Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

yes, I've read all of it and I think its clear what you're trying to start here.

The reality of this is that your father didn't give a fuck, but you're blaming it all on his wife, when in reality as much as she is to blame partly, its HIM who has responsibility towards you not her.

You are bullying yes. I wont change my mind on that and you can say wow as much as you like pretending you don't know what it is you're starting here. Threads like this always get hundreds of nasty replies.

Fine, you had an awful personal experience, i'm sorry about that but this thread incites hatred towards mainly step mothers and I don't think that's ok.

and "treating like shit" to one person, is very different to another.

For some people, not loving a step child like your own is "treating like shit" to others its normal and obvious that it wont be the same.

Ah right so because im a step parent im not allowed an opinion...

well done for advanced searching me, gold fucking star miss marple!

damn just typed huge post now it has gone!

basically - no - since a big fall out with stepdad about 15 years ago we are on 'greetings' speaking terms and not much else, we are civil but there's no conversation at all when I visit, though he says hello and has interaction with DD and DH but I limit that. He has also lied about hitting us as DC, I wish he could own up to that if anything, it'd make me respect him more. He's had an affair I think but DM chooses to let him stay. When he dies I won't stay in touch with him at all though DB will.

Freaky.... the op has made clear that she holds her father very much accountable

@flamingofridays I just don't understand you at all.

I've said that my Dad is to blame for this just as much (if not more for not intervening) but that my post isn't about parents failing to do their job it's about step parents who treat their step children awfully.

You can pretend you know about my situation and you can try to play it down ("treating like shit to one person, is very different to another") but the reality is, you don't know!

I'm sorry if you as a step parent have received backlash and in reality you have tried your damned hardest. Genuinely, that's shit for you but that doesn't mean I can't be disgruntled because MY step Mum was vile. Sorry but your reactions/comments just come across very "if the shoe fits" if you're a step parent who hasn't faced these issues why the hell are you upset? The post clearly isn't about step parents in general (shall I mention again how wonderful my Step Dad is?)

Honestly, it seems like you're upset here (God knows why) so just leave??? Why waste your time commenting and using so much effort if you don't agree? Bizarre.

I do think sometimes that as a SP though you're treated in a different way to a parent - for years my DM would say openly to me and DB as she and stepdad aren't married - that when she died we e.g. DB and I were getting the family house - not stepdad - now it's split 3 ways between us all. She changed this after her DM died. Stepdad been in my life since I was 4/5 and am now 47.

I said im sorry for your situation. Learn to read.

I do have a step mum who wishes I wasn’t around. I hardly ever see my father. However I firmly blame him. He could have stood up for us.

I have a lovely step Dad. Sadly missed.

I am also a step mum. I would never have made my DSDs unwelcome, and in fact became a main carer for one of them. However I now do get accused of ‘making them unwelcome’ from the older ones and I tell you I’m sick of it! They just want to come to our house, totally ignore me, ignore my child, make snide remarks and treat me like a second class citizen. So it goes both ways!

However, this is not your situation OP. Your SM wasn’t nice. I’d never have done that to my DSDs in fact they basically came first a lot of the time. And I also liked to give them a nice home too, and took them away on holiday without my kids once!

@flamingofridays Yes and you clearly meant it.......................

If you were "sorry" for my situation you wouldn't have commented half the stuff you commented because it wouldn't apply?

@MadameDD I agree! I think many SP get a bad wrap completely unnecessarily! I'm sure many feel as if they can't win. But I can assure you my Step Mum does not fit that mould!

how did I not mean it? sorry but can you mind read?

I am sorry for it because it must be shit to have a shit step parent, because yes they do exist.

I just said this thread incites hatred towards all step parents, which it does and that point still stands.

Another vote for blaming your dad. He is responsible for ALL of this

Absolutely not. The step mother needs to take responsibility for her part in this situation. It’s not reasonable to treat children like this just as much as it’s not acceptable to stand by and pretend it’s not happening.

