Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

[Eliza9917]

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

My father died in agony, clutching at the morphine drip in his chest. He suffered until the very last moment. There was no slipping into peaceful sleep. With his last breath he was in pain.

I agree with euthenasia completely. We don't put animals through what we put people through. I couldn't imagine sitting waiting for the end with a terminal diagnosis. My relative went into the hospice 3 weeks or so before they died. So they had to sit there and wait to die basically. They knew why they were there. Personally I'd give people a choice once at a certain stage in their illness.

I recently read a lot around near death experience. A very common theme was that people in the process of dying - even in the most traumatic circumstances described a detachment from the trauma and pain. They were aware of their body reacting in a very distressed manner but it was as though the 'real' them was a 'calm' observer to the event. They described an almost serenity, an absolute and peaceful acceptance.

I obviously have no way of verifying this but it did bring me a sense a comfort. That what we observe and what we think the dying person is feeling or experiencing may not be what it seems.

Another person who thinks euthanasia should be legal. Although the last 2 days of my grandfathers life seemed peaceful the year leading up to it was just awful, he was given 3 months to live but it dragged on and on, he was bed ridden and would just lie there crying because he was unable to do the things he used too, up until that year he was really active so it was horrible for him.

I've never been there for the actual end but I have been there very close too.

My grandfather had terminal cancer and lasted about 6months. I am still scarred by the 6months because he "looked" dead already. The tumours were visible on his body and he lost so much weight. He was frightened of dying, at the age of 75. That really upset me because my Nan had always told me that you become more accepting as you age. I visited him a few hours before he died and he was awake in the hospice, but struggling to breathe or talk. His eyes were very awake though and he seemed to suddenly panic so I stroked his hair and told him it would be ok and I loved him. We told him we all loved him. We had to leave but a nurse sat with him that night when he went. I imagine he panicked before he did. His end was not peaceful but I was a relief when he went as he had suffered so.

My other grandad "felt a bit strange" and thought he better "pop to hospital". He was 89. He went there and had just been admitted, talking and sitting up. My uncle went to get a drink, came back and he had passed away in the 10minutes. This grandad had wanted to die for 10years because he missed my Nan so much. We all felt he had almost made a choice to go as his son left. I think his was peaceful.

It's a good question and I can't understand people complaining or even the ones who won't go into detail. Death should be talked about and out in the open.

My dad knew he only had days left (lung cancer) and was sat watching tv on the couch. The dying process began by him feeling really hot, he kept saying he was burning up. Then he was getting agitated and kept asking my mum to open/close windows, get this get that, just seemed really stressed. Then he suddenly needed the toilet but couldn't get up, his legs stopped working. So my mum and brother carried him to the commode the hospital had given him, he tried to go to the toilet but instead fell forwards onto the floor and let out a death rattle noise and he was gone. Apparently the need to go to the toilet before death is your organs failing, it feels like you need to go. I would say it wasn't peaceful but quick at least.
It was strange to think my dad went through the dying process while watching countdown and eggheads and still answering the questions!

You know, in a strange way this thread is quite therapeutic. I used to have this unrealistic idea of what death would be like and that it would be totally different to life. The responses on this thread have varied so wildly, it seems that death is exactly like the rest of life. We all experience pain/love/life totally differently. We all experience illness differently. We have all experienced pain and shock and anguish but are just alive to remember it. In a bizarre way I feel a little more comfortable knowing that death is the same. Not sure why but thank you to those who have shared.

I have never seen a death.

Having read this thread, I intend to try to educate myself a little better.

my mum died in the shower. I dunno if it was peaceful but im guessing so and she deserved an non painful death even though she went young

In terms of relatives, I’ve not seen the final moments but have seen two close family members close to death. On both occasions they were distressed and low. One would have certainly taken the option of assisted dying. His quality of life was low and he had given up. I’m sure that hastened his passing as although he was very sick, we weren’t expecting him to die when he did. His death wasn’t peaceful by all accounts and I think he would have been scared.

The other wouldn’t have taken the option of assisted suicide but by the end I was desperate for her to die. I found it very hard to visit and see what had become of her life. Once she had gone into the care home she had given up. She knew she’d effectively gone there to die, she didn’t want her friends to visit, she didn’t want to bring photos. It was just sad. She still had a quality of life when she was in her own home and had lots of visitors etc but she just grew to Ill to stay and die at home as she had wanted. Despite having family with her pretty much constantly, she died in a 5 minute period when my dad popped to the loo and she was alone. Apparently it was peaceful and she just slipped away. I like to think that was her deliberately choosing and taking back the last bit of control about her time of passing.

It is very common for people to die in those minutes when the relative has just popped out.

@caxx I am so so sorry for your loss. I can not even imagine what you must’ve gone through.

I was there when my Dad died from cancer it was awful despite the morphine driver and drugs he was in immense pain. I agree with someone up thread I believe I had PTSD after witnessing it and I know my BIL was signed off work for a while (despite working in the medical profession he struggled to deal with it.)

I saw someone die in a car accident honestly that was more peaceful as he was unconscious.

We need to be talking about how we manage death so more people have a ‘good death’. And there is such a thing.

My husband didnt have a peaceful death apart from the last hour or so as his heart finally gave up,, his breathing slowed and he was gone. But the week it took him to get to that stage was awful. He was in a hospice for that last week and even they struggled to control his pain. He had 2 morphine drivers and was heavily sedated but as his cancer had reached his bones the pain was just so severe that it kept bringing him round again. We was told the end was near on the Saturday morning and the hospice advised anyone who was going to be there to come now. He didn’t draw his last breath until the following Friday morning. Even the nurses were astounded and asked is there anyone he could be waiting for but no there was no one. Then I thought maybe he wanted to slip away when I wasn’t there so I made a pint of leaving for 30 minutes each morning and I told him even though he was barely conscious that if he wanted to go without me being there than that was fine but still he breathed on.
My husband could be stubborn and he was making that bastard grim reper work to take him as he didn’t want to go and even in extreme pain he held on as long as possible.

I think ‘peacefully’ means more about being non resistant; that you are not fighting it. It means you accept your fate and give up to death. The physical discomfort is part of this, but to me the peaceful part is more spiritual.

I've seen plenty of deaths. Some are "peaceful", some are definitely not. When you read in a death notice that someone died peacefully, maybe someone is just trying to reduce the family's sadness. In my job, I've told family members "he/she died peacefully" , just to reduce their distress . It doesn't serve any purpose to say that the person died of choking on their own secretions or gasping for breath.

I think the hope is always that someone will die peacefully, however, even if this isn’t the case it’s always worth remembering that they are ultimately at peace once they have passed.

I think it’s also worth remembering sometimes that even assisted suicide is not always a peaceful passing, just as having an animal put to sleep sadly sometimes isn’t either... [sad[ but ultimately the person is at peace, so there needs to be as much support for those left behind as is possible, and we need to be allowed to talk about it.