Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

Interesting dynamics here - SM including spending received child support from her ex appropriately. Your father presumably paying child support to your mother.

Family 2 always seems to be expected to make all the sacrifices and be accommodating. The children of family 2 get one holiday, the children of family 1 expect to have two. Life doesn’t work like that. Wage earners have to be taken into account also. SM has no financial obligation to family 1 and shouldn’t have to factor in subsidising family 1 when booking his/her own holidays with his/her own children. Why should they miss out on life experiences because of an affordability factor?

We see this time and time again, especially at birthdays, Christmas etc - people seem to expect all the extended new family to accept the children of previous relationships as blood kin and be treated accordingly, even down to inheritance (seen that a couple of times mentioned).

I agree, it would be nice if relationships are harmonious, but to expect more than that? It's unlikely.

Im rather cynical because DB had a long term relationship of over a decade with a woman with two DC. My parents certainly treated them as equal grandchildren, lavished money and presents on them - did they keep in touch when the relationship broke down? Of course not! And they were young adults by then. They’d milked my parents for expensive presents and never even bothered with a card or a phone call to what were surrogate grandparents who had emotionally invested in them for 12 years.

Blame your Dad

My Step mother was an evil witch. She absolutely despised me through my entire childhood and teenage years and eventually used it as an excuse to physically abuse my father.

My Step Dad on the other hand is a total angel and has always been nothing but supportive throughout my life.

I'm not sure what makes people act the way they do towards step children, I wish I had an answer!

Another vote for blaming your dad. He is responsible for ALL of this.

For bringing you into the world, for his relationship with your mother, for his choice of new partner & for allowing his new partner to behave like this. People make mistakes, so he chose badly with your step mum. But he allowed it to persist. You are justifiably angry, but you are directing it at the wrong person. You need to put the blame 100% on him.

DH's parents split when he was 3. His Mum remarried, and his stepdad was far too focused on his own kids to bother with DH.... they used to go away during the school breaks in a caravan and DH would be packed off to relatives or booked on an outward bound course . When his Mum died when he was 18, within weeks stepdad threw him out and he was left to get on with it so stepdad could find a new wife His Mum left everything in her will to this man thinking he'd look after DH..... instead it will all go to his own kids, in spite of them having bought the house outright with DH's mums divorce settlement (money his dad earned). It's sickening and his mum would be turning in her grave over it.

DH's dad married the proverbial step-monster who also shut DH out of their lives. They weren't in contact for nearly 30 years until she died and DH's dad reached out to make contact. It was infuriating that he blamed her for it all but DH was able to take it for what it was and they had a great bond by the time he died 8 years later. He still misses him, and I feel a huge anger towards the step-monster that she kept them apart for all those years, and him for the fact he let her .

this thread actually makes me quite sad.

My DH has a son so I am a step parent, we have no other DC's & no intention to - it wouldn't matter what I actually did, it would never be good enough anyway

Step parents do get a hard time on here. It’s not always easy and unless you have done it it’s hard to judge.

I have been a step parent and did find it hard. My step children were going on fancy holidays with their mum and her partner whilst I was struggling to take ours on a Sun (9.99) holiday, if we offered to take the step children on our caravan holiday they would turn their noses up as they were going to Benidorm, my husband was paying large amounts of maintenance as well as paying for school trips, school uniform and anything else they asked for and my kids were living in 2nd hand clothes whilst the step children were wearing designer trainers. Then there was the issues with the ex wife turning the kids against their father if he refused to buy them the latest things or refused to pay for a school trip to Disney land. It wasn’t easy and my kids went with out many times so the step kids could have what they wanted. They are now adults and dh and I are no longer together. For me it was some of the worst years of my life and there’s no way I would do it again.

Big respect to all those that can do it as it’s bloody difficult and you are constantly being judged as being the “evil step parent”. I do think that a lot of people don’t consider how much hard work it can be taking on someone else’s children.

I think that majority of the blame is on the bio parent in this case. I could never be with a man who put his children last under any circumstances. Kids don't choose to be born and they don't choose divorce so in my eyes if you can't put their needs first, don't have them!

Your step mum sounds horrible and I'm sorry that you and your brother had to grow up with that

I'm married to a man with two wonderful kids and even though there is a big age gap between DH and me and the kids are too old to be my children, I love them and would do anything for them. DH and I have a DD3 together and I go out of my way to include the older ones in things we do as a family. Blended families are tricky sometimes but they are also amazing.

@OKBobble Thanks for your post! Although your theory is definitely credible, my Mum is very supportive and tried numerous times to encourage a healthy relationship with us and our step Mum.

She even invited her round etc.

I have 2 DSC and have been in their lives over 10 years. We've had some hard times, especially at the start, combining teenage hormones and a new family dynamic but overall we are a normal happy family. DSC are lucky that they also have a good SD via their mum. Neither of us step on to mum and dads toes but we both love them, care for them and have a close relationship with them. Don't get me wrong they can do my head in but so does my own DS!! It is a hard relationship to navigate at times and sometimes there are frustrations at maybe worrying about not saying certain things that you would to your own! But it is worth all the worry as it is a special kind of relationship if it works.
Both of my DSC live with us full time now (young adults). so I must be doing something right x

This thread makes me so sad. I'm a step mum to two absolutely adorable kids and I love them with all my heart. They are part of my DP, who is a wonderful father. I can't imagine feeling any animosity towards them whatsoever. I don't yet have children of my own but I know that if that time ever comes, they will be just as loved as they are now. We are family. Biology doesn't matter to me.

I have to agree with what many have said here. The biological parent is responsible. They need to put their kids first. ALL of their kids.

