To ask for what to feed unwanted guests?

[MaryPopppins]

We have a couple coming over on Sunday for lunch.

I don't want either of them here. Nor does DH.

But it's unavoidable. So it's happening. So no "just don't have them" comments please as that's a whole other drama.

Anyway. In the past (when we enjoyed their company) I've cooked various things, roasts, lasagne, buffet type bread/cheese/salad etc.

Well. They're all too much effort for me to go to for them now. Jacket potatoes maybe.

What's the easiest group meal I can throw out. That will feed us, but not make the kitchen and loads of crockery dirty please?

Maybe a big bowl of pasta and a salad?

A big standard sandwich.. Don't cook.
. Marmite or something.

Depends how unwelcome.

Either the chickpea curry suggested or arsenic.

Do they know they're not welcome, and why? If so, I'd go the other way. Do something really nice. Shame them into never coming back.

Placemarking.

Think we need the backstory to help with suggestions

Get finger foods from Tesco and burgers in buns.

If it's raining,have the BBQ equipment out on the back yard,then say. oh dam it,that's put paid to the meal now, will have to have Ryvita and cheese triangles now.

Get some really high end/expensive takeaway/supermarket ready meals.

Add some extra nice flavouring for your guests, for example someone talked about some particular brussels sprouts ... (remember to consider your guests, these extras are for them, not you. You will unfortunately have to deprive yourselves and not add anything to improve your portions).

Serve up on plates in advance, leave the containers on view, explain that you unfortunately didn't have time to cook a meal but you have purchased these lovely dishes for everyone's enjoyment ...

If your guests don't enjoy their meal, well that's hardly your fault.
You went out and bought the best your money could buy ...

A flabby quiche - dont heat it up
A salad with iceberg lettuce, baby tomatoes that are not halved, 1 per person. A slice of cucumber each and raw sliced onions on the top for garnish
A slice of bread with marg to spread on it
Warm ish tap water to drink from slightly grotty glasses
Have some piles of stuff on the end of the table so everyone has to squeeze in a bit to sit down, and just say, sorry i was in the middle of sorting out xyz and cant really stop mid way through

Can't you feign sickness on the morning?

What a really unpleasant situation for you and them. Why don’t you say dh has got norovirus instead?

So you used to like them but don't anymore

I'd just like to point out that a few of these meals sound like what I routinely happily feed myself mind you I am vegan and so my mind has already been warped.

Tell us what they've done to offend you, op!!

Is it Mr and Mrs May? Or Corbyn?

Buy it in and make minimal effort

Get some frozen pizzas, some microchips, some bags of salad. Stick it all on the table.

Or pasta bake / macaroni cheese made with a jar and no meat or veg in.

Put yoghurts & the fruit bowl on the table for dessert.

Paste sandwiches. Make them today and leave them out.
Followed by a small pot of warm, out of date yogurt each

Make a gorgeous Sunday lunch, then feign forgetfulness that they were coming so you didn't make enough and rush out to the supermarket for 2 of those ready-made roast dinners (if they still make them? Going to have to check in Tesco later). Bonus points if you serve it on the plastic tray. Oh and a bottle of expensive wine for you and DH and a can of cooking wine each for them. With a straw.

It's Lent, so definitely go vegan! No egg, butter or other dairy, no meat...

That still leaves loads, and the vegan recipes on this thread dound lovely (remember, you will have to eat it, too!).

I do also really like the suggestions of a ready meal or slightly-too-short spaghetti (whoever suggested that was just an evil genius!)

I would go with chilli and rice as done right it can be a mexican feast with all the side dishes and if your guests moan about it to anyone else it won't be clear what you served.

As for the chilli you can use value mince and bulk it out with oats, lentils and vegetables so there is hardly any meat in their portion but it's certainly not vegetarian. Serve with cheap shredded cheddar and value tortilla chips if you are feeling generous.

Ready made pasta bake, which are always awful imo. No bloody salad though, it has no place with any pasta dish as any Italian will tell you.

Can someone explain the dishing up in kitchen being rude/not rude vs the table? What am I missing?

Shop bought quiche, chicken, prepared salad, prepared pasta salad and couscous. Loaf of nice bread and butter. No work involved and reasonably edible.

This is utterly bizarre.

I agree with a PP, what an unpleasant situation for them and for you.

Trying to thing of awful food to serve to guests in petty and childish.

How has this happened? Why the obligation? Are they your guests/friends/relatives or your OHs?

You would be best thinking of an excuse and calling off if you can't deal with the situation.

I can't imagine having unwanted guests over for a meal.

Life is too short to go through this type of situation.

Tell them you've all got a vomiting bug. Life is indeed too short.