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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nanny problem - dizziness

189 replies

Yoonie · 07/03/2019 11:06

Dear all

Need some advice regarding a new development that concerns my 60year old nanny. When we hired her 6months ago, she was active, vibrant, full of energy and enthusiasm.

After Christmas, she was diagnosed with a dizziness problem (with severe headache and vomiting) and went 2-3times to the doctors to get tested. The blood results came back and she only informed me that there is no cure (no pill) she can take and that she just has to live with it. She has not been forthcoming with the medical condition since then.

Now, as I have had a lot of time after Christmas to stay at home, I noticed a big change in her activities with my 9months old baby. In the past two months, she has not gone out of the house with her. Except the two times that I insisted that she takes her out (it was such a beautiful day!). She went out reluctantly and cited that it is too cold for the baby and that her eyes were runny.

Her attitude has also changed a lot, before she was a positive and energetic person and now when I ask her to prepare meals for my 7 year old son, she insists that she cooks at home and bring them the next day. Once it took her over 2 weeks to bring the food to my son. That was not part of the deal and she asks to be compensated for the extra hours she spent cooking at her house too, which I did not ask. She can in fact cook while my 9months old baby is sleeping but she only does puzzles during the 1.5 - 2 hour nap which she takes two times a day. So I feel a little short changed. She also does not do any little house chores which are in her contract.

She also does not go to fetch old books from my 7 year old DS1, which is on the third floor of the house (town house), which puzzles me as I told her repeatedly that it will be good for DD2 to start to look at books. I suspect that she does not feel confident enough to walk up the staircase and back down.

After talking to my sister-in-law last week, who had an auntie with dizziness problem and stayed home 3 months after fainting, I got scared. I feel very uncomfortable leaving my very active baby in her care. I cannot leave the baby alone for 5minutes as she is crawling everywhere and trying to standing up every second. She can get into trouble any second, if unattended by an adult.

Lastly, when I asked her last week to accompany me and my DS1 for a swimming lesson (it was close to her husband's restaurant), instead of hanging around the swimming pool centre, she insisted on taking her to her husband's restaurant for 45minutes and for me to pick up my baby after the swimming lesson. This involved her driving my baby on the front seat of the car (which she does with her granddaughter, but I was too shocked to even respond). I think she is doing this to protect herself, and her not being forthright about her condition is making me paranoid and uneasy.

Please tell me if I am being paranoid or if I have start taking measures to let her go. My DH is very much against a dismissal based on her fitness to work. But I feel that I have to request from her doctor a written confirmation that she is able to carry on her work with her condition. Am I being too harsh? Please be honest with me. I want to hear your honest thoughts.

OP posts:
juneau · 07/03/2019 12:43

She is not doing the job that she is contracted and paid to do. She refuses your reasonable requests. She asks for extra money to do things at home that she could easily do at your home. She is unwilling to climb the stairs or even take your DD outside (twice in 2 months????).

OP I don't understand why your DH is reluctant to terminate this woman's contract, but I would check the small print to ensure that you are in the right in the manner you terminate, then do it immediately. She's simply not up to the job and so she cannot expect you to go on paying her for doing a fraction of what you require. A nanny needs to be fit, healthy, confident and able to cook, clean, go outdoors, take DC to the park, to classes and playdates, school run, etc. This woman doesn't do any of it!

SurgeHopper · 07/03/2019 12:43

I cannot imagine any 60 year-old being fit enough to nanny.

Original poster
Yoonie · 07/03/2019 12:45

She is on two months notice, looking at the contract today. I am not sure that I want her to stay that long though.. It is a pity.

And as many of you have suggested, I agree that it has nothing to do with age or the illness.. I am just trying to understand why she has changed so much so quickly...

I have put up with her all this time, because she is very good with the baby. I can see that they really care for each other. My baby is just so happy to see her as soon as she enters the house and as my mum (her grandma) is not around, I wanted her to feel connected to an older person and help her feel grounded. She was the perfect nanny six months ago. But I fear this is no longer the case... which is really causing me a lot of heart ache...

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 07/03/2019 12:47

If you can afford it, you could pay her the 2 months but tell her not to come in. Then hire someone else.

