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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

M in law thinks I need to be a part of her family

102 replies

Tweety1981 · 08/03/2019 23:11

M in law told me that my children and my husband are her family ...

And

Do I not want to be a part of her family ?!

Back story is that in laws MIL and FIL don’t like me and feel that they should have greater control over me and my OH and children .

We live a few hours away and used to visit once a fortnight but don’t anymore ( as often ).

They were taking photos of my children behind my back to put on social media ( which I dont want and had told them not to )

Take my children ( very young ) and try to seperate me from them ( my children ) when they visit.

Wanted to watch me breastfeed and wanted me to leave my bedroom door open when I stay over at theirs with my husband etc...

AIBU to feel totally stressed by them ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 19:53

Not twisted . Fact .

OP posts:
GustavoRocks · 09/03/2019 20:12

This is awful. You’re being treated horribly. The racism goes way beyond the usual mother in law crap.
I think the message here is clear. She thinks you should want to be a part of her family. However, it’s actually her who should want to be a part of yours.
For the first 9 years DH and I were together, it was all put downs and implications of not being quite good enough. Not being a ‘real’ part of MIL’s family. When our children appeared, she realised that it was in fact she who wanted to be part of our family but it was too late. Damage done.
Ride it out for the visit. Football finishes at 10.30. You will see them then. If they threaten not to come, so be it!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 20:14

Urgh my mil used to break her neck to sit next to me while I bf.
Creepy as fuck ime.

icarriedaturnip · 09/03/2019 20:15

My SMIL is like that with breastfeeding, thought I was the only one!. She said it’s because she’s never seen anyone breastfeed before and I didn’t breastfeed with my first three, but honestly nobody wants people looking at you when you breastfeed, especially someone you see once or twice a month!. If I was you I’d tell them exactly where to go

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2019 20:19

See, most of what you've posted indicates bizarre behaviour on their part.

But I can understand why they want to watch the football and I don't see the point of refusing.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 20:27

It’s just more that they kick off when their demands aren’t met.

Bearing in mind that we have continual sarcastic comments through the day when they / we do visit .. agression and basically trying to respect and meet our obligations to them as DHs parents , but that even when they are with us they can be very rude .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 20:28

The point in refusing is simply that they cannot make demands that we meet just because they are DHs parents !

They don’t even get on with DH and can go weeks without speaking with DH..

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 20:38

I’m not a bad person. I can see they felt insecure when their only child married me and that it bought out the worst in them.

But at the same time I’m of an age where I don’t want to feel like I owe them for marrying their son. I get that they feel insecure . I would never leave them wanting of anything in their old age or deny them seeing their grandchildren no matter what disrespect they show towards me ..

But do I really have to do exactly as they ask when they ask ..and do I really have to respect all of their wishes when , as the mother of their grandchildren , they racially abuse me and my family ?

Also , should I accept their demand when they make it clear that they consider me to have joined their family upon marrying their son, and that my children and my husband are actually their family ?

As a mother , when you know your MIL / FIL would never change a nappy or clean the vomit , why do I have to accept their authority and demands ?

What am I ? A maid who sold myself to their family upon marrying their son ? Am I working all week looking after my children onmgto be told by my OHs parents about what family my children belong to and that they are ‘ their family ‘ essentially telling me that everything I have built with my OH is somehow belonging to them ?

I don’t know about you all , but as a mother who goes through all the trials on a daily basis is it fair to have these demands placed by people who essentially disrespect you and claim more familial rights over your children than you have ?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 09/03/2019 20:47

Have you ever questioned them? Why do you want to watch me bf? Why have we to leave door open? Challenge their ridiculous behaviour.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 20:53

I should have but I suppose I didn’t have the guts . Simply refused to let them watch me breastfeed .

I’m not being funny but breastfeeding is hard enough with a newborn , the latch , sometimes having to squeeze the breast .

Why the FcK would you want to do all that in front of anyone forget the FIL who says ‘ don’t mind me ‘ and gets pissed off for being asked to leave the room ?!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/03/2019 21:33

If it were my parents I'd be happy for them to see my DS play football, however your inlaws are a pain in the rear and I can understand why you don't want them around.

