Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

@whoevenami - great about your Step Dad.....at least he is a blessing :)

@flamingofridays Everybody is allowed an opinion but you're telling me the moral compass of my post. Unfortunately for you, I'm the only person who knows that and I'm telling you point blank period that this is not a "step parent bashing" thread.

Your opinion on whether it is or isn't is kind of irrelevant after that. Multiple people have pointed out that this isn't bashing step parents it's simply bashing shit ones (as in actually shit not just because they don't like the way they dress/speak etc). I cannnnnnnnnooootttttt understand any point you make because to me you just come across as way too defensive as a Step Mum. If you have no issues with your own DSC, you wouldn't take offense to people sharing their experiences with their shit step parent????????

Oh no op, your dad was to blame for this, he did not have your back, and did not care. Do you have a relationship with your dad now? I bloody woulden't.

@flamingofridays "posts like this make it 100x worse" where has anybody insulted a step parents just for being a step parent? Over 100 comments and I'm yet to come across this. Strange.

YANBU
I have had a few step parents and it would have been better for everyone if they had walked away when they realised they could not do it.
If I had to choose who I blamed the most - biological or step parent - I would find it difficult. My parents have their reasons for staying with their partners.
When you have horrible step parents and weak biological parents you realise that you don't matter much to anyone. That's hard when you are 5 years old, and still hard when you are 45.

The first time I wrote on MN (under a different username) that I wouldn't want to date a man with children, I was flamed for being so horrible. You can't win here.

I could never love someone elses children as my own and I would resent the time and effort that they would take away from me/my future children. Me becoming a stepmum would make both me and the children unhappy, so I turned down some lovely men. I can't change my feelings about it and I wish that more people would be more realistic instead of going through with it and fucking up everyone's lives.

put down your armchair psychology textbook whoevenami

• there is no point replying to you as you clearly only give a shit about your own POV and experiences, and because I disagree with you I must have issues of my own. hahahaha.

@grinningcheshirecat I completely admire you for this! I'm sorry you have experienced backlash for being honest! I don't understand at all how you could be flamed for it?!

Good for you.

I can see this from both sides. My step mother was a nasty piece of work. She broke up my parents marriage then tried to cut us out of our dads life. He was as much to blame, he was weak and lets just say he didn't think with his brain for the whole of their marriage. She ended up leaving him for another married man an no doubt did the same to him!
My stepdad is wonderful. He has been in my life for 30 odd years and he is as much a of dad to me (if not more) than my own dad was.
Now I am stepmum to two teenagers. I won't lie, I have struggled over the years as my DH was the typical Disney dad and they had no boundaries at first. Also his ex has been a complete cow over the years too. But we stuck at it and I have never ever made them feel unwanted.

If I had my time again I don't honestly think I would be a step parent. Much as I love DH and the stepkids now it was a long hard road to get here and I feel like my own children have suffered a little from the focus of our attention often being on the steps and the fact that I have had little time with them both on their own. We went from a two child family to a four child family quite quickly and I can see how easily resentment can build up but I chose to be with a man with kids and always had the choice to stay or go.

@flamingofridays Um, yeah, that must be it...?!

You don't need a psychology degree (or even a textbook) to see how sensitive you are to the situation! Do you read ANY of the comments? I've been completely understanding! But because I can't see YOUR (one person) point of view... I only give a shit about my own point of view

Either talk some sense or just leave...

of course I am sensitive to it because I have had to put up with this bullshit for YEARS. Years of trying to be a decent person and you still cant do anything right.
Yes, there are genuinely shit step parents, but some will be trying their best and still be deemed shit by some people.

You don't want to see my point of view, because that would mean recognising why some people might find this thread offensive.

I'm sure if DPs ex was on mumsnet she would be ranting and raving about how awful I am, except its all bullshit. I'm sure a percentage of these responses will be unfair too, and it would be interesting to hear both sides of the story.

You have just invited people to have a big group bitch about women which I think actually, is insensitive at best no matter what the subject!

You think because I am sensitive there must be something wrong in my private life, that's just ignorant.

@grinningcheshirecat I said exactly the same upthread...you're not alone. I know I'd be able to get on with the children in small doses but would never want to live with / take care of / be responsible for someone else's children.
I have a friend who has had relationships with guys with children or teenagers. It always starts off with her saying how cute and nice they are, then over time she resents the man spending time with them instead of her. I've advised her to try to find a man without ties, but she falls into the same pattern every time. I feel sorry for any child that would end up with her as a stepmother - she just wouldn't be able to put them first.

Another vote for blaming your dad. He is responsible for ALL of this

Absolutely not. The step mother needs to take responsibility for her part in this situation. It’s not reasonable to treat children like this just as much as it’s not acceptable to stand by and pretend it’s not happening.

