Step Parents... if you can't do it don't do it!!!

[whoevenami]

Does anybody have a Step Mum (or Step Dad... personally mine is the Step Mum) who clearly wishes that their partner's children from a previous marriage weren't in the picture?!

My Step Mum has always made it very obvious myself and my brother were an inconvenience. When she first came along we were kicked out of our bedrooms and when they had a child together we had no room at all! In their house there has never been a school picture etc of me or my brother but plenty of her child from a previous marriage and the child they have together (Step Mum and Dad)

She's made the littlest effort possible with regards to conversation over the years but dotes on her own children. They would go on holiday as a 4 all of the time to amazing destinations... myself and my brother were never included.

My Dad is equally to blame for this as he could've and SHOULD'VE included us more, but this post is mainly about Step Parents.

So my message to anybody reading who is in the early stages of dating somebody who has children from a previous marriage... if you can't be a decent PERSON (not even suggesting being a parent) then find somebody without children. You cannot erase them from life and move on with your own perfect family.

Does anybody else have issues with their step parent/s?

I have an absolutely amazing Step Father.

I do think it’s easier to be a stepfather when you live with the child and are part of their daily lives.

I am probably a shit step mum defined here. I see my role as facilitating the relationship with their dad, rather than as a “parent”. I saw these kids at weekends, less now they’re adults. Generally I would take our kids to their swimming lessons and school parties etc so dh was free to spend time with sdc, but that did mean i didn't see much of them.

They are always welcome, and we have offered several times to have one or both live with us, but it was their mum who wouldn’t allow it.

I do sometimes feel guilty that we don’t have a closer relationship. But when i met dh he was living on his parents sofa, the kids were on the floor when they came to stay.

I feel for dh mostly, as I know he feels he let them down. But it is very hard to parent on a part time basis, especially when it is not something you chose or wanted. He was excluded from all the decision making- schools, activities, medical, as his ex didn’t involve him.

@Paperdoll1 You can't honestly think that a step parent is not responsible for their actions in a situation like this? The biological parent is 100% to blame for allowing it etc but if you're really suggesting that if a man or woman enters a relationship with someone knowing they have children and treats them poorly, trying to push them out of the picture that it's ok because they're not biologically related? Surely not!

But yes, my Dad is definitely to blame for not sticking up for us. That's a different thread! I'm talking about not understanding women or men who enter these relationships if they don't want the children there!

So the OP isn’t allowed to want to discuss the situation?

of course she is, and it isn't the subject matter that shouldn't be allowed, its ops tone and the fact that she's started this thread off the back of another, and the fact she is clearly super happy everyone else is replying about how awful step mothers are.

change "step parents" to another minority group and tell me if its ok.

@Newname12 You don't sound like a shit step parent at all! It's not your job to be their Mum. You sound like you've made plenty of effort etc. If your DSC's Mum is making things difficult that's a whole other thread!

My parents divorced when I was very young back in the 70s when divorce was still a stigma for a woman. A couple of years later I gained a step father who was great with me but had a lot f problems with my younger brother. There was a lot of jealousy on both sides and only to really got better once my brother left home and then over the years they built a great relationship.
My dad also met someone else and in the 40 odd years they were together I never once went on even a weekend break with them let alone a holiday. I never was invited to a meal nor big parties like my dads 60th or 80th birthday even though we were in regular contact and I was an adult and had given him grandchildren. It was the same for my brother who lived just 10 minutes away and would do things like fix his car and give lifts when needed.
I went to my dads funeral a few years ago and there were people there who had known my dad for years but didn’t know we existed. When the family photos were shown we weren’t in any of them as we never invited as he kept us very separate from his everyday life.
My dad was just a weak man who was willing to sideline his kids to bring up someone else’s child with another woman who didn’t want us as part f the package.

Step parents are not a minority group - that’s a ridiculous comparison..

I'm not sure it's as easy as saying if you can't do it don't do it!
being a step parent like being any parent is a massive ongoing learning curve, made more complex by trying to understand what is/isn't at step-parent role. There's no manual for how to do it and step parents have a hell of a lot less support then you might realise

Although I can understand your anger as it sounds as though your situation is awful!
I actually think you (or your mum if you don't feel able to) should have a discussion about this with your dad. He's probably not aware of how you're feeling and I'd hope both him and your step mum would want to rectify that

not understanding women or men who enter these relationships if they don't want the children there!

I think a lot of women genuinely don't know what they're getting themselves into, don't realise how hard it will be, what problems they will face, what kind of strain it will put on their relationship. I could go on.

I think as well when the problems start emerging, a lot of women feel they are "in too deep" to leave, or they have their own children with the husband.

Its easy to say well if you don't like it leave, but when the kids are with you part time, and the rest of your life is great you put up with it, and no maybe you're not the perfect step parent (because that doesn't exist) but you deal with it. Or you don't deal with it and you become resentful.

Its actually really easy for me to see how it happens, i'm not at all saying it should happen, or that its acceptable, but I can understand how and why it does.

My step mum is particularly nasty to me, rather than my sister. She hates my dad having any contact with my mum and has committed crimes in the past just to suss out his exes etc.

Although I know she is crazy and obviously to blame, I do blame my dad too for letting her treat me this way, even when I was young. Now there is hardly any contact sadly.

@flamingofridays If you're going to tell me to not try to read your mind, don't thin you can read mine!

Maybe I've missed the posts you're referring to but I can't see anybody here has bashed step parents simply for being step parents??? Anybody who has commented clearly has a reason. This is a post about shit Step Mums/Dads. Why would people talk about their shit sister or aunt?