Very weird that they...especially your FIL wanting to see you breastfeed. Rather pervy IMO.

The way they behave if I were in your position, I'd want my DH to take some time off work and be with them during the day.

I would also firmly shut down any racist comments as well and their unlikely to get any hospitality from me, without an apology for it.

I do find that in quite a number of relationships, men could very easily not bother with their parents that much and the wife often encourages it, yet the MIL is still unpleasant to the DIL.

This is the case with my Dsis. Her MIL is a PITA, and if NY Dsis was that way inclined, she could influence her DH to see less of his DM.

As it is he only wants to visit his DM, if my sis goes with him like your H.

A lot of these MILS should really think about this, in their treatment towards their DILS.

We don't see my PILS that often,
but if I could encourage DH to visit more.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 21:35

What is a PITA and a Dsis ? Sorry !

OP posts:
TheShuttle · 09/03/2019 21:50

PainInTheArse
DarlingSister

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 21:55

Thanks shuttle

OP posts:
Yesicancancan · 09/03/2019 21:57

I think there is resentment on both sides, some understandable from what you decribe.
Could you talk to your husband to decide together what issues are definitely not acceptable, the racism for example and you both challenge it.
When they want to spend time with the children, if there are no safety concerns why not let them, have some time with your dh, of course a nappy may need changing and then, from you say, they will decline, but you have offered. You have tried.
Family relationships are rarely easy, with a joint effort from you and your dh could it possible to slowly slowly start to work arrangements that are tolerable, enjoyed even in the long term.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 22:19

why would I want to allow people who racially abuse me to have time alone with my children? Just because they believe I should ?

OP posts:
Yesicancancan · 09/03/2019 22:24

Just a suggestion. Sounds like your mind is made up.
I am from an ethnic group that receives a lot of racism, hatred even, but I see it as my duty to challenge people, I hope you stand up for yourself.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 22:35

I suppose I don’t want to face up to it .

I have children who are mixed race and it breaks my heart to have to face up to the fact that my own extended family ( in laws ) don’t see behind my skin colour / culture.

Especially because I don’t see people as black or white , I don’t think about it or care about it . It’s just the person I see ..

That’s how I came to marry their son

OP posts:
PinaColada1 · 09/03/2019 22:35

@sausageandmash PinaColada you are too nice saying they can see your DS if they see you, I don’t go that far, if I did they’d come round and just ignore me grin. yes that used to happen, they’d ignore me completely! Now they haven’t visited in 2 years.

MumUnderTheMoon · 09/03/2019 22:36

If they racially abuse you then why bother with them at all? They don't speak to your dh (their own son), they are racists and you have children who are mixed race. In your position I just wouldn't see them at all. My feeling is that your family should treat you better than a stranger would. Would you have your kids spend time with a racist they weren't related to? Of course not. Why not just make life easier for you all and stop the visits altogether your dh doesn't sound like he is that excited to see them but he could go alone if he felt he had to. Though as far as I'm concerned no one should have to spend time with people who don't enrich their lives in any way.

PinaColada1 · 09/03/2019 22:38

OP I’d see every time they kick off as a good sign. It means you’ve made a boundary. What can they do? They can kick off as much as they want, it won’t change anything. You just set your boundaries, and ignore.

justasking111 · 09/03/2019 22:40

This is so sad, they only had one child a son, they would have gained a whole loving family if they had been loving and respectful. I cannot understand how some parents can be like this.

Motoko · 09/03/2019 22:57

I agree with MumUnderTheMoon, why not just stop seeing them? I wouldn't want my kids spending time with grandparents like that.

It's their own fault if they lose contact with their only child.

Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 23:11

Sorry just to be clear .

While they have not spoken to DH for weeks / months , it varies so it kind of depends on what they want him to do .

Tends to be that if DH hasn’t done what they want then they ignore him for a few weeks / months ..

It’s almost feels like they bully him

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweety1981 · 09/03/2019 23:11

But they always end up being in contact again, though I know that some times DH avoids their calls .

OP posts: