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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not automatically buy my 17-yr-old driving lessons and a car?

268 replies

Dairyqueen2 · 06/03/2019 23:12

... because he seems to think I am! Tbh, an awful lot of his friends seem to have automatically 'qualified' for a car as soon as they hit 17. Have times changed?? When I was in 6th form there were maybe 2 or 3 kids who came by car, but now I feel like it's almost the norm. We can't afford to run a third car, btw, so it's a non- starter anyway! We do live in a rural area, but not a particularly wealthy one ...

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 07/03/2019 01:04

When I was in 6th Form over 30 years ago (at a very average comprehensive), almost everyone learned to drive between 17 and 18 years old. Then they would buy themselves an old banger and trundle about until it died, most mechanical problems could be fixed by yourself or a mate and insurance was pretty affordable. Most of us had Saturday jobs to fund our cars and lifestyles.
I think things have changed massively now, running a car simply isn't feasible on the average earnings of a teenager. I can't see my DCs getting cars until they have graduated and absolutely need one, although I might help them get a license sooner rather than later.

EcclesThePeacock · 07/03/2019 01:11

I guess the solution to the differences in unis is to wait and see where they end up and then if they really need a car consider helping them. Some places for sure, it's bike or travel card.

Alarae · 07/03/2019 01:16

I didn't learn to drive until my second year at university, and even then it was only because my boyfriend (now DH) gave me £250 towards my provisional/driving lessons as a nudge. No expectations from my parents to provide any financial help, as I knew they couldn't provide it.

Didn't bother getting a car until third year, and only then it wasn't needed and was an impulse buy really. I always made sure wherever I lived was close to public transport for uni/town/job. Still love my Fiat 500 though, it's going strong five years on!

When I was in sixth form, only two people out of my friendship group got cars around 17/18. It was a novelty as it meant we could go to McDonald's at lunch, but that was it!

pizzabadger · 07/03/2019 01:31

@Tonsilss
All the unis colleges near me have little or no student accommodation and rent near them is expensive.
Not many kids want to move several hours away from their family and friends to study

To get to the nearest of our local ones from where live takes an hour on the bus. There's only one bus an hour.
To get to the further away ones you have to change bus twice and it takes just under 3 hours

On the other hand if you drive it takes an hour to get to the further away ones and half an hour to get to the closest.

needthisthread · 07/03/2019 01:34

Why do students need to live beyond reach of public transport to their university?

They don't need to. Some of them just do.

Just wondering. Are they living at home with their parents in inaccessible places?

We live rurally, like I said. To get to the city there is no bus. If that is what you mean by inaccessible then yes, they are.

Purpleartichoke · 07/03/2019 01:49

Dd will be getting her learners permit in 4 years. She will be 14 years old. By the time she is 17 she will have at minimum several hundred hours of documented driving experience and a full unrestricted license because she will have had 1 year of lessons, 1 year driving only to school or work, and 1 year driving with some restrictions.

Adversecamber22 · 07/03/2019 02:19

We paid for DS to have lessons, I refused to take him out to practice and there was no way he was driving DH car. He passed after 20 lessons, DH mother offered to pay for his insurance on my car so we are doing that.

elliejjtiny · 07/03/2019 02:39

My dc are younger but I remember lots of my friends getting driving lessons for their 17th birthday. Only one got given a new car though. The rest either got put on the insurance of their mum's car or drove an old banger. I remember 5 of us squeezing into someone's old fiesta, putting £5 of petrol in the tank and going off places.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 07/03/2019 04:48

I was bought some lessons, had to top it up a bit as I wanted to do a short intensive, I didn't have my own car when I first passed at 19 but was insured on my dad's and he'd let me use it in the evenings and at weekends when I was home from uni. I sent to uni in a small Northern city where driving wasn't necessary and the very old city centre was cobbled and pedestrianised. I bought my own first car the summer after I graduated with money I earned. A lot of my friends at sixth form drove and were given lessons and either insured on the family cars or bought their own, with the addition of saved birthday/Christmas money etc. We all worked while studying and first cars were old bangers.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/03/2019 05:02

None of my friends and I, NONE of us, could afford driving lessons let a lone a car plus upkeep of car when I was a teen. Two kids in my school before I graduated had a moped, but no one got a car. No one really had one at college either. A single one hour lesson was £25 or so, depending on what deal you got - none of us could afford that kind of money. I learned to drive when ideas in third year or uni when I'd saved up the money myself. A couple of my friends have only been able to afford to do it in their 30s.

dottycat123 · 07/03/2019 05:51

My 17 year old ds2 has just passed his test 8 weeks after his Birthday, he had 6 x1.5 hours of lessons (paid for by parents) We took him out a lot in the car he purchased and got through its MOT at a cost of £400. He booked and paid for test himself and took test in his own car. I didn't really want him to pass so soon and terrible as it sounds part of me wanted him to fail as I don't like him driving alone with friends in the car.
I was surprised to find that the cheapest fully comprehensive insurance at £1108 a year as the main driver was cheaper by £200 than one with a black box or time restricted driving. He paid a third of this cost. The norm amongst his friends is that parents pay for everything and you have lessons when 17.