There is another aspect to this though. I took on my husband in the full knowledge that he had four DCs and worked my absolute hardest to get on with them. I was a complete Pollyanna and extremely naive in believing I could make it work. I didn't have children of my own, I wasn't the OW, I came along years after the divorce but, try as I might, it felt that whatever I did was wrong for years. What I learned the hard way was that your own efforts count for nothing with people determined to dislike you without giving you a chance. I was too involved, not involved enough, organising too much, not organising enough, I simply couldn't win. I knew what I was taking on, I desperately tried to make it work but they made it so difficult that for years I regretted getting involved and, yes, felt bitter that I was always shoved into second place. It was brilliant when they became adults and we get on very well now but when they were young teenagers it was a nightmare.

She also refused to learn how to give my DD her epipen as it was ‘nothing to do with her’.

Wow I am sure that would go down well with your ex if something happened and she was not bothered!!

I completely agree with all posts suggesting that the blame is on my Dad in this circumstance. But I think maybe missing the point of the post? Maybe I shouldn't have given an example but my actual post is about not understanding why people decide to continue a relationship with someone who has children if they don't want them there.

My Dad allowing this to happen is a different post! By NO stretch of the imagination have I ever directly the blame at her and not him. I've told them both how I've felt, more him than her! He has an excuse for everything and so I've given up with it but after seeing numerous posts (Step Mum who wanted to have a canvas of her children, excluding her DHs child from previous marriage) it made me think... why on earth do these people get involved in the first place?!

I think being a Step Parent is a tough job and as mentioned, my Step Dad is absolutely wonderful. But Mumsnet isn't for coming on and talking about that is it? It's for asking for similar circumstances when you've experienced something negative, or along those lines.

theres been a few of these lovely threads recently. Reported.

I've stopped asking for support or step parenting advice on here. So much hate.

@flamingofridays You must be fun at parties

I cant imagine your much fun at parties if you just like to bully step parents tbh.

whoevenami I imagine in the case of my DP’s stepmum, she wanted to be with his dad and saw his son and daughter as disposable. Ultimately she did manage to push them both away and so has got what she wanted - a relationship with DP’s dad with no children involved. But ultimately it must have been far from the lifestyle that she wanted and so who knows why she chose to enter into that relationship?! I agree with you, how could you enter into that relationship knowing you hated children?

Your father is not “equally” to blame

He is much much much more to blame. Weak pathetic man that he is.

Its not necessarily the step parent alone
It's likely the new unit of father and stepmother or mother and stepfather that's the issue. Surely the father could step in and make things better ? Mine could have done. He chose not to....

I'm late 40s. He is still about but see him rarely. He left for another younger woman when I was v young after some hideous family circumstances.
They are still together. They have two further adult children and grandchildren.

As a unit and family they are perfectly nice.
Stepmother Is/was perfectly nice.

They just weren't interested in me or being active parts of my life. And while we all smile and meet up maybe twice a year at that, me and my kids are like remote friends/ acquaintances to them.

They have a wall of photos, all are of them, their other kids, the grandchild and clearly most importantly obviously their dog.....

No picture of me, my sibling, their kids or my sons. There is no interest in pictures of us. None are taken when we see them. I've given up giving any because they aren't acknowledged.

At one point there were shitty school photos of me and sibling. Stayed on shelf for a while in early early days , then it was relegated to study. Then it were gone.

I'm so used to feeling like nothing to them, I don't think I deserve a photo up or for them to be properly interested in me so I'd never say anything.
Anyway any response photos/ interest etc wouldn't be real. If they wanted us there they would have made that clear.

It's so masked by fake pleasantness it's hard to explain but I do know I don't consider him a father in conventional way. He would never be a point of call in time of issue. When I left my abusive exh. They didn't believe me and remained in touch with him on social media. That probably said more about how I was viewed than 35 odd years of poor interest....

It's shit.

@flamingofridays Have you actually read the post or ANY of my further comments????? How am I ACTUALLY bullying step parents? By thinking men or women who want to pretend their partner's children don't exist should fuck off instead of continuing the relationship????

As mentioned numerous times............ my Step Dad is AMAZING and as mentioned before you even commented, I think the job of a step parent is a tough one! But I'm a bully for thinking men/women who treat their partner's children like shit shouldn't continue a relationship? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Read the posts first.

My granny married a widower with a young child. My grandmother refused to take on his child or even meet her. She lived with her grandparents and my grandfather was not allowed to visit. This all transpired many years later when my mother was pregnant and innocently said she was thinking of calling the baby if it was a girl "Jennifer". My granny threw a complete fit and said no one in the family could be called that dreadful name. This was the name of my grandfather's dd.

When I was told the tale I found it very upsetting. My granny was a bit of a harridan, but my grandfather must have been very weak to just turn his back on his motherless dd.

I think it's easy to judge when you haven't done it. I'm another one who is a SP, wasn't the OW, came along years after the marriage breakdown and after thebio-mum remarried.
Nothing I do is good enough. I'm around too much, I'm around too little. I organise too much, I organise too little. I'm expected to support DSS financially, academically, spiritually, tell him whatever he wants to do he can but I get nothing in return (not even an answer to "how was your day"). Things did used to be better or I would have left when it was clear it wasn't working out. And the worst part is his mum is always making comments (which he repeats to his dad, about me being a "silly little girl" and having "bad priorities" and "taking his dad away from him").

There have been many times I've considered leaving because of this but we have DC and it wouldn't be fair on them. I hope it gets better as DSS gets older. His dad does his best to try to mend things but DSS has started cutting him out because I'm there. So I try to be elsewhere.

It's such a mess.

It's not always the step mother's fault.