Nanny problem - dizziness

[Yoonie]

Dear all

Need some advice regarding a new development that concerns my 60year old nanny. When we hired her 6months ago, she was active, vibrant, full of energy and enthusiasm.

After Christmas, she was diagnosed with a dizziness problem (with severe headache and vomiting) and went 2-3times to the doctors to get tested. The blood results came back and she only informed me that there is no cure (no pill) she can take and that she just has to live with it. She has not been forthcoming with the medical condition since then.

Now, as I have had a lot of time after Christmas to stay at home, I noticed a big change in her activities with my 9months old baby. In the past two months, she has not gone out of the house with her. Except the two times that I insisted that she takes her out (it was such a beautiful day!). She went out reluctantly and cited that it is too cold for the baby and that her eyes were runny.

Her attitude has also changed a lot, before she was a positive and energetic person and now when I ask her to prepare meals for my 7 year old son, she insists that she cooks at home and bring them the next day. Once it took her over 2 weeks to bring the food to my son. That was not part of the deal and she asks to be compensated for the extra hours she spent cooking at her house too, which I did not ask. She can in fact cook while my 9months old baby is sleeping but she only does puzzles during the 1.5 - 2 hour nap which she takes two times a day. So I feel a little short changed. She also does not do any little house chores which are in her contract.

She also does not go to fetch old books from my 7 year old DS1, which is on the third floor of the house (town house), which puzzles me as I told her repeatedly that it will be good for DD2 to start to look at books. I suspect that she does not feel confident enough to walk up the staircase and back down.

After talking to my sister-in-law last week, who had an auntie with dizziness problem and stayed home 3 months after fainting, I got scared. I feel very uncomfortable leaving my very active baby in her care. I cannot leave the baby alone for 5minutes as she is crawling everywhere and trying to standing up every second. She can get into trouble any second, if unattended by an adult.

Lastly, when I asked her last week to accompany me and my DS1 for a swimming lesson (it was close to her husband's restaurant), instead of hanging around the swimming pool centre, she insisted on taking her to her husband's restaurant for 45minutes and for me to pick up my baby after the swimming lesson. This involved her driving my baby on the front seat of the car (which she does with her granddaughter, but I was too shocked to even respond). I think she is doing this to protect herself, and her not being forthright about her condition is making me paranoid and uneasy.

Please tell me if I am being paranoid or if I have start taking measures to let her go. My DH is very much against a dismissal based on her fitness to work. But I feel that I have to request from her doctor a written confirmation that she is able to carry on her work with her condition. Am I being too harsh? Please be honest with me. I want to hear your honest thoughts.

@ OffToBedhampton - you are too kind but I also believe in “Karma”. Don’t want to hurt others unnecessarily. Also don’t want her harbouring on bad feelings on my kids in anyway... Guess it is a mother’s instinct to want to protect them and fend off any future harm fron happening. But thank you again, you have been most kind.

And as some of you have suspected, the drama continues... sorry about this,., she wants her job back. She tried to influence my husband into giving her a second chance... she will do everything to make it right this time... and told him that her son’s marriage broke down and his wife left him which is why she’s been feeling very down since January.. My DH told her that it is unfortunate that the relationship with me didn’t work out and that he agreed with my decision so there is nothing he could do at this stage. Was soo impressed with how he handled it!

Anyway, I will agree to talk to her once more (on the phone) but I am now less sure about wanting to let her see my kids again.. this underhanded tactic is just not right. I don’t like it when people try to “play me”.

Oh dear. That was entirely predictable that she wants her job back.

Really - what are you trying to achieve by talking to her one last time? If she hopes to win you round, you will only dash those hopes. If she has another go at you, you will feel guilty all over again. The only possible outcome - since you want different things - is more awkwardness and bad feeling.

Please consider staying away.

@ Imperfectsusan - yes I am now more inclined to think this is a possibility and just told my DH that he has done his bit now so leave the future communication with me in case we make a misstep it will be harder to cover our tracks. He agreed to do so and seems relieved. He’s washed off his hands on this now which makes it easier for me to deal with.