Would you have a problem if on a post about "My Mother in Law told me I'm fat and not good enough" other's shared their experiences of their MILs being nasty?

You're clutching at straws now. I haven't bashed step parents in general at all and have in numerous posts given credit to how difficult it can be and how wonderful my other step parent is. You're making no sense! On a post about an experience with a shit step mother why can't others share their experiences? Unless you're also a shit step parent, it's weird you'd get so offended by that.

Step parents are not a recognised minority group, are they? Same as single parents, or people who claim any kind of benefit....all bashed on these forums for largely spurious reasons and misunderstandings of given situations. I mean, how many threads started by step mum’s include abusive single mums who don’t work but who have designer clothes, nice nails and a vodka habit? I do feel the need to roll my eyes and laugh myself stupid but I also know that will be the genuine experience of some step mum’s and they might need support in how to help, The OP has every right to discuss her experiences.

I totally agree with you OP. This isn't a step parent bashing thread, this is a step parents who treat their step children unfairly bashing thread (with a touch of biological parent who allows it bashing).

My mum had a DP who wanted me out of the house when I was a teen. He wanted to marry her and me to move out (still doing my exams at school). Mum dumped him 👏👏👏. He was a bellend anyway, just wanted someone to cook and clean for him. He shortly afterwards married his cleaner.

The DF was wrong but the adult SM is responsible for her own actions.

DO not see this as an SM bashing thread, it is a statement of facts about some SMs and SDs.

I wanted by DCS SM1 to be kind - she failed on so many counts it is not true. SM2 on the other hand - gets it - life is now much better. Am sure that is all separated parents want - for their kids to be treated with kindness.

To clarify, if there was a post about "nightmare step children" I wouldn't be offended at all! I've been more than kind and CONTINUE (muggins!) to be to my Step Mum so I know within myself I have not been difficult for her (other than just existing!) so I would not at all be offended by others sharing their experiences of their DSC who HAVE been difficult.

To clarify, if there was a post about "nightmare step children" I wouldn't be offended at all

maybe you wouldn't be but the person who posted a thread like that would get ripped to shit within seconds.

@whoevenami I hear you darl - your step mother has not stepped up to the plate and perhaps when your Dad first married her, he believed she would. But, I believe he should have left her after realising that she was treating his children that way. So, again, yes, I do blame your Dad I'm afraid. If he made a mistake by marrying her, then he should have rectified it. He should have put his children first. He should not have accepted the situation.

@flamingofridays I think you must have some underlying issues with your step children or maybe you have posted something before and been bashed I'm not sure but you just sound quite annoyed and I'm not sure this thread is really where it needs to be directed.

If you come across a thread (and from what you make out, there's plenty) which bashes step parents unreasonably... knock yourself out. This thread isn't that and there's only so many times/ways I can put that across to you until I go blue in the face!

@Paperdoll1 I agree! I have to consider myself very fortunate though that I do have a fantastic Step Dad. Perhaps if I didn't have him (he came along after Step Mum) it would be a much bigger pill to swallow!

It is up to the parent. Once they see how their chosen partner treats their children, they have a choice to either walk away or insist the partner modifies their behaviour. Of course the step parent is also responsible for not walking away or for not trying even if it is faking it til you make it.

My mother married when I was a young adult and the guy was a great step parent.

I think you must have some underlying issues with your step children or maybe you have posted something before and been bashed I'm not sure but you just sound quite annoyed and I'm not sure this thread is really where it needs to be directed

nope, no underlying issues thank you. I have just been here an awfully long time and I am sick of seeing the same shit over and over again. This place is awful as it is for step mothers, and threads like this just make it 100x worse.

My DM on the other hand had a stepdad who was nice to her almost too nice but sort of lightly sexually assaulted her - stroked her and invited her into their bed... yes I know it's shocking. Her own stepmum was appalling towards her, violent but my DM admits she was a difficult child and upset by her parents divorce and then her grandmother bringing her up had recently died.

My own stepmum when my DF remarried was very nice to me whilst they were married and even after, but when she got married again after her and DF divorced, her new husband was positively nasty to me - but not a stepparent to me.

strangely my stepdad told my mum a few years ago that as he'd met my DM when he was 24 or so, he felt now, looking back that he was too young then to bring up and parent children - she dealt with most of that herself anyway. That isn't to say though that a lot of younger stepparents are more than willing and able to cope with being stepparents at a young age.

@whoevenami - I do agree with you that if you marry someone with kids, you are essentially accepting 'the whole package' and if you cannot rise to the occasion, you should not marry someone with kids. I am sorry for you. My dad did a similar thing with a woman he lived with for many years - but fortunately for my sister and I, we were already over 18 so it was easier to deal with. She had her own little kids who she expected my dad to dote on - and he did - but begrudged my dad showing any affection towards us. My dad then got involved with another woman with 2 adult daughters - when she was engaged to my dad, she was very sweet to us and encouraged the relationship between my dad and us as well as my dad and my kids....but the minute the ring was on the finger...it was ALL about her daughters. Sigh. See I blame my Dad. I still love him dearly but when it comes to women vs my sister and I - he is a pussy!

@flamingofridays So why are you still here?! if you really actually believe that this thread is so awful etc etc why are you here?!?!?!?

to point that out obviously?

I am allowed an opinion just as much as you are, you know.

My step-mum is lovely. She's not even 'officially' my step-mum as her and Dad have never married, even though they've been together for 35 years. But she is my step-mum.
I get her a Mother's Day card and refer to her as my step-mum in conversation. My son calls her Granny.
She's never tried to be my Mum, and has never been horrible to me. I can't ever recall hearing her ever argue with anyone.

Your Father is the person to blame here, not her.