Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

[Eliza9917]

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

@Caxx I'm so sorry. That is just beyond imagining. 💔

ivykaty44

What? Don't understand your reply to me at all?

As I said, having questions around death is fine; insensitively quizzing others and being unable to imagine that not everyone slips gently into unconsciousness, is not, in my view.

There is no need to answer any questions or be quizzed on a forum - just hide the pist

Post - sorry not pist

Honestly ivykaty44 this This seemed to be how people died, in their 70s and 80s and without an illness makes NO sense.
Yes people die, and have always done, in their sleep.
But routinely, people DON'T & didn't die like this and without an illness. Many people died without palliative intervention in ways that would be hard to imagine now, as so many advances have been made

@ivykaty44 you're still making no sense. I'm talking about the OP is doing ie her approach, and I'm perfectly entitled to do so.

Your replies are really hard to read / understand.

@earringsandlipstick - the OP’s musings are not stupid. Clearly the post has upset you but why did you come on it when it had a trigger warning and it was quite clear what it was about?

@Canshopwillshop like other posters said, I came on it thinking the OP wanted support / advice related to a pertinent situation.
I'm entitled to do that!
I am annoyed and upset, you're right - how she's phrased what she asked is very badly done and the part about 'everyone going unconscious' is particularly daft. Surely most people, regardless of their experience, can imagine different scenarios prior to death?

Yes yabu and incredibly stupid and insensitive to ask about what a non peaceful death would be, fuck sake.

I really don't think so. It's addressing what for many people is a very natural fear, on their own behalf or that of someone they love. Death has become one of our great social taboos; to the extent that the whole thing is shrouded in such mystery that fears like this can become magnified, as 'nice people don't talk about that'.

Nobody who is uncomfortable with answering this question is compelled to do so. It might even help other people, including the OP.

The deaths I've witnessed have very thankfully been peaceful, OP, in that my loved ones were probably beyond knowing what was happening to them by the time the end came. It was the process of getting there that was so bloody awful.

Sending you strength, whatever your circumstances are x

My partner had an horrific death, his lungs haemorrhaged & he died fighting to breathe, drowning in his own blood, he had cirrhosis of the liver from alcohol addiction, he was only 34. My dad died 7 weeks ago from kidney failure, he was ill on & off for months & was finally admitted to hospital. Over the space of 9 days we were called to the hospital 4 times because they thought he was dying, the day before he died they finally sedated him & put him on a syringe driver, my mum & brother had been at the hospital since 7.30am, the doctor made the decision to sedate him by 11.00am but it took until 2.00pm for them to fit the syringe driver, they stayed until 5.00pm but the doctors didn't think he was going to die in the next few hours so they came home, the next morning the hospital rang at 7.40am by the time we got to the hospital through the rush hour traffic at 8.55am my dad had passed away at 8.45am without my mum & us with him. I don't call it a peaceful death because to me a peaceful death is with your loved ones being there to hold your hand as you pass away.

I don’t think the OP was remotely unreasonable to try and find out about something she didn’t know about. And it was clear what the thread was about from the title. It’s terrible how little some of us (including me) know about death, and talking about it is a good thing. And not obligatory to anyone who doesn’t want to talk about it.

My DF and DBIL both died in the last year. Neither had loved ones with them at the time. Apparently DF had not been treated well by hospital staff on his last day of life, and DSM had been sent home, so he died alone.
I can hardly bear to think what his death was like, and what he was aware of or feeling at the time.
DBIL also died alone, and not in hospital. I wonder if he was aware of anything, or panicking.
It breaks my heart thinking about them both.

Both my parents went peacefully. Dad was in a hospice and it was as good as it could be. He just stopped breathing. My mum was taken off life support and basically snored until she passed. It was like watching someone who had too much to drink and had passed out.
Only strange bit was that she had a pacemaker so it looked like she was still with us even though she had died.

I can see how lucky they were....as was I

I don’t think the OP was being stupid or insensitive at all. I’ve learned a lot from this thread.

I understand why some people have been upset or angered by this post. It's a sensitive subject, and to some people, the answers to the OP's questions will be painfully obvious.

However, many of us are very ignorant about death. I have never witnessed the moment of someone's passing. I have never even seen a dead body. And although I have lost loved ones, nobody has ever really talked about how they actually died. We don't really talk about this stuff in our society, so if you can't ask on an anonymous internet site - with appropriate trigger warnings - then where else?

A friend of mine lost her mum recently. She didn't share details, but I know that it was a shocking, traumatic end. I don't think our avoidance of the topic helps those who have to experience such things.

Thanks to all who have felt able to share their experiences on this thread. We need to share this stuff more openly, I think. I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I’ve had three deaths in six months, two were close family (think immediate family), one a friend. Two accidents and one palliative.

One hard thing to adjust to was how little I knew about death, about what would actually happen. It also meant friends didn’t know how to support us or what to do/ say.

We need two different threads really - this one about what death involves, and another about grief and the grieving process.