I disagree. The minute and I mean the minute he saw his gf was treating his kids as an inconvenience he should have told her straight that her behaviour was not acceptable and if she was not happy she could hit the road.

She clearly was not a nice person but she came into the relationship with a clear agenda and it was carried it out without being stopped or her being jilted when it first appeared.

I think you are right OP, but I also think the same rule should apply across the board to biological mums and dads, adoptive parents, foster parents - the whole spectrum.
If you aren’t prepared to do your best by the kids who will be in your care, practically, financially, emotionally etc. you just should not be making, adopting or otherwise taking responsibility for those children. This requires an honest conversation with yourself BEFORE the event.
I would kill for my DSD, and I hope when she is grown up she looks back and knows it.

flamingofridays You have just invited people to have a big group bitch about women which I think actually, is insensitive at best no matter what the subject!

Please see the last line of my original post "Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?" Accusing me of inviting people to have a bitch about women...how?

If somebody tells me "my step parent has been awful to me because..." and it's sounds like a credible reason, why would I assume it's bullshit? Yeah ok you're right in saying that I'm sure some people will have had things said about them which are untrue but you could say that about ANY post on Mumsnet! There's always 2 sides to every story and that applies to threads about MILs, BILs, SILs, SP, DD, DS, DM, DF, DH, DP... anybody!

This is a post about people's experiences of when their step parent treated them unfairly. I'm going to believe that when people post they're being honest otherwise what's the point in posting?!

flamingo, a number of posters have said that they had fantastic step-parents so clearly this isn't claiming that all step-parents are shit. But so are. And its okay to say that too. If anything, decent step-parents should be distancing themselves from the shit ones, not sticking with them simply because they are all step-parents.

Personally, I had one wonderful step-parent and one shit one. I also know I'd never be any good at it, so I wouldn't even date a man with children.

Buts some are, not but so far. FFS!

@flamingofridays I could completely understand if they were perhaps meaningless (although what is classed as meaningless?) posts etc but everybody who has shared an experience has a genuine reason so I just don't understand how that's offensive?

Similarly if there was a thread just bashing step parents simply for being step parents then I'd understand 100% your annoyance but this post clearly is about step mums or dads who have UNREASONABLY been unfair and vile towards their step children.

If anything, decent step-parents should be distancing themselves from the shit ones, not sticking with them simply because they are all step-parents

i'm really not "sticking with" shit step parents, im saying I don't like this thread. There is a difference.

Interesting thread I remember I had a huge crush on a guy who had 2 daughters one was about 9 but she was so rude and disrespectful towards me it put me off going out with her father so when he asked me out I turned him down. I very much believe you have step children they're like your own especially if you get married. You should go in there with absolute commitment. It's harder if children are suffering the effects of a break up and the mother might be understandably upset at a new woman on the scene. This guy now has a much younger girlfriend, I suspect there is a lot of step parents who do not anticipate the potential problems,

I often feel on here that women can be hostile to anyone not in their nuclear family group. MILS, SILS and ex's partners come in for a lot of hostility. Men are much more inclined to live and let live.
There is hostility towards men who are in anyway unfriendly to their own family, but according to MN, they are spineless if they don't 100% support their wives over their in laws and or children from a previous relationship.

i'm really not "sticking with" shit step parents, im saying I don't like this thread. There is a difference.

There’s a difference between saying you don’t like the thread and saying the thread shouldn’t exist.

How much blame should your mother take though? My DP dotes on his children and I as the step parent want to include them as much as possible, but their mother puts every obstacle possible in the way of that, so there are times when we can't include them because she won't let us.

It isn't always the step parent OR the non-resident parent's fault. Sometimes it is the actual mother who is at fault.

I think you are right OP, but I also think the same rule should apply across the board to biological mums and dads, adoptive parents, foster parents - the whole spectrum.
If you aren’t prepared to do your best by the kids who will be in your care, practically, financially, emotionally etc. you just should not be making, adopting or otherwise taking responsibility for those children. This requires an honest conversation with yourself BEFORE the event .

^

This. Which is why I think Flamingo does sort of have a point. MN is full of people with shit biological parents so why focus on step parents?

We have been so lucky. We blended a family of 5 teens in my house. They all mucked in together and shared everything. Re rooms...originally I did the big spare room for my two dss. My ds and dd had always had small rooms.
One day we came hom to find the boys had decided to shoehorn a bunk bed and a single bed into ds’s tiny room and make the big spare room into a teen sitting room with the sofa bed for guests. We called the boys room Cell Block H!
They are still pals 31 years later. I love all the grandchildren equally. No steps here.