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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask opinions on sex while pregnant with a man who's not the dad

445 replies

blackcoffeeinbed · 07/03/2019 14:59

What are people's opinions on having sex with someone you have met at 25weeks pregnant after being single for 3 months after splitting up from baby's dad?

Have had a friend ask my opinion on wether I think this is acceptable. I was a bit surprised by her asking and didn't really know what to say. I ended up saying it's her life and her body and if she is comfortable then it's her choice but to make sure she uses a condom as she hasn't known this guy long. She responded that she doesn't know if she should because it feels wrong while she has her baby inside her still, I said that if she is unsure then not to pressure herself.

I've never really thought about it tbh and usually I'm just of the opinion what people do isn't any of my business, but reflecting on it now I don't think I personally would if i was her, I can't put my finger on why exactly but then I've never been in her position! What do others think? Would you? Wouldn't you? Have you?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 09:28

I didn’t say she was going to be a poor parent or that she’s chaotic

I know you didn’t. But you responded to a reply I made to someone who just did

I asked you whether you were concerned about someone that is already emotionally fragile, that has recently split with the father of her unborn baby, that chooses to sleep with someone she’s just met when she’s already beginning to look heavily pregnant

And again no not necessarily. From the quote you posted, it wasn’t absolutely clear. There was speculation “if” etc.

If she was my friend I would tell her to be safe, make sure she was doing it because she really wanted to. She doesn’t need to be infantilised.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 11/03/2019 09:28

I did point to it, I copied it!

burritofan · 11/03/2019 09:29

I’m not debating with people who say “be careful”. I’m objecting to people using the grim judgemental phrasing; “vile”, “skank” etc. Fact is for some people sex isn’t an emotional thing. She might just want a fuck. No strings. If they’re safe then there’s no problems.
^ This, 100%.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2019 09:31

It’s not infantilising someone by showing concern when they’re in the situation this woman is fgs.

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 09:35

brookshelley

Here’s a selection of quotes from the first two pages of the thread. Not exactly posting from a genuine point of advice, rather judgement:-

I think its pretty grotesque to be honest

I find the idea repulsive

I find it a bit disgusting really

Eww, it's really trashy

Bordering on a bit gross to be honest

It’s grubby

but I too find it a bit repulsive

THIS is what I have an issue with.

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 09:36

It’s not infantilising someone by showing concern when they’re in the situation this woman is fgs

It is when you’re projecting, only the OP knows (and I’m not convinced she’s sure) how the friend is feeling. Ascribing feelings of vulnerability etc to her without knowing whether that’s correct is infantilising her.

burritofan · 11/03/2019 09:38

It’s not infantilising someone by showing concern when they’re in the situation this woman is fgs.
It is when people are talking about red flags and vulnerability and emotional fragility in relation to a grown woman who's perfectly capable of making sexual decisions for herself.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2019 09:51

I’m not projecting, I’m referring to the OPs posts about her friend.

Have you read any of the OP’s posts?

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 09:59

Have you read any of the OP’s posts?

No. Quite clearly you’re the only person on the thread who has and therefor we bow to your knowledge.

Or, more likely, given its the written word and open to interpretation, we all form our own conclusions, NONE of which are any more than opinion.

burritofan · 11/03/2019 10:01

Yes, I've read all the posts. OP says her friend isn't sure if she should, and canvassed her opinion. OP then started this thread. Which is 45/45 split between gross judgement (vile, repulsive, grim, grubby, eww) and faux concern for the baby: who won't have a clue about this sex, which might not even happen and yet there's talk of revolving doors and jumping from penis to penis. (The remaining 10% of the thread is from sane, non-misogynistic posters.)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2019 10:03

Don’t be a dick. The way you’ve responded comes across as though you’ve purposely ignored what the OP has said about her friend and stuck to your own theory.

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 10:07

Don’t be a dick

Bit ironic dude, to be fair.

The way you’ve responded comes across as though you’ve purposely ignored what the OP has said about her friend and stuck to your own theory

Not at all. I’ve read the posts and STILL think the same. The difference is I’m not convinced mine is the only opinion, nor am I stating my opinion is fact.

MondeoFan · 11/03/2019 10:12

I think no it seems wrong but I'm not sure why

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 10:15

Ok, so been through and re-read the OP's posts.

The OP hasn't confirmed whether her friend has actiually confided in her that she is emotionally fragile or that the OP just assumes there is.

Therefore my opinion stays the same and the OP has given the right advice - and pretty much what I would have said, make sure you want to and use protection.

Nothing to warrant 18 pages of "vile", "skank" and "red flags over parenting".

As I said earlier on, her friend MIGHT be unsure - she may have been working through that by talking to the OP - she either decides she isn't ready and waits, or decides she is ready and cracks on. Neither is the wrong decision provided she is making it of her own free will.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/03/2019 10:27

The OP hasn't confirmed whether her friend has actiually confided in her that she is emotionally fragile or that the OP just assumes there is

So because the OP didn’t actually say “ my friend has told me she’d emotionally fragile “ there might be the chance the Op got it wrong, even though this woman is unsure herself whether to sleep with this new man, she’s recently split from her partner and is 25 weeks pregnant. Yet the OP can see that she’s vulnerable?

What would it take to convince you that it would be a bad idea?