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2019 12:48

Whatever the reason she can’t/won’t do her job so she needs to go and quickly before she tries to claim she has a disability which might complicate matters for you.
She’s been with you 6 months so has no employment rights (other than discrimination) so it’s not too hard to get rid of her. Obviously her illness isn’t her fault so you need to treat her as kindly as possible and with compassion but you need someone who can safely look after your children and properly interact with them and it sounds like she can’t do that.

Original poster
Yoonie · 07/03/2019 12:54

@ DogInATent - yes, we have her duties in writing (in the contract) both in child care duties (feeding, care, school run, etc) as well as household duties (grocery shopping, cooking and washing). It does not specifically state taking my child out of the house, but I think it is fair to say that this duty should be assumed? I just think it is so unfair to my baby as she loves the swings and she only gets to go out on the weekend. She also keeps her in the play pen for long hours (I have to ask her to let her crawl around and be active)... It is just a pity that my son does not want to be picked up by her as he feels rejected by her.

OP posts:
hellojason · 07/03/2019 12:58

As a considerate employer you made allowances for her but some of this behaviour isn't really reasonable. She's changed a lot in the last few months (perhaps not all to do with her health) and she isn't the person you thought she was. I can't see this getting any better and you can do without the stress so find a new nanny asap.

Good luck!

imprvgselfesteem · 07/03/2019 13:00

Sit down and have a chat with her about what things aren't working...

Becca19962014 · 07/03/2019 13:05

She's probably changed so much because she's scared. Before this happened, whatever it is, she had confidence that anything that "went wrong" would be fixed. Going through tests and being told to just put up with something, especially if it massively effects your everyday life is frightening.

I know that's not your problem but you said you didn't understand why things had changed so much. It's a really difficult thing to go through emotionally because logically everyone thinks they're prepared for things like that but emotionally they're not.

I went through it myself and lost a lot of people from my life who couldn't understand why as I'd been told there was no treatment and it wasn't anything else serious I couldn't just be becca again doing everything I did before because no treatment meant I was stuck with it. She may also now be frightened, as I was, at what else might happen.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 07/03/2019 13:05

Asking to be paid extra for cooking away from your house, is not because of an illness.Sitting around doing fuck all while baby naps is not because of the illness. Not staying at the pool and taking your baby elsewhere and inconveniencing you is not because of the illness

All of this. Not going out with a baby is not ok, and driving with a medical condition and with a small child in the front seat is terrifying. The cooking from home instead of during nap times and then asking to be paid for it is unacceptable.
This would mean dismissal for us.

LesLavandes · 07/03/2019 13:13

You need to let her go. An awful accident could occur.

WhiffofSnell · 07/03/2019 13:21

I cannot imagine any 60 year-old being fit enough to nanny

ODFOD

how old are you?

Original poster
Yoonie · 07/03/2019 13:25

@ Becca19962014 - I found your comments really helpful. I think this is exactly what she is going through. I think she is trying her best to do her job, given the new situation, and is not yet adjusted to her new reality. I think it would be also very hard for her to accept this illness as a person who was so always dynamic and energetic before (which is why we hired her in the first place)... Thank you for sharing your comments and insight into what you went through. This may be exactly what is going through her mind and as she has grown very attached to my baby, she is not yet willing to let go of her "old self". But I feel it is my responsibility as a mom and parent to let her know that she is unfortunately not able to care for my child as she once did...

OP posts:
bellie710 · 07/03/2019 13:28

I used to be a nanny and all the things she is not doing are general nanny duties! Leaving the house shouldn't need to be in a contract as it is common sense.

If I was you I would book various activities for the baby, bookbug music classes etc that mean the baby needs to leave the house. Also give her recipes with the ingredients and tell her you want her to make it during nap times. If she refuses or makes excuses it is easier to say sorry you have to go.

Becca19962014 · 07/03/2019 13:34

yoonie I literally meant it for understanding. It is horribly hard. I was in my 30s when it happened to me and I was eventually forced to give up my career. Letting her go will be hard. It can take a very long time to come to terms with these things, not for everyone but for some people, especially those who were active, it's a horrible shock. Perhaps if you discuss it with her you will find she can find the confidence to try more which is what I would try, doesn't mean you need to of course!