Bagpuss5 · 07/03/2019 05:57

I learned to drive mid 20s , I was working then and it was harder to find time. So DCs all got driving lessons and test once 17. Didn't get a car though.

lljkk · 07/03/2019 06:01

I got flamed on MN for not buying DD driving lessons (& a car too, I guess).
Basically the attitude was "if you have savings and no debt then you should pay for them to get driving license ASAP".

Even though we the parents barely drive ourselves.

FixTheBone · 07/03/2019 06:05

DD19 has failed her theory test 3 ?4, times now, so I don't have to worry about it for a bit....

Yogagirl123 · 07/03/2019 06:14

My DS is 17 and learning to drive at the moment. Driving lessons are costing us a small fortune. He hasn’t got a job, as at college, others do I know, but that’s a whole other issue! We have told him he will need to pay for the insurance himself, on my car, we aren’t buying him a car, as he has a brother who will shortly be 16 and we can’t do for one what we can’t do for another. I agree with a PP, easy come, easy go!

Sparklingbrook · 07/03/2019 06:17

I was keen for my two to learn to drive asap.
I also see it as a life skill and it certainly opens doors when job hunting and life in general.
It's easier to do it at 17 while still living at home. I think it gets harder as you get older.

bellinisurge · 07/03/2019 06:18

Car? No way. Lessons? Yes.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 07/03/2019 06:19

When I was at 6th form; everyone learnt to drive, as it was pretty cheap. But this was in the 80s.
Some people were bought cars and others borrowed their mums as insurance was not so eye wateringly expensive.

If your DS has so may car owning friends; surely they can give him lifts.
Also can he not get a Saturday job to pay for lessons and you could chip in in lieu of birthday/ Xmas presents

LovingLola · 07/03/2019 06:22

18 year old dd doing lessons and is insured on my car. Ds has had full licence for last 3 years and is insured on Dh’s car. There is excellent public transport where we live but I see driving as an important life skill. But we won’t be buying cars for them

BlitheringIdiots · 07/03/2019 06:26

DS is 13 and I've just started saving for driving lessons, a car and first years insurance. A bit a month going into a savings account should help in 4-5 years time.

Nancydrawn · 07/03/2019 06:28

This is very American of me, but I learned to drive at 13 (on private roads); I had drivers ed in high school to pass the written test and get a permit; and then my dad taught me how to drive on public roads when I was 16. Lots of terrible experiments with parallel parking in empty mall parking lots. Most people I knew had a cara very beat up car, but a carby junior year of high school. Absolutely part of our culture. No one I knew took formal private driving lessons--we were all taught by relatives or friends.

Nevertheless, no, I don't think you're strange for not wanting to be assumed to pay for something like that. Though it's a life skill, and I find the greater the delay, the more people get anxiety about it. My very NYC cousin didn't learn to drive until he was 30, and he's still an absolute wreck when having to parallel park into a tight spot; meanwhile, my sister and I can drive in pretty much any situation. (I get very braggy about my long-distance driving in snow.)

But certainly, many people I knew had to work for their cars/insurance, one way or another. We were all happy to do so in order to get the freedom of driving unconnected to our parents.

user1487194234 · 07/03/2019 06:32

Paying for driving lessons is the norm around here.We paid and for insurance and they drive my car as I barely use it

justilou1 · 07/03/2019 06:38

Don’t suppose the conversation has inspired him to get a part time job and start saving up for one like a normal person, has it? I have explained to my kids that this is how it’s going to be for them.... if they want to save for a car, then I’m happy to save with them. I will happily set them up an account that they can’t get access to, and will deposit equal amounts into. They can have it when they can prove they have enough to buy, insure & run a car.

JenniferJareau · 07/03/2019 06:46

YABU.

I grew up in the arse end of nowhere with almost non existent public transport and parents having to pay for lessons and buying their kids first car (usually an old banger) was common. How else were they meant to get around? Constant lifts was often just not practical / possible. However the expectation was the kids got a part time jobs to help with the costs of running the car.

How do you expect him to get around once he leaves school? What if he wants to go straight into a job, how will he get to work if there is little public transport? In my mind you should pay as you decided to live somewhere quite inaccessible, your sons should not have to suffer for your choices.

CandyflossKid · 07/03/2019 06:50

I have twins of 17. I have said that if they want driving lessons then they need to get a part time job to help pay for them, as there is no way I can afford 2 lots of lessons.
They are not really bothered at the moment which I'm quite happy about as I still thi k they are too immature to drive yet!