I personally haven’t found OP’s post insensitive, but am aware I’m a bit numb to grief at the moment. Everyone grieves differently, and at different paces. We’re all at different stages so it’s to be expected that some are upset.

However I’m not surprised by the idea that most people think death is peaceful - I mean other than road accidents, heart attacks, murders etc. I for one thought people just slipped out of consciousness, most of my friends had assumed the same. Even when people on this thread say “a non peaceful death” I don’t know what that means, do people call out and panic? I don’t want to know, but it is good to be prepared. Not knowing can be worse and makes me feel death has dominance over me, but I want to be prepared.

Procrastinatingpeacock describes very well a death with hospice care. They manage the “process” well, so it just slows to a stop. Pain relief and sedatives help tremendously.

will never be enough to everyone who’s lost a loved one, especially a child.

I hope you all feel supported. Perhaps we should have a grief thread.

• a third thread - for those currently caring for a loved one who’s dying. We have loads of tips, the only good thing to come of a horrid death (any death) is if you can help someone else going through the same.

Ultimately none of us have control over how we’ll go. You just have to have a happy life as much as you can, and let those close to you know they’re loved. So when you go, you know you loved and were loved. I think that brings peace.

My father died struggling to breathe.
The week and a half leading up to his death was horrific.
Once his consultant had deemed him terminal, he was allowed enough morphine to stop him battling for every breath and he was able to rest and actually die without terror or pain. It was hard for us but so much easier for him.

I couldn’t disagree with Earrings more.

zoo - thank you for starting the thread.

Earrings - hide the thread and move on

EarringsandLipstick

Yes yabu and incredibly stupid and insensitive to ask about what a non peaceful death would be, fuck sake.

100% this.

I can't believe you'd ask this OP

Those of us, for a myriad of reasons, who have witnessed a death, or lead up to, that wasn't peaceful have to live with that in addition to our grief. It's awful, personal & affects everyone in a different ways. It shouldn't be the subject of prurient questioning and quite stupid musings on your part

Would it have helped though if you had known what to possibly expect?

Back in the day, people died at home and people knew what the signs were and what happened and what to expect.

Nowadays, people don't unless they've seen it, and then they only know of what they have experienced.

If you don't ask questions, no one tells you this stuff.

I don't think it is an inappropriate question or topic at all. There is such a taboo around death and the process of dying which creates so much unnecessary fear and anxiety. I highly recommend the book called 'With the End in Mind' by Dr Kathryn Mannix - a palliative care doctor with years of experience of dying.

The overwhelming message was that death is typically very peaceful for the person experiencing it.

Within the last two years I lost both parents, my MIL, my younger cousin and my SIL. We need to talk about dying more because death is something we all have to deal with sooner or later.

In the Victorian era, and of course before, many mothers lost at least one child to things that are easily prevented or cured today. Death was often romanticized. Nowadays illness, even old age itself is considered a battle which we must not let defeat us. If we die of cancer they write in your obit 'she lost her battle with cancer' or whatever. So they are basically saying you died a loser.

People who say being surrounded by loved ones is a peaceful death have never met some of my in-laws. They don't let you even think in peace, let alone die in peace. I'd hate to die to the sound of someone crying as well.

I consider a non-peaceful death when you leave this world the same way you came in - naked and screaming.

My father and my FOL (father-out-law) both died in their sleep; my mum has said that she heard my dad make a strange grunting noise but nothing more and, when she woke up again he was dead. I'm inclined to think of those deaths as, if not 'peaceful', then not too traumatic. My grandad died shortly after getting up, the way my grandmother described it was that they were chatting, getting dressed for breakfast, and when she turned round towards him, he was dead. (He had been ill for some time but was considered well enough to go on holiday...) I think the best we can hope for is that death comes fast when it comes to us, though not everybody gets that.

but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?
You day this and then quantify people dying through old age or illness. So how is it possibly beyond you to imagine the last time you were ill yourself- then magnify that feeling (was it peaceful? Enjoyable? Relaxing?) by 10 or 100 or 1000. It is not that you have questions about death that I have an issue with- but that you are somehow asking people to describe things so awful that reliving or imagining just is only going to do harm. It’s like bloody death-porn or something... and if you’d just reflected on your own so called questions for more than a few minutes I am sure you could have come up with your own answers without making other people relive horrible memories for you to “learn from”.
Sorry for all those here who have suffered losses, especially the little boy, that’s truly heartbreaking

Some of the harsher critics of the OP are being very very unfair to what is a question she asked with an adequate warning that some might find it upsetting.

Talking about death and how to ensure a ‘good’ one and as peaceful as possible shouldn’t be shut down.

If you’re upset by the thread move on or hide it.

My dads was very peaceful. Unfortunately we couldn’t quite get to him in time so a nurse that he knew sat with him. She said he looked up and smiled, said his mum “is here with my cadet uniform” then fell asleep.

My grandads wasn’t peaceful at all. He was in pain, and scared. A horrible difference.