SaturdayNext · 07/03/2019 13:36

there seems to be a consensus that 1) she is simply not doing her job (or she is not able to) and 2) we should sit down and have an honest talk about her condition upfront and 3) let her know that we will be looking for a replacement

I really don't think you should talk about her condition unless she brings it up. In one sense it's none of your business, and it's not relevant. The simple fact is that she isn't doing the job she is contracted to do, and is potentially putting your children in danger - for instance, babies aren't supposed to go in the front seat because of their vulnerability to airbags. So all you need to do really is to say that unless she is prepared to comply with her contract in full, she will have to go.

Original poster
Yoonie · 07/03/2019 13:36

Thank you all again for all your thoughts and comments. I found it very reassuring that my paranoia is indeed justified. Talking with my DH about this problem, he made me feel like I was being petty and over-dramatic. So I started writing down the list of duties on the contract and then noticed that she is not really ticking a lot on the lists....

I will have a proper sit down with him this weekend (he is on a business trip for three days and very stressed) and try to get him to agree on the next measures. I now have the reassurances from all of you to know that I am in the right to put my children's safety as a top top top priority.

I do understand why my DH wants to keep her around, she is nice and pleasant and may remind him of his mum. Also we want to provide stability and consistency in our children's lives. It will be quite disruptive to my baby to lose the nanny only after 6 months (less for my 7 year old DS as he is happy with his school and mates), so DH is surely worried about that....

Thank you all again. Very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 07/03/2019 13:42

My husband has similar symtons which turned out to be Menieres Disease. He is a teacher. He had 6 months off work, lost his driving licence and for quite a while could not go out unaccompanied. There is no way he could have looked after a a baby.

It's a chronic condition with no cure, you just have to learn to live with it but there are some things that work for some people like eliminating salt in your diet and taking betahistamines.

DogInATent · 07/03/2019 13:44

As above, do not mention her health condition in any discussions with her. If you make this about her health condition you are creating potential problems for yourself. Keep it strictly about the fulfillment of her duties.

Original poster
Yoonie · 07/03/2019 13:47

@ SaturdayNext - yes, this is something that I am not entirely sure about. I would rather not bring up her illness as a reason to let her go. But my DH wants to ask her about her condition directly before making up his mind. In my mind, I am more inclined to just list the facts (not fulfilling her contractual duties as a reason) and to let her know that we will put her on notice.. but I am not sure yet what is the way to go forward. I will have to re-read all the posts again carefully and think of a way to provide a more gentle and kinder way to do this... but I am not entirely sure how it will unfold... Guess a few more restless nights awaits...

OP posts:
canadianbanana · 07/03/2019 13:48

I would definitely let her go. If she can’t/won’t do what you have hired her to do, why keep her? She says the condition is not curable, so are you expected to have a nanny who sits on her behind all day? And I would not want someone with dizziness issues driving my children anywhere. Further, if she is unable or frightened to go up stairs, or stand in the kitchen to cook because of dizziness, she is not safe to care for your children. I would simply tell her she is being let go as she is not fulfilling the conditions of her employment contract. Don’t mention the dizziness - no need to set yourself up for a lawsuit. The fact is, she isn’t caring for your children properly.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/03/2019 13:51

There are millions of 60+ year olds looking after children - grandparents.

Betty777 · 07/03/2019 13:52

I agree that it might be best to discuss it without talking about the illness - just bring up the valid points and she can make it about the illness if she wants to raise it.

Either way, she will then have a little time to change her behaviour, but if she doesn't then you have warned her kindly and she can go.

It might be better to do this 1-1, not both you and your husband ,she may feel like she is being attacked

Good luck x

canadianbanana · 07/03/2019 13:53

Also, your children will get over any change in having a new nanny with very little difficulty. They will have people come and go in their lives - teachers, friends, neighbours, etc. Little people are far more adaptable than we give them credit for.

bundesdelboy · 07/03/2019 13:54

There's so many red flags here from an employee and safety pov!

Just get rid of her OP, she's not doing the job per the contract or what you need (the seatbelt aspects alone would make me consider termination).

Leave her medical diagnosis and state out if it, base it on your employer needs Vs what she's not doing. Cover yourself legally on how to get rid safely but do it.