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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

228 replies

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 10:32

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 08/03/2019 13:28

I think most step parents start with good intentions but the complexity of blending families becomes too much after a while.

Very often there is a bitter ex working on children behind the scenes and trying to poison them against the step mother. Very often she succeeds and step children become cold, unresponsive and ignoring/nasty.
There is only so much one can take before they detach and concentrate on relationships where they won't get hated for existing.

lyralalala · 08/03/2019 13:29

Did you continue to send your DD there after she said this?

Until DD was old enough to decide not to go I had no choice as there was a court order in place (that their dad only insisted on enforcing when the girls stopped wanting to go - while other story).

The epipen was around the same time as the girls couldn’t go to their younger brothers christening as she had ‘family’ staying for the weekend so there was no room for them. It was the point that I stuck to the court order and no more (ex is military so I used to be very flexible).

FooFighter99 · 08/03/2019 13:29

When DH and I first got together, he was very open and honest that his DD would always be a priorty and if that wasn't ok with me then we wouldn't pursue the relationship.

I was 23 when we first got together and although I knew I always wanted kids, I had no idea what becoming a step-parent would entail... But I knew DH was "The One" so i made massive amounts of effort.

It didn't help that DH's ex wife took an instant dislike to me (not because I'd done anything wrong, simply because DH had the gall to "move on" after she cheated and threw him out...)

I spent a lot of time getting to know DSD and making an effort but if, in those first few months, had I had any doubts I wouldn't have made DH choose me over her.

I think a lot of step-parents set out with the best of intentions, but none of us really know how it's going to turn out, there are so many variable (awful exes, nasty grandparents, kids that act out and give you a hard time) so you can't say that people shouldn't become step-parents if they aren't willing to be a good one because it's not always that easy/simple.

Thankfully, 11 years down the line, DSD and I have a wonderful relationship and I am mega proud of the young woman she is becoming (as I have helped to raise her and shape her as a person, she's lived with us for the past 6 years)

QuizzlyBear · 08/03/2019 13:31

I do think you're right OP - but to my mind it's not just step parents - I know plenty of bio parents that should never have had kids, they just weren't cut out to self-sacrifice or put others first.

My DM should not have had kids, she did so because 'that's what you did'. She's a self-centred narcissist though and shouldn't have.

My DSM however is a warm, nurturing person who I'm proud to count as one of my very best friends - I live in fear of one day losing her.

lisamac28 · 08/03/2019 13:34

my actual post is about not understanding why people decide to continue a relationship with someone who has children if they don't want them there

I would guess that they don't have enough insight to look that deep into themselves and do the right thing by leaving the relationship. Instead, they'll tell themselves the kids are a 'nightmare' etc to feel justified in their actions.

My DD has been abandoned by her dad. He was in DDs life up until he met his girlfriend and after about a year he was gone. The girlfriend couldn't have made it any clearer that DD was an inconvenience to her/them. I would rather DD be without him than her having to go to them at weekends and be treated like shit tbh, I know he wouldn't have stood up for DD.

stairway · 08/03/2019 13:35

There was another thread about a man who wouldn’t date single mums. I totally agree if you don’t want to be a step parent don’t enter into a relationship with a parent.

whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:36

This reply has been deleted

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berrybubbles · 08/03/2019 13:39

YANBU! I’ve never said or done any wrong by my Dad’s partner. I’ve never even lived in their house or had my own room. She still hates my guts as she doesn’t want kids and doesn’t like them. Especially hates me now as I’m in a career she wants to be in and is very jealous of my success. Don’t get with someone with a child then you daft cow! My mother’s partner is a weird one. Scarred me for life after I accidentally clicked on a Skype notification on his iPad (he let me use it) to see a women’s vagina pic at 15. Never told my mum the gory details only said he was cheating on her and messaging other women. She’s still with him though! I might bring it up one Christmas if they piss me off. They’ve never given me a reason to like them and respect is earned in this life

Original poster
whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:43

@berrybubbles Oh how sad! :(

How do you get on with your Mum and Dad?

OP posts:
berrybubbles · 08/03/2019 13:44

Just to add, I absolutely hate the view that a step parent is entitled to a relationship with said mother or father. There’s billions of people on this planet, unless they’ve got a golden cock or vagina then there’s no need to potentially ruin a child’s life and distance them from their parent. If you don’t like them leave

Original poster
whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:48

@berrybubbles Exactly my point!

