Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

M in law thinks I need to be a part of her family

102 replies

Tweety1981 · 08/03/2019 23:11

M in law told me that my children and my husband are her family ...

And

Do I not want to be a part of her family ?!

Back story is that in laws MIL and FIL don’t like me and feel that they should have greater control over me and my OH and children .

We live a few hours away and used to visit once a fortnight but don’t anymore ( as often ).

They were taking photos of my children behind my back to put on social media ( which I dont want and had told them not to )

Take my children ( very young ) and try to seperate me from them ( my children ) when they visit.

Wanted to watch me breastfeed and wanted me to leave my bedroom door open when I stay over at theirs with my husband etc...

AIBU to feel totally stressed by them ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 00:51

I think it depends on the degree of disagreement .

My in laws claimed legal rights over my children , in an attempt to get more contact , when in fact they were not getting on well with me or their son .

In fact , they also made clear that they did not want to be involved in child care for the children over whom they claim they have legal rights .

Really ? Does blood relations stretch so far as to give people access to their child when the individual would not even want to change a nappy ?

OP posts:
IsAStormApporaching · 09/03/2019 01:00

What is it with these families.
I like many others on this thread have been repeatedly told by mil that they are dh's 'first family' and they are dh and the dc's 'real family'
Heck know what I am I only grew the children
When dh and I tried to merge my family and his - by going out to dinner as a group- we where told through hysterics "why are you punishing me" Hmm 😂
She live across road from us and through her own behaviour I am nc , and dh and the dc are very lc.
Are you able to go to only one visit a month and let dh take dc to other visit himself.
The more distant you put between them and you the happier you will become.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 01:01

You thanks

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 09/03/2019 01:03

Your MIL is wrong. She thinks she is the only 'mummy' and sees you all as her children.
You will have to slowly change her thinking about that.
You, your DP and your children are a Separate family.
But your MIL doesn't see that yet.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 01:03

I think the line is drawn is when a set of grandparents say they have legal rights over your children .

When they do not wish to carry the challenges of raising a child and all that goes with it .

It’s a disgrace that mothers are being threatened by in laws.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 01:04

Yes she clearly doesn’t see us as s soerate family .

But when will this end I have two children now and don’t want to be intimidated by my in-laws anymore ! My life is too short !

OP posts:
LifeIsToughMate · 09/03/2019 01:12

*Do you blame me for not wanting to see them all the time .

Even then I’m accommodating in that I haven’t cut them off just don’t
Want to see them to often and don’t enjoy it ..
They criticise me a lot , we are a mixed heritage marriage and they have a lot of opinions about me and my culture and my family etc.

I’ve put up with a lot including racist comments that I’ve overheard and ignored ..*

Do we have the same mil ?

Bloody hell op you aren’t unreasonable . This is sooo irritating but I can’t pretend I have a solution when I’m struggling too

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 01:18

Thank god I’m not the only one

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 09/03/2019 04:59

They want to watch you breastfeed and leave the bedroom door open when you and DH stay over? Wtf? That's really weird. I would just do the due diligence at Christmas so the kids can say they know who their grandparents are and avoid any other in person contact. They sound really weird.

Nephilim1964 · 09/03/2019 07:09

As far as I'm aware, grandparents don't have any legal rights to see their grandchildren.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 10:30

Gps DO NOT have any legal rights to YOUR dc.
Please make sure they never see your dc without you there.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 16:58

UPDATE

In laws are coming over . I’ve agreed to it .

The only thing is they want to dictate what time they come on the day next week , and also insist on watching our sons football class at 8.30am.

We asked them to come at 10am ,
After we have finished football class , they are a few hours away .

They are angry that we have not invited them to our sons football class at 8.30am

They have now shouted at my husband saying they may not come at all .

I told my hubby it’s the one thing that he and I do together , he works long days and only has half an hour with his children before bed when he’s At work ,and I’m happy to spend the rest of the day with his parents , but want to watch our son as a unit on this occasion , plus it would be a long day if they come so early .

Their reaction has made me so anxious that I have palpitations and feel sick ...

I feel so intimidated by them ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 17:03

Really stressed about their reaction and the prospect of their visit gives me butterflies .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 17:19

.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 09/03/2019 17:36

In that case hopefully they carry out their threat of refusing to visit. Either way stand your ground. They may push more at first before learning you won't be taking their orders anymore.

Nanalisa60 · 09/03/2019 17:47

keep the bathroom door open!! That’s is not normal. And no one should just walk in to a guest bedroom you should always knock and wait to be asked in by your guests. Very rude!!

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 18:52

I don’t get how these people think they have rights when they would never change a nappy and expressly say so

OP posts:
elasticfantastic · 09/03/2019 18:55

Why not compromise and let DH visit his parents with the children while you have some time to yourself? Just once a month or something? Will take the stress off all of you. They do sound like twats but if DH wants to have a relationship with them and wants his children to, you all need to come to an arrangement that suits you all. Your DH sounds like he's in the middle of a rock and a hard place.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 19:05

I’ve already suggested this to DH .

DH does not want to go to see his parents without me

OP posts:
elasticfantastic · 09/03/2019 19:35

In that case I'd say DH needs to be more reasonable as he knows the stress it causes you seeing them.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 19:37

He says he doesn’t want to give up a weekend day if it means he’s not with me .

He also does not expect me to give up my or our weekend time with our children so that his parents have time with them

OP posts:
elasticfantastic · 09/03/2019 19:42

So you never have time apart to have time on your own? I don't think that's healthy in a relationship personally. So therefore the only solution is to go NC with these people or carry on being stressed and miserable. Still think your DH is being the selfish one .

longnight · 09/03/2019 19:43

If they don't come at half 8 they may not come at all? Great well we can arrange another time is best response right now to show them you have plans and you won't back down. Shouting shows a lack of respect when it starts calmly say if you continue I will hang up and follow through if they do.
Theres no point trying to reason with people who can be reasonable.

Livelovebehappy · 09/03/2019 19:47

Seriously? They have asked to come to your DCs football lesson and you’ve refused for some petty reason? There’s parts of the post that just don’t seem to make sense such as them wanting to watch you breastfeed. Are you sure some of the truth hasn’t been twisted here to get people onside?

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 19:52

No

Seriously

They wanted to watch me breastfeed and didn’t see why I wouldn’t want them there

They also wanted to be included on the midwife visits

OP posts: