Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

I’m a step mum, and my DSS lives with me full time. I wouldn’t have got together with his DH if I hadn’t wanted children. I’m lucky because he’s lovely, I didn’t have to deal with any real clashes, I can imagine some step parents do have problems and should be able to at least vent on here on the odd occasion. Most of the step parents I know are fabulous with their children, some are better than the biological parents!

@HomeMadeMadness ... your right.

Due to this post I have actually texted SD and asked if she wanted grab a movie during the week. So something positive has come out of this for me. Reflection is good!

taco have u nothing better to do than follow me from post to post picking faults?

I'll add my twopenneth.
Some step parents are great. My dp is a better dad to my dcs than their biological father.
A lot of men think with their dicks and so the new woman is great for them but not necessarily for the dc.
It's expensive to live alone and very expensive to buy a house big enough to accommodate dc, so a lot of men move in with the new woman, in HER home.
It's HER home, her rules.
A lot of men have no spine when dealing with their own dc and the new woman.
It's a myth that all women love all children, they really, really dont.
It's the fathers responsibility to care for his dc, not the step mums.
Why send your dc to such a shit place, seriously when the dc reach a certain age, let them decide and guide them appropriately.
Likewise why as an adult bother to visit and adult if they treat you like this?
Why are grown women visiting their dads and step mums when they treat them like this? I don't understand it.
Tell your father that he sees you alone or not at all. You are facilitating this.

I agree with the op.
The creature that my ex h is married to is vile.
Totally controlling but he is responsible for his own actions.
She has managed to drive a wedge between our dc and their dad.
It is her fault, she cannot bare for our dc to be alone with their dad but hey ho he has to live with himself.

Most of the step parents I know are fabulous with their children, some are better than the biological parents!

My XH and I used to joke that our DCs preferred their step parents to their biological parents! My DCs were blessed with a wonderful step mum, and they both have a great relationship with DH.

Step parenting is not a role I could have taken. I was involved with someone who was the love of my life (until I met DH), but it was becoming obvious that had we married, my DCs would always be second best to his- and his were very demanding. I had to walk away.

taco have u nothing better to do than follow me from post to post picking faults

If anybody else had posted the same thing I would have replied. It just happened to be you that posted it. It's interesting that you chose to tell me I'm following you instead of actually responding to my posts.

Is responding to a post picking faults now? Isn't that what a discussion consists of? This is a discussion forum. If you don't want people to disagree with your posts then don't post.

@cookingwine

Sounds like you're a great step parent. I think parenting can be incredibly difficult and step parenting doubly so. Just to be clear I didn't mean to imply that every step parent who has a difficult time with their step DC is somehow in the wrong just that the tiny minority who really can't be arsed at all!

My best friend says she was a total nightmare to her step mum from the ages of 11 till she went to uni but now is closer to her than her bio mum.

I also admire people who have the balls to not want to date parents.
Fair play to them, at least they are honest!

Whats to respond to? You asked a nasty rhetorical question designed to belittle me.

There's a difference though in taking a step back as a step parent and making it blatantly obvious that you despise your partner's kids, and always always inteferring between your partner and his dcs.
Insisting that they can't spend any time with him alone, insisting that he doesn't have them in the car, insisting that they are never taken anywhere but your own children are. Insisting that family money is not spent on them whilst insisting g that family money is spent on your dc.
Resenting your dp paying anything what so ever towards his d c whilst ensuring you get every single penny you can from your exs.
Not feeding your partner's dc.
Ringing your partner's dc and slating them when they decide enough is enough and stop engaging with you.
The list is endless.

I have a really nice step mum. She got with my dad a year or so after my mum died who he was still with when she died. She has always been nice and has included us as much as her own children. She has more money than my dad, although he hasn't done bad for himself at all but she she wants to share all money equally between her children and my dad's children when the time comes. It's not all about money at all, as she treats my children the same as her other grandchildren. So I am lucky, even if I do wish my mum was still about.

Whats to respond to? You asked a nasty rhetorical question designed to belittle me.

It's nasty to ask a rhetorical question now?

My point was that it's ridiculous to compare step mums with minorities as if they suffer oppression. That's actually quite fucking insulting to suggest that step mums are a minority that can be compared to black people, Muslims, disabled people, lesbians, etc as if step mums face any kind of oppression anywhere near the same level.

There are as many more reasons blended families break down and become dysfunctional than first families. Most of the stepmothers I know started off thinking it would be fine and they genuinely liked the kids. Years of fighting over money and bickering with the ex erode the relationship. The kids have issues and the dad resorts to either Disney dad or is just absent. All of this builds resentment in the stepmother who eventually decides to take a step back. But it's very very hard to take a measured step back and not step back too far. It's not an easy gig and no one has a crystal ball to see what years of struggle will do to you.

Suggesting that step mums are a minority and can be compared to other minorities is very at least we both agree on something.

In terms of mumsnet theyre a minority and a badly treated one. In real life people arent such twats.

I had two step dads who clearly hated me. I'm sure it's why since splitting with my own DCs father the thought of ever having another relationships makes me run a mile because I don't ever want to put them though what I was put through

In terms of mumsnet theyre a minority and a badly treated one. In real life people arent such twats.

ok. Stepmums are an oppressed minority on mumsnet that can be compared to other minorities. Yes I too am glad that people aren't such twats in real life.

@HomeMadeMadness ... no, you didn't upset me. The post came at the right time, reflection is good. Being a SM is very difficult and testing at times. I have so much love but sometimes I do feel like I am not appreciated, but I guess that's life. So after arranging the movie via text I phoned SD and we decided to make a day of it. I came off the phone happy, because I knew SD was happy, maybe going out of my way a little more will make SD happier and make our family home happier too. After all that's all I want ... a happy life.

I certainly don't want to be reading a post from my SD when she is a grown woman saying she didn't feel love by me. Hopefully any SM will feel the same.

My dads second wife was a pretty decent step parent (not the best mother as it turns out) but we wouldn't have maintained a relationship with our dad without her. His 3rd wife is a different story and my dad only really talks to one sibling of mine out of 5. Two other siblings haven't officially fallen out but don't really talk. He hasn't spoken to me in nearly 10 years and another sibling for much longer. While a lot of this is led by step mum ultimately we are his children and it's up to him to foster relationships with us.

At the end of the day if you allow your children to be treated this way then you are an unfit parent.
But I've already posted as to why men often fall into this pattern.
Lots of dreadful fathers around, hence the need for cms. And yes there are some terrible mothers but in reality the bulk of childcare and donkey work falls to women.
I've said it before, if the rp behaved in the same way as a lot of nrp do, they would be in prison for abuse or neglect.

@whoevenami I can imagine my DS writing your post word for word in 20 years and it breaks my heart 💔 Everyday i ask myself how Could I have done this to him

At the end of the day if you allow your children to be treated this way then you are an unfit parent

Yes... but don’t do many married dads do the same and nobody judges their wives or call them unfit mothers. We just say that they are some sort of heroes married to “workaholics”.

I was an inconvenience to my step father. Until I got breasts. Then he wanted to know me, a little too well. There is nothing worse than feeling unloved and unwanted. I'm a step mother and no matter what, I do my best to make sure the kids know they are wanted.

It's different when your parents are still together though Notsure.
In the scenario you describe at least one of your parents is caring for you and doing a great job. The other might be out most of the time but at least you feel loved and wanted.
I get what you are saying though. Once you split the failings in the 'rubbish' parent are highlighted.
I'm just saying that as a parent you have a duty to care for your child whether you are the rp or the nrp. You should not let a new partner jeopardise your child's wellbeing.