Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

@flamingofridays - i'm 100% with you on the comments below

not understanding women or men who enter these relationships if they don't want the children there!

I think a lot of women genuinely don't know what they're getting themselves into, don't realise how hard it will be, what problems they will face, what kind of strain it will put on their relationship. I could go on.

I think as well when the problems start emerging, a lot of women feel they are "in too deep" to leave, or they have their own children with the husband.

Its easy to say well if you don't like it leave, but when the kids are with you part time, and the rest of your life is great you put up with it, and no maybe you're not the perfect step parent (because that doesn't exist) but you deal with it. Or you don't deal with it and you become resentful.

Its actually really easy for me to see how it happens, i'm not at all saying it should happen, or that its acceptable, but I can understand how and why it does.

I agree with the OP. There are billions of people in this world. It is quite easy to find a relationship where kids arent already involved. I have a step mum and she is brilliant. She treated us well when we were little and treats ny half sister exactly the same as me and my siblings.

But if that isn't in you, dont do it! I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who has kids, so I dont. Children should always come first.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 yes, exactly. I had so many good intentions but in the end I accepted it wasn’t meant to be. Such a shame. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had moments when SS and I would get brilliantly and the next minute he’d pretend I didn’t exist.

I remember one time his dad couldn’t give him a lift somewhere. He said ‘can’t she take me?’ I was in the room! He clearly wished I didn’t exist. So sometimes it’s the other way around. It’s not just some step parents who wish you their step children away. Yes step parents chose to get involved with some who has children but how much should they put up with until they give up and detach.

Sorry to derail your thread OP. I’m sure you were pleasant enough to your step mother. I feel for you. I grew up with a step mother myself. She was ok.

I’m a step parent although mine are grown up now
But I wouldn’t have married their dad if he wasn’t such an awesome parent. He’s been a fantastic father to my own child .
He wasn’t a pushover with his ex wife which I liked and I think he has a better relationship with his kids than she does now , he sees them every week for breakfast or brunch and they are mid twenties with families of their own 😂 but breakfast with dad is rarely missed

I never was a stepmom as such in that they’ve lived with us but I get on with them just fine I have my own grownup child now my step kids & my own kid were pretty much the same age which helped in some ways as they were all into the same stuff .

With regard to holidays I would often take my son away on my own or with my nieces and my DH would go with his kids
We have had a few holidays where we all went together
they also went with there mum and her partner and me and DH went with my son and not his two boys a few times

Because we all managed to act like grown ups and didn’t mind doing stuff on our own or together we never had a problem

Neither of my two SS are traumatised because their dad and wife went on holiday with her child and not them once or twice because we always explained why and they got a holiday with their dad on their own later in the year

Also I think a lot of men are quite weak in situations like this
I would probably say Pussy whipped by the new girlfriends and often thinking with their Dick rather than their head
But if they can do that to the own flesh and blood then I wonder what they can do to the new girlfriend in years to come
My sons father left me for the other women when I was 8 months pregnant
They took great delight in adopting her son because it meant my maintenance went down and when they had their first child together my maintenance was reduced to 0
Fast forward 15 years and he has done the same to her left her with 2 teens once with severe learning difficulties and they were living abroad he tricked her into coming back to the UK and then when she wasn’t back here told her it was over and he was going back abroad

Within weeks the ow appeared and he married his next other woman and had a baby with her at age 51

I take huge pleasure when I see her on occasions and I’m with my very hunky DH of twenty years and were in our flash car ( childish but it feels very satisfying)

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children.

Thank you for that. I will certainly be looking for someone without children

I had a step mum who never even allowed me and my brother in her (and my dads) house, wasnt allowed to meet my 2 half siblings, i met them for the first time age 14, them, 14 and 12 when my dad split from her. She was pure evil.

My 3 boys now have a step mum, their dad and her actually got married today, the boys wernt invited (her wishes)

You don't have a step mum problem OP you have a dad problem. It's your own flesh and blood who has invited this woman into your lives and allowed this.
It's a disgrace how so many people choose a new partner over their kids. Not just men, women do it too. As a single parent I cannot imagine prioritising a man over my kids.

I take huge pleasure when I see her on occasions and I’m with my very hunky DH of twenty years and were in our flash car

it should be him you're angry with not her.

It's a shame what you have been through OP and I do feel for you, but let's not forget there are loads of great step-parents out there who have been more close to their step-children than their real parents and have raised them as their own. My OH calls his step-dad his dad, as his real dad is useless and same with my brother and his step-daughter. They have both paid money out of their pockets to raise these kids and given them far more affection than their real parents.

Your step-mother should have tried harder though and agree that if you can't accept someone's kids, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Your dad should have tried much harder too and I think he has allowed it to happen.