Thank you for the advice on how to structure the relationship/guidelines/etc with the nanny next time. This is really useful. You see, in my previous life as a manager of ten people in three different countries, I took a very different approach, hire the right one, provide them with a good environment/set up in which they can grow and excel and trust that they will succeed. This worked well with me back then... Micro-managing is really not my style. But I think in the private household, I now know that this does not work at all. I have to rethink this... and have to throw my old philosophy out of the window.

I really don’t think there is any point in engaging with her any more. And your children don’t have a relationship with her anyway.
I agree you should just tell her that there is nothing else to discuss

There is nothing left to discuss. She sounds like a manipulative and very underhand person. She broke your trust and has been very disrespectful to go behind your back. Just text her that there is no need for further discussion. Do not let her dictate to you. If you had to let someone go because they were unprofessional and bad at their job in your professional life, you would not entertain any protracted unnecessary communication, so why get sucked into this now. The ex-nanny cannot call the shots or make any demands. She should be grateful you let her go on such good terms for her! Just ignore her. The discussion is over!

Ha! You are SO right! You’ve really hit the nail on the head.

As a director of an agency, I’ve run many different types of teams, in different countries as well as the UK. I’ve been involved in recruitment too.

Then a double whammy, I became very ill, and also had a baby. So suddenly I had to employ various different types of home based people, and I thought it would be fine, as I had so much experience at work. How different can it be? People are people, jobs are jobs, it’s just the context that’s changed right?!

But it’s just not the same.

Some transferable skills? Yes. Absolutely. But it is very much a different animal from in the workplace.

It took me several years to realize that I had to change the way I was doing things, rather than blaming myself for not doing the same things well enough.

Sigh... it’s a learning process!

Wow this conversation will save me years of agony and self-doubt. Thank god that we are able to share this experience in a forum like this! So much to take-away from all of your posts.

hire the right one, provide them with a good environment/set up in which they can grow and excel and trust that they will succeed.

I think your approach is still the right one, my experience was very similar to yours, including managing a big team and then hiring a dud first time around! The hiring step may have gone a bit astray, that's common for many of us employing a nanny for the first time - you hire the person you THINK you need, and it takes time and often a misstep or two to work out who you truly need.

Then in setting up the right environment, for a nanny that also means you need to set up really clear expectations - unlike in an office, they won't be working alongside others or in constant communication, so you need to be really explicit about your expectations. Again, sometimes you might not even really know what these are for a bit. Better to have an over detailed than undee detailed contract.

Another thing I've learned is to treat the probation period seriously and have a regroup meeting at the end of it, as you would at work, it's a good opportunity to discuss things that are working well or not so much.good luck!

Stuck that's a really good point about probation period and being explicit about expectations.

I think Yoonie's approach to business where initiative is important is a great one if you pick well and it's a business that thrives in innovation. I suspect it's much harder when looking at childcare for your own children as there are basics that as parents we'd want to have more of a say over. It's good to think of those and maybe write a policies book. Then it can be referred to in contract and continually updated like a business does with (dated) notice to nanny of change in policy that she signs she has read and agrees to. 😁

You could have a use of /travelling in car policy, a health and safety policy in the house, a use of play pen policy, a visitors to house policy, a mixing with relative's/friends policy, a food for children policy, a social media policy, etc ..so contract says adhere to policies, this will include but is not exclusive to....(list policies).. same as any business would have. And review probation period monthly formally.

OffToBedhampton - Def. lots of good points here. Will be adding those in the contract next time or maybe add a few more on the addendum part of the contract as list of policies. Thank you

@Yoonie

happy to have helped in my small way 😍😍😎😎 XXX

Not read all TFT but Money us a freakishly weird place some times

I think there's this teeny weeny thing called age discrimination and I also think your a journo

FFS, ... 'Mumsnet is a freakishly weird place sometimes'