero girl it’s like they don’t want him to grow up

I think his parents are still infantisising him, being an only, they are probably more posessive. I am an only child, and feel that my mum can be with me, despite me being 41, and still talks to me as if I am a child not an adult.

You need to ask DH if he is happy for his children to get the message that racial abuse towards them and their mother is something they have to expect from grandparents.

Why can’t he visit on his own? Is he scared that his parents will really be nasty about you once he is on his own? Try to get him to leave you?

I would say that your DH could do with some counselling in order to deal with his toxic parents but if he refuses you need to tell him that he can deal with them on his own. Yoir job is to protect your children from racism and abuse which means cutting contact.

You are right.

I do pray at food time and I can see they don’t like it .

Also, when FIL visits , despite them knowing we don’t wear shoes in the house , and us offering slippers for him, he insists on spending sometime in hour house with his shoes on and stepping on our rug which we put down for our children to play on.

He knows I don’t want them to wear shoes in the house and FIL always draws put taking his shoes off , and does always wal around with his shoes on before taking them off .

They don’t do this in their own house.

I suspect its a way for FIL to tell me who is in charge....

Certainly sounds like it.