OP I could almost have written your post. My stepmother treated my brother and I as an inconvenience really, no pictures of us in the house, loads of her kids. But really I am angriest with my father about this - how can he not have known how this would feel for us? Actually, scratch that - I know that he did, it made him sad but he did fuck all to remedy it. now he's dead and I all I can do is just feel angry about it.

I have a step mum who I have known my whole life because she was in my mum and dads friendship circle. She was the OW. I take my hat off to my mum because other than the original fall out she remains civil and pleasant and it’s meant family occasions over the years are not awkward. When we stayed at my dads when we were younger my SM would refuse to feed us, would ‘ban’ us from certain rooms saying her and her sons were in there, would openly moan about our presence to our dad, she is still very odd now, if we visit it’s my dad who makes the tea/gets the biscuits etc she just won’t do it. I also can never just drop into my dads, she has a heart attack if we turn up and my dad hasn’t told her we’re coming. I keep up a relationship with her and my dad because to be honest I actually don’t care enough about her and I wouldn’t forgo the relationship with my dad over her behaviour even though he condoned it. it’s just how things are.

Who on this planet believes they are not a nice person ( or at least who under 50- because I think as you age you can accept people including yourself as they are). Who on this planet believes bringing up DCs is as hard as it is until they've had one.
Be realistic pp.

I can imagine my SD who is 16 writing this.

There is always 3 sides to a story ... there side, the other side and the truth.

YANBU. I don't understand people who enter relationships with children involved if they don't want the hassle of the kids. I also don't understand parents who get into these relationships.

I know a woman like this. She was very happy to have the step kids around when convenient but not when it put her or her biological children out. (They weren't included on holidays because otherwise they would have to choose a cheaper destination), they weren't included in family photos etc. Fortunately the dad (eventually) put his foot down and split up with her.

I can imagine my SD who is 16 writing this.

That's sad - why not put some photos of her up in the house? Or invite her on holidays (even if she chooses not to come).

Yes my “stepmother” was a horror also! She hated children, had none of her own, and to this day clearly sees us as an inconvenience! I remember her sulking whenever we came to visit and sighing/ rolling her eyes at anything we said. We weren’t allowed to spend any time whatsoever without her with my Dad and they often went on fancy holidays abroad without us. She’s jealous of the GC now too and has made some awful snipes about them all. Not all step parents are wonderful.

My ex-husband's girlfriend is the girl that he left me for. She refuses to meet me even though when the kids are with him, they are with them both. My kids love her and talk about her all time and I have even sat down with them to make drawings for her. I guess I am lucky that she loves them and they love her, but I struggle to think kindly about a woman who would sleep with a married man and then refuse to meet the mother of the kids she likes to 'play mummy' to.
The only thing I would ever have to say to her is 'thank you for loving my kids, and if their father ever starts yelling and abusing you or them, please pick up the phone and call me so I can come and get them so they never have to witness that again.'
For my kids sake, I hope their relationship works.

I have a step mum who is pretty much disinterested in me. To be honest though, I don’t expect any more- why should someone be particularly interested in their partners child? It’s my fathers fault for being a crap father. She is no relation to me and it’s fair enough of she’s not interested.

Hi folks

It's not great netiquette to bring up another user's posting history - can we try and keep this thread on track? Thank you!

@HomeMadeMadness this year alone we are taking SD on 6 holidays and there are photos up everywhere of her and of us as a family. How she wants to see things through her eyes is fine. To be fair it's DS mother hates myself and DH more than she loves her own child so everything is tinted till she wants to see what is on offer and that goes with unconditional love too.

I’d say the blame is entirely at your fathers door for your bad treatment. What a nasty man.

this year alone we are taking SD on 6 holidays and there are photos up everywhere of her and of us as a family

In that case she couldn't have written this OP and I think you're projecting (which isn't very useful)! Yes you may have a stroppy SD who wants to paint you as the evil step mother when you're not but that doesn't mean you can dismiss the experiences of people who genuinely had uninterested or even hostile step parents.

I know some blended families work, but I’ve seen enough go tits up that I’ve already decided should DH and I divorce/him die early I’d rather not go down that road myself. Already having kids was my one proper dealbreaker in my dating years too.

SIL has been a total cow to her SC. To the point that MIL and FIL hated going round to hers on Xmas to drop off prezzies as the difference in what the kids got from Santa/SIL and BIL was so stark. When we met her at the ILs once she had one of her DC and a SC with her. She posed our LOs with her DC for a photo, then told her SC to move out of the shot.

I don’t know who’s worse, her for doing it or BIL for letting her. They’re both SO shocked, BTW, that his kids have grown closer to their mother.

change "step parents" to another minority group and tell me if its ok.

Step parents are a minority now? Good lord would you like to be included in the Equality Act too?