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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask opinions on sex while pregnant with a man who's not the dad

445 replies

blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 14:59

What are people's opinions on having sex with someone you have met at 25weeks pregnant after being single for 3 months after splitting up from baby's dad?

Have had a friend ask my opinion on wether I think this is acceptable. I was a bit surprised by her asking and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying it's her life and her body and if she is comfortable then it's her choice but to make sure she uses a condom as she hasn't known this guy long. She responded that she doesn't know if she should because it feels wrong while she has her baby inside her still, I said that if she is unsure then not to pressure herself.

I've never really thought about it tbh and usually I'm just of the opinion what people do isn't any of my business, but reflecting on it now I don't think I personally would if i was her, I can't put my finger on why exactly but then I've never been in her position! What do others think? Would you? Wouldn't you? Have you?

OP posts:

jamoncrumpets · 07/03/2019 15:53

The responses to this have got my feminist hackles up. Presumably the woman is now single, right? So why shouldn't she have (safe, consensual) sex with whoever she pleases?

BigFatFreak · 07/03/2019 15:53

Its grim.

And to the poster who mentioned bum sex, thats extra grim, pregnant or not!

Tink2007 · 07/03/2019 15:54

pocketfull That’s my thoughts too.

Haworthia · 07/03/2019 15:54

The sex question is irrelevant. I think it’s more important to concentrate on the pregnancy and the new baby rather than jump straight into a new relationship just three months after splitting with the father.

For me it would be a red flag if a woman prioritised a relationship over her child like that. It never works out well for the child.

Celebelly · 07/03/2019 15:55

If she wants to and he wants to then why not? You sacrifice so much of your body to being pregnant that I can totally understand wanting to have some normalcy and intimacy again.

As for the notion of it being a 'stranger's penis', I find that a bit weird. Who are these men whose gigantic penises are going through someone's cervix into their womb and poking the baby?! And that's OK if it's a friendly penis, but not an unknown penis? As long as she practices safe sex then I don't see the problem. She's not just an incubator - she's still a human being.

ltk · 07/03/2019 15:56

Thank you, Roomba. I can't believe the attitudes on this thread.

Pocketfull · 07/03/2019 15:57

Nobody is saying it pokes the baby. 🙄

Celebelly · 07/03/2019 15:57

Someone literally said 'prodding her with his knob'

jamoncrumpets · 07/03/2019 15:58

So a dad to be can go off and dip his wick in whoever he likes and that's fine, but a mum to be can't because you think it's 'gross'...

Riiiiight...

XJerseyGirlX · 07/03/2019 15:59

I suppose no one thinks its gross for a man to leave his pregnant girlfriend and have sex with someone else?

But the other way round… shock horror!

I think as long as all participating are doing so willingly what the fuck has it got to do with other people?

mindutopia · 07/03/2019 15:59

It's no one's business, but hers, but no definitely isn't the wisest move. It is possible to acquire some STIs even with condom use (herpes being the most worrisome). A surprise herpes outbreak late in pregnancy would be a very dangerous thing for baby. It's the sort of thing that would be unlikely with a regular partner you already have unprotected sex with (obviously if you got pregnant), but a much higher risk with a new partner. But honestly, I didn't have sex at that point in either of my pregnancies. I was eating biscuits and in bed by 9pm. I can't imagine dating or wanted to have sex with anyone - especially someone new I was trying to impress! But to each their own, I suppose.

Pocketfull · 07/03/2019 15:59

Apologies I see somebody did, must have missed that one. I did giggle a bit though.

MeAgainAgain · 07/03/2019 16:00

I had sex with DH when pregnant and neither of us felt it was freaky or poking the baby.

This thread is fascinating.

One of those topics where in real life its best to keep your thoughts to yourself.

As clearly single women are allowed to have sex and there is no logical reason that changes when she's pg

burritofan · 07/03/2019 16:00

The OP says nothing about a new relationship; just about sex. The woman in question also doesn't have a new baby yet. How much pregnancy concentration is she supposed to do? She's not allowed 5-15 minutes off to think about other things?

I honestly don't see the issue here, unless it is about her body being "branded" by the father, which is incredibly regressive. As a pp said, is the father supposed to be celibate until the birth too?

(Nb. I was joking about the bum sex. Pregnancy constipation alone would put me off. But if I were single I would go right ahead with regular-flavour sex.)

pilates · 07/03/2019 16:04

I don’t feel comfortable with it but can’t really articulate why, just that it feels wrong.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 07/03/2019 16:05

“I think the visceral reaction is pure misogyny tbh.”

I agree

percheron67 · 07/03/2019 16:05

I would be very wary of the chap concerned. He would appear to be strange if he wants sex with a woman who is pregnant by another man. By this time she must look pregnant.

jamoncrumpets · 07/03/2019 16:05

Nobody is saying you have to do it though @pilates - so what's the problem?

HerSymphonyAndSong · 07/03/2019 16:06

“For me it would be a red flag if a woman prioritised a relationship over her child like that. It never works out well for the child.”

How is it prioritising a relationship over her child, if she practises safe sex? The baby isn’t even born, it’s not like she has left it crying in another room while she has a shag

lboogy · 07/03/2019 16:06

What a grotesque thing to do. Just no

jamoncrumpets · 07/03/2019 16:06

So it's not possible for a man to have sex with a woman without being some kind of fetishist deviant @percheron67?!

sonjadog · 07/03/2019 16:06

A friend of mine did exactly this. The father of her baby wasn't on the scene at all so she was single and free to do she pleased. It never occurred to me that there was anything ick about it..

HerSymphonyAndSong · 07/03/2019 16:06

“He would appear to be strange if he wants sex with a woman who is pregnant by another man.”

Why though? This seems to be taken as a given but I want to know why

Easterbuns1 · 07/03/2019 16:07

God forbid the new man actually sees her as a woman to be desired and not a walking incubator for another bloke.

I can't believe so many people think it's grotesque, not everyone wants to be celibate during pregnancy and we don't know the details of why the OPs friend has been left single, in fact it shouldn't matter anyways she is a grown woman!

BananaDaiquiri · 07/03/2019 16:08

I think it's fine if they are both comfortable. I'm genuinely surprised that most people on this thread disagree. Just goes to show, horses for courses and all that.

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