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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

228 replies

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 10:32

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

OP posts:

lisamac28 · 08/03/2019 13:05

There are so many stepmums on here who clearly resent their partner's children, but when challenged they trot out the old "Mumsnet hates second wives!" trope

FFS What a pile of shit-stirring nonsense. Why did you feel the need to say this?

FaFoutis · 08/03/2019 13:05

Step parents have a choice.

Original poster

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:05

@Waspnest I understand what you're saying and I'm sure you'll find plenty of posts about biological ones! I chose to post about my Step Mum. Maybe next time I'll post about my Dad's side of it!

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 08/03/2019 13:05

I don't like the thread, and I don't think it should exist, I think its pretty clear why it was started and which thread inspired it.

Obviously its not up to me though, is it.

I still have every right to think this thread is nasty.

clairemcnam · 08/03/2019 13:08

Yes there are some awful stepmums and stepdads around.
But I have some sympathy for non resident stepmums who do not want to take on all the childcare when the child stays with them. Some dads basically try and pass all the childcare responsibilities on to the stepmum when it is their job to look after their kid when they are with them.

Original poster

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:08

@flamingofridays Can I ask you why you think it's nasty though?

OP posts:

Boxerbinky · 08/03/2019 13:08

@thegreylady that is lovely.. my dad is stepdad to my two older sisters. Though their father is still alive and they have a good relationship with him. They definitely consider my dad family too as do their kids. No steps or half's here either

Bagpuss5 · 08/03/2019 13:08

A better thread title would be-

Why do men father children they are too lazy/ selfish to love and nurture.

Clarl · 08/03/2019 13:08

It’s too complicated for me to understand. I have step-parents and even step-grandparents with a mix of good/bad relationships. There must be a lot of psychology behind it and I believe people genuinely don’t know what they’re getting themselves into.

flamingofridays · 08/03/2019 13:09

I have explained several times why I think its nasty already.

Original poster

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:10

@flamingofridays You've said that it bashes step parents in general, which it doesn't. So now what is it you find nasty?

OP posts:

JustTwoMoreSecs · 08/03/2019 13:13

My Dad is equally to blame for this No, he is more to blame.

My take on this is that it is easy to say to the SP «you know he/she had kids, don’t get in a relationship if you are not prepared to take them in». But at the end they are not the SP’s children, and he/she is allowed to get in a relationship with another adult without considering the DC - that is for their parent to do.
For example, would you say to someone they HAVE to care for their partner’s ill parents? And shouldn’t date them if they are not prepared to do it?

Original poster

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:15

@JustTwoMoreSecs I agree with you as in it's not a step parents job to take the children on as their own etc etc but if you have an issue with those children being around I really don't see how it's acceptable to make the children feel so unloved and left out? It may not be a step parent's job to be the DSC's parent but it just seems ridiculous to get into a relationship with someone who has children and you don't want them around.

But you are right, in my circumstance my Dad he more to blame.

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 08/03/2019 13:16

well I believe that I incites hate towards step parents. Whether you think that or not is irrelevant, that's why I think its nasty.

Original poster

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:17

@flamingosfridays Even though so many people have praised their step parents? I don't think you're ever going to like this thread - which is fine - I just don't get why you waste your own time commenting on it!

OP posts:

SherlockSays · 08/03/2019 13:17

My 'step-mum' openly told my dad that she didn't want any involvement in his 4 children's lives and he accepted that, so he has to accept that we don't get actively involved in his. I don't know how either of them sleep at night to be honest - nothing or no one would take me away from DD.

We see him once a year, if that. Luckily, we were all grown when he met her although it has caused lasting effects on my youngest brother who was 16 at the time.

They're very involved in her son's life though - he's currently at university in the city where we all live and they come up for the weekend to see him but not us.

SherlockSays · 08/03/2019 13:19

To add to my post.. I have a great stepfather and DH has an AMAZING stepfather, who was the best man at our wedding.

flamingofridays · 08/03/2019 13:19

yes, even though so many people have praised their step parents. You didn't create this thread for people to praise their step parents, you created it so they could have a go about them...

If you are so frustrated by my responses then stop asking me questions!

JustTwoMoreSecs · 08/03/2019 13:20

Yes I agree whoevenami having an issue with them being around is another level, and someone must be a bit stupid if they can move in with someone with DC but then resent the fact that they are there / exclude them.

LittlePaintBox · 08/03/2019 13:20

Not talking about your situation, OP, but I do know of cases where the residential parent has made it quite hard for the step-parent/step-child relationship to develop naturally, for whatever reason. I think sometimes it's easier to back off than to live with a permanent conflict.

Hotterthanahotthing · 08/03/2019 13:22

I would actually lay all the blame on your father.He should have seen the way you were treated from the start and either got her to change how she behaved or not moved in with her.

TRULYNEWME2019 · 08/03/2019 13:23

Being a step parent is hard. You get the blame whatever you do. I have a 19 year old step child who has currently moved out to go to university. He has lived with me and his dad full time since he was 7 (seeing his mum every other weekend when younger). At first I involved myself in everything- helping with homework, buying presents, toys etc. I started pulling away when he was around 9 or 10 as I got tired of his attitude, which would get worse following a visit to his mother. He would come downstairs in the morning and completely blank me and only say hello to his dad. Would only be interested in talking to me when he wanted something from me. I stopped spending my money on him (we have separate finances). He was barely speaking to me by the time he went to university. He would shut himself in his room all day long until his dad gets home.

He doesn’t show much interest in his siblings which is heartbreaking especially as one of them idolises him. He keeps on wanting to join family holidays though and I keep thinking why! (I know the reason though- his own mother has never taken him on holiday). I pay for holidays as I love them. I have resented him joining but I bit my lip and plastered a smile on my face. Mood in the house is way much nicer without him around as my husband is much more relaxed when his son is not around.

I know this makes me sound horrible but I did try but gave up as whatever I did was never good enough.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 08/03/2019 13:24

Bookmarking to come back to it later...

lisamac28 · 08/03/2019 13:25

She also refused to learn how to give my DD her epipen as it was ‘nothing to do with her’

Did you continue to send your DD there after she said this?

cuppycakey · 08/03/2019 13:27

I really think your anger would be better directed at your totally culpable and pathetic father.

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