Your father married someone who hated his kids, that's pretty fucked up. He's a shit father.

My dad remarried and has been with his wife for at least 10 years. They got married abroad and invited nobody kept it mostly quiet. Used to see her but slowly all contact has stopped shes even deleted my aunt off Facebook as she just wants nothing to do with his family. Fair enough if she doesn't like us- his kids but my auntie is a lovely lady who cant do enough for anyone. It says alot when both her children moved away when they were 18 and she also has barely any contact with them. I dont know her problem and probably never will.

@MadamDD my own mother lied about hitting us as children so lots of biological parents do that let alone step-parents.

Oh and my step mothers were lovely. My dad was the shit. My mother was also horrible but as I had adult siblings and half-siblings as a child, her telling me my step mothers were awful didn't work. They were actually better at getting me to behave than her as they didn't resort to violence.

I also know a few people who are still touch with their ex-step mothers as they kept them on the straight and narrow when teenagers.

It has also massively effected the relationship me and my brothers now have with him. We see him once every few months and has also said he plans to move abroad in a few years so will probably be even less. I dread to think when/if i get married the difficult conversation i would be having about why she doesnt want anything to do with us anymore

You are right. In fact, your post reminded me to text my stepsons to check they are ok - we speak most days. I would have never married their dad if I didn't see them as family.

I agree that sometimes it’s not so clear cut. I’m a child from a second marriage and my mum went to huge lengths to welcome her step children but they never warmed to her, my dad’s ex’s wife made sure of that. It’s sad because my mum is a fantastic, selfless person and they missed out on what could have been a lovely relationship but after nearly 40 years of being rejected my mum has stopped making the effort.

TedAndLola...I am new here so don't know about step parent bashing threads but I do not see this as the fault of the step parent. It is the biological parent who needs to make life choices which are in the interest of his/ her children. To me - this is NOT on the step parent, it is ALL on the parent. And I speak from experience with my father.

If you take on a person with kids, you take on the kids, to whatever extent is appropriate. If you cant handle that then dont do it. Your Step Mum sounds a horror. But actually your Dad is the bigger problem here - he clearly has no back bone or balls to speak of and has let his wife behave horribly. I am so sorry OP

The thing is there are good step parents. There are also step parents who have no chance because of the actions of the parents (the ex poisoning minds and undermining for example).

But there are step parents like the OP describe. It shouldn’t be that they can’t be talked about just because some step parents are good.

That would be like me saying people shouldn’t say their parents were good because mine were abusive. Everyone’s situation is different and everyone should be able to talk and vent about it.

My own grandparents on my dad's side used to remove my picture from their living room when my step mother was there. Needless to say I don't see any of them anymore and don't give two shits about it.

Bio parent also to blame here. You shouldn’t date someone who doesn’t accept the fact you have children. I would not be with my DP if he ever mistreat my children in any way.

My DC’s Dad’s partner is a horrible woman and treats our DC like crap to the extent they no longer want to visit their house. If I were my ex husband I would have left her the minute she shouted at my DC for no real reason and scared them. ExH is losing out on a relationship with his DC to protect his relationship with her. My DC come first, before any man at all ever, period.

My stepdad was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. My mum turned a blind eye and let it continue because she was afraid to be alone . She is equally to blame there imo, she had a duty to protect me yet didn’t.

this thread incites hatred towards mainly step mothers

So the OP isn’t allowed to want to discuss the situation? To try and make sense of it? To wonder if it was just her?

Unfortunately, my children’s experience of step mothers (plural) has been that of the OP. Lot’s of expectation their children are accepted, that space is made for them, that financial support is provided. In return, it seems fine to have my children belittled, pushed out, ignored, called names, and for them to be denied any financial support.

I am very clear this is my ex’s issue. However, if we absolve the step mother of her responsibilities towards her partner’s children, we hand her the right to abuse. That’s not OK.