SilverBirchTree · 11/03/2019 10:30

Her body her choice.

Not sure why she is crowd sourcing by asking your opinion.

JacquesHammer · 11/03/2019 10:32

So because the OP didn’t actually say “ my friend has told me she’d emotionally fragile “ there might be the chance the Op got it wrong, even though this woman is unsure herself whether to sleep with this new man, she’s recently split from her partner and is 25 weeks pregnant. Yet the OP can see that she’s vulnerable?

Pretty much yes - there's a difference between friend saying "not sure this is a good idea" and OP taking it to mean she's emotionally fragile".

I don't think pregnancy naturally has to equal vulnerability, I don't think splitting from a partner has to equal emotional vulnerability - but they're often characteristics ascribed to a woman by other's on her behalf.

As I said we can only go on the written word; which can quite reasonably be interpreted different ways. That's why nobody's opinon on here is fact, it's simply opinion.

What would it take to convince you that it would be a bad idea?

The the friend was being coerced into it, of which there is no evidence. Or that the friend thought it was a bad idea but did it anyway.

But then I'm very much of the opinion that sex doesn't need to be full of deep, meaningful context - it can simply be a physical act to get satisfaction. But again we don't know how the OP's friend views sex.

WombatChocolate · 11/03/2019 11:34

Isn't a key point that this is complex and without knowing the full context or about the friend and her attitudes towards relationships and sex it is very hard to say.

It is possible that this could be a good or neutral idea for her. In her late pregnancy she MIGHT be feeling confident and positive about becoming a parent, happy to be rid of last partner and secure in her single status, and MIGHT just be feeling that she wants uncomplicated sex and can have that and walk away with zero impact on her or the baby. She MIGHT have known this other person for many years and think he is likely to be around for a good while and that she wants to get started on this relationship now and and it will deliver good outcome so or her and the baby.

Or it MIGHT not be a good idea for her because she knows that she is unlikely to be able to have sex with this man and walk away with zero impact on herself and that impact might last to the time she gives birth and beyond. It MIGHT be that she is concerned about how this will impact herself emotionally (with knock on effects to the baby in pregnancy and beyond) or that this man will then be around when the baby is born and MIGHT be unsure if that will be a good thing for the baby.

We don't know.

I would say that although Jacques rightly says that not all women feel vulnerable in pregnancy and that some women will want to and be able to have strings -free sex, that actually turns out to be as simple as they hoped, these women are in the minority. For that reason, and because this is a scenario where we don't know the woman and her circumstances, I think any advice given has to be on the cautious side.

This is a woman who is fairly heavily pregnant and who has undergone a significant relationship change in the last few weeks. She was having a baby with the baby's father and now she's doing it alone. However much she wanted that break-up (and we don't know about that) she still finds herself in a situation which probably wasn't what she envisaged. That in itself puts her in a complex situation. She has had to adjust to the idea of parenting alone. She might be entirely happy with that or it might be that she's had to become resigned to it. It wouldn't be surprising if she was emotionally fragile a few weeks after a break up and before having a baby for the first time. She may wellness age the instinct many women have to protect themselves, to aim for stability and to protect herself and the baby. Remember the foetus is affected by what happens to the woman and things like relationship break downs which have already happened impact act on the growth of the foetus. Having undergone a significant event already in this pregnancy she is right to at least be cautious when contemplating this new man. Those who say she should just have sex if she feels like sex, without suggesting first that she cautiously consider it, precisely because of her context sound irresponsible to me. Context is very important for all of us. She will have an idea if if this will just be casual and also of whether she will actually have control of that. Some people claim they can always keep sex casual with zero emotional impact on themselves, but others have hoped for that and found it out of their control and more complicated than when they first embarked on it. It might well be, that being oregnant makes it more difficult to know exactly how you will feel and respond to a situation. Lots of oregnant women are surprised at how they react and feel. It could be that this is likely to become a bit more than just one off sex and friend might be considering if she wants this man around when the baby is born.

Some people have been really unpleasant on this thread. Most have thought it was a bad idea even if they haven't been unpleasant and even if if other circumstances of not being oregnant they would simply say 'go ahead'. I do think being pregnant is a factor here. People urge caution not because they think a single woman shouldn't have sex or a pregnant woman shouldn't have sex or start a new relationship, but because they can see that this woman could very well be vulnerable and the so-called strings free, zero impact on mother or baby sex, could well turn out to have impacts, even if theyvar not intended or wanted. Inthinknits this which makes people urge caution or avoidance but they don't always express it well.

In this situation the friend is unsure. She is seeking advice from OP and it's good that she is carefully considering it. If in any kind of doubt at all, I'd simply say, listen to that doubt and don't do it. She may have an urge for sex but should listen too. O what her instinct so bout whether It's a good idea are telling her. Her life has been complicated enough recently. Unless she can 100% guarantee (and I'm not sure that's possible) that this sex can happen without any impact at all on herself, then for her own self preservation at this time, it's just best avoided.

BlackPrism · 11/03/2019 13:29

I think I'd find it a little icky but if she were to proceed I would require a full sexual health screening dated within the last 2 weeks and condom use. Imagine contracting an STI and harming baby...

jessfarringdon · 11/03/2019 13:34

I'd personally find it weird, but I would never judge someone if they wanted to, I just wouldn't feel comfortable in front of someone knew

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