To ask for what to feed unwanted guests?

[MaryPopppins]

We have a couple coming over on Sunday for lunch.

I don't want either of them here. Nor does DH.

But it's unavoidable. So it's happening. So no "just don't have them" comments please as that's a whole other drama.

Anyway. In the past (when we enjoyed their company) I've cooked various things, roasts, lasagne, buffet type bread/cheese/salad etc.

Well. They're all too much effort for me to go to for them now. Jacket potatoes maybe.

What's the easiest group meal I can throw out. That will feed us, but not make the kitchen and loads of crockery dirty please?

Maybe a big bowl of pasta and a salad?

Who are they?

I was once a guest and was given this: cheap fat burger rolls with cheap margarine, cheap wafer thin turkey and cheap salad from a bag(the sort with pale flaccid lettuce with no rocket in it type of thing), no dressing or any form of unguent to save it.
Pudding was Wagon Wheels and cups of tea with those sort of cheap tea bags that taste of dust.
I bet someone on here would actually like what I just described, but it was rank and miserable.

Where are you OP? Tell us the back story! Pretty please! Are they MIL and FIL by any chance?

Agree with spag bol. Failing that, a tin of 'big soup' each, with a slice of bread and butter!! (Only joking).

Prawns in milk?

Order some pizza tonight and serve the leftovers cold from the fridge tomorrow.

Or just pick up one of those roasted chickens, a salad bag and loaf of tiger bread (that’s probably too good for them) and put in middle and say serve yourself

1970s ham salad. Flabby lettuce, sliced pale tomatoes, slightly old cucumber, vinegary dollop of cheapo coleslaw, halved banana wrapped in value ham, too much beetroot. Call it a Wiltshire Ploughman’s. Serve with squash and sliced white bread. Fruit bowl for pudding.

When someone over-stayed their welcome here I made things like garlic bread with a can of chilli or frozen cheese pizza.

Some of those new vegan 'sausage' rolls from Greggs.

Oh, and liberally sprinkle flour in your hair (rub it in near the roots) and shake your head vigorously as you dash around, eager to be the perfect hostess, right next to the food. Don't forget to deep-rotavate all of your pot plants with your trusty 'hand trowels' as they arrive.

Huge tub of Celebrations with only the Bounties left in it.

Couple of "naice" pizzas and salad. (ie bag of ready prepared rocket and cherry tomatoes).

Since OP won't enlighten us, shall I start?

It has to be relatives. I can't think of a reason why one would have to entertain non-relatives one doesn't like. And if they have to entertain them, it's because of pressure from another relative.

I'm guessing an aunt and uncle. And pressure from either OP's parents or the iLs.

OP - don't be a thread tease! Fill us in on the drama too!

I'd do a chili and some baked potatoes or garlic bead

One of those terribly sad vegan nut loaves, just a bit overdone so it's dry, with flaccid broccoli. Tell them you're doing a vegan challenge at home nowadays. Spotty bananas for pudding.

Liver and onions.
They won't come back!!

Served with a naice Chianti....

Ooo, someone once served me tinned tuna mixed with mayo and ketchup. I have never felt so ill. Try that!

A delicious Scandinavian salmon dish - already individually plated up in the kitchen.

So easy to feign naive innocence if they later complain and suddenly make a run for it - there was a big smudge in the recipe book which made 'gravadlax' look exactly like 'Dulcolax'.

When the inevitable happens and they sheepishly ask if you have a toilet brush, just open the dishwasher and Voila!

Dairylea butties and pop tarts for dessert.

I hate hosting for anyone as have OCD and struggle with guests so I can't imagine hosting for people that I don't even like.

Or arsenic soup?....

Something very wind inducing to make them leave... broccoli soup,followed by chilli with lots of beans and a massive cauliflower cheese side with peas, then a prunes / date based desert. They’ll be running back up your drive!!

Easy & tasty - bags 4 min pasta, strip a precooked rotisserie chicken, mix together with cooked peas & stir few spoons Philadelphia cheese & pesto sauce- yum & 1 pan to wash

It's one of those competitions, isn't it? Month-long 5* holiday in Barbados for the 1st prize, Kia C'eed for the 2nd prize, 50 x 3rd prize iPads and then loads of rubbish prizes that nobody wants to win but is far too polite to decline when they inevitably do.

"An amazing exclusive, money-can't-buy chance to share a meal and an evening with two of 2014's Love Island contestants - IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!!"

I don't wish to boast, but.... I'm right, aren't I?

OP get back here and fill us in. You can't start something like that and not tell us the whole story. Are you afraid they are on MN and will recognise some of these delicious recipes .

Hot dogs in rolls

Dry toast. Pretend you’ve all been illl.

Or gone vegan

A packet of Rich Tea biscuits and a glass of tap water each.