OP posts:
berrybubbles · 08/03/2019 13:48

I’ve gone fully NC with them now as of 3 weeks ago and I’ve never felt better. My DF turned on me after I voiced my opinions on him fully providing for his wife when he never paid CS or helped out with uni fees. He paid for SM to do her uni degree and for a shop that flunked. Whenever I’ve seen them she’s always in Costa with a mate or out shopping with his cash. I don’t mind non-workers if they’re caring for children or unable to work but she’s always been fully capable. She’s 30 years off retirement and quite a bit younger than DH so I find it unfair on him. I’m just very bitter and seeing a therapist now to get through it. Hope you’re okay OPFlowers

berrybubbles · 08/03/2019 13:49

DF* sorry!

PiebaldHamster · 08/03/2019 13:50

You wouldn't get flamed by me, grinningcheshire. It was a dealbreaker for me when I was single, childfree and dating. Just nope. Didn't care how 'lovely' the guy was, if he had kids I broke it all off asap. Bollocks to 'fell' in love, you allow that to happen or you don't. We should all have boundaries about what we can handle and can't or like or don't. Therein lies a lot of the problem, some people have poor boundaries and/or a very low bar so they put up with just about anything as long as they are in a relationship.

lyralalala · 08/03/2019 13:57

my actual post is about not understanding why people decide to continue a relationship with someone who has children if they don't want them there

People are selfish. That kind of behaviour is just an extension of that. They want therefore they should have. The same reason that a biological parent allows it to happen.

The bit I’ll never understand even more is what on Earth is attractive about a person who allows their kids to be treated badly (or who treats them poorly themselves).
I dated a couple of guys before DH who had kids and as soon as they showed that their kids weren’t a priority they were so unattractive to me.

PenguinPjs · 08/03/2019 13:58

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

How about...
"So my message to anybody who has children and is dating somebody, if you can't put your children first, then stay single. You cannot erase your children from your life and move on with your new family"

WhiteCat1704 · 08/03/2019 13:58

berrybubbles

What's wrong with a husband supporting his wife financially?

PenguinPjs · 08/03/2019 13:58

First paragraph should've been bold as quoted from the OP

hardyloveit · 08/03/2019 13:59

Although I called my dad dad he wasn't biologically but bought me up from a baby and was the most amazing dad ever! Even after he split up with mum he was still dad etc However at one point I had the most horrendous step mum who did not want his kids around and one by one made our lives hell...... he got rid of her shortly after!

You get good and bad step parents and I think sometimes the bad are just jealous or have their own views on things and don't like the way the family unit is run as such

Original poster
whoevenami · 08/03/2019 13:59

@PenguinPjs Very true! I think both apply.

@lyralalala Very good point actually - what a repulsive trait!

OP posts:
Fluffytheevil1 · 08/03/2019 14:06

My step mother wanted to adopt me. I spent more time with her than I did with my dad. When I ended my contact with him it was her I missed. Not him.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/03/2019 14:08

@trulynewme2019 I sympathise I’ve had similar. Especially the pretending we don’t exist after we’ve spent years with them, being a good SM, and the loyalty binds with their mother totally ruining it. DSDs exactly like this - truly now I wish I’d never bothered. The last holiday with DSDs was so awful that I will never go on holiday with them again, my younger kids have a crap time and have gone from being confused and hurt as to why I’m rejected, to indifference.

I am not sure this applies to you OP. However many SMs like me start off being welcoming, but get so much resentment towards them that they do disengage. And then it’s a vicious cycle, they are then the distant SMs they were once unfairly accused of.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/03/2019 14:12

@berry I’d say that’s 100% your Dad though surely? Not SM.

MadameDD · 08/03/2019 14:17

berrybubbles - what happens though in my DM's case when my stepdad was lying to her - e.g. he hit us but we never told her, I had nightmares about him! The one time he did hit me in front of her (on the stairs) there was a god almighty row between them over it as he'd been 'caught out' hitting me. I know that my DM found it hard bringing up a sick child (my brother) and me. She was constantly being told by her own DM (my nana) that stepdad was a 'brick' for taking her and us on and not many men would do this. However he only saw grandparents etc when he had to and visited them with us rarely but always on best behaviour.

IggyPoppers · 08/03/2019 14:18

There were two adults in this scenario. One had parental responsibility for you and one didn't. The one that did could have sorted every single one of your listed grievances and didn't. Yet your rage is directed at the person who didn't have PR for you.....it's a fairly immature response. The person you need to be angry with is your father. He allowed all this to happen to you.