Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

[Eliza9917]

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

Agree raspberry . Many people
Have a degree of PTSD after a bad death

Some cannot be avoided ie horrific accidents

But most can and should be hastened for little cost and much benefit

I know my dad went in peace because the Macmillan ladies came and administered what they had to . It’s very easy and should be standard

If we just fucking had honest conversations this could be the norm and would benefit everyone concerned

My grandfather had a peaceful death - out of conciousness and died in his sleep. My husband’s grandparents also died in their sleep - he was holding one of their hands and says he just slipped away. To me - that’s peaceful.

Im really grateful for this thread OP. I've luckily never been around anyone who has died and I believed that in most cases people literally close their eyes and stop breathing.
Im so sorry to everyone who has lost someone.

coco123456789 I would be worried about that nurse! I worked in a nursing home and lots of deaths were at night, but it wasn’t because we were euthanising people to make sure family weren’t present (). We always made an effort to let family know in time for them to get there if we thought death was imminent.

I haven’t witnessed a death but my maternal grandma died peacefully- she was on her own, watching tv and eating an apple. Her heart simply stopped and she fell asleep. She was only 63 but, to me, had a peaceful death.

My other grandma was 99, had dementia, poor mobility, double incontinence and was in a home. She was unconscious for two days before she took her final breaths. To me, her death didn’t sound as peaceful.

Question which may trigger some, sorry for asking but it has always been on my mind since I was with my DM when she died of cancer.

In the few days before she died she was very agitated and definitely frightened. She 100% knew she was dying and was terrified. She couldn’t talk but tried to communicate with us. The thing that I was really unprepared for was that she seemed too scared to close her eyes, even to blink, that the whites of her eyes started to get brown spots on them... is this normal / common? was it through fear or was there another reason she didn’t blink?

In answer to the OPs original question, I think fear and pain make for a much less peaceful death

My dad died with Parkinson's and it was very peaceful. He took a cup of tea to bed, closed his eyes and never woke up again. They said his heart gave out. I'm so grateful it was such a gentle passing although I'll forever regret that I wasn't there.

One of my relatives did not pass peacefully. She had cancer and before her actual death she was gasping, grabbing at tubes and her bed, hours before that she was very confused shouting mummy and other family names. She was in distress. I wish they would have given her something more to relax her, It was awful and very distressing to watch.

My dad died in ICU from multiple organ failure after a massive blood infection at the age of 66. He was fine in the morning, in pain and non-lucid 6 hours later and unconscious and on life-support within 12 hours. We agreed to life-support being switched off the following day. The hours immediately preceding his death were painful and frightening but he didn't know that he was dying before he became unconscious and in my mind this was preferable to a protracted painful illness.

I think a lot of us have lost loved ones to cancer.
Without the medication I'm sure the death would be painful as the lead up to it would have been.

But thank goodness we have that medication.
Once that morphine driver goes in you know the end is near.

I wasn't with my mum when she passed as it was at night and I had a newborn but I was there a few hours before and her breathing was very shallow. I was told she just slipped away.

I think we need to talk more about death and what to expect.
My DP went in to see his mum an hour or so after she died and was shocked with how she looked. He is still struggling with that image.
A bit more preparation on what to expect would have gone a long way.

I think it's an old expression which harks back to the days when religion governed every aspect of human life, and people wanted a good death which involved a priest absolving them of sins, they'd ask to have masses for their souls said after they've gone, arranged for their debts to be paid etc etc while they were in death bed in their last moments. If they managed that they could now die, and that would be "in peace' with their consciousness. Alternatively, if someone was butchered in a battlefield and didn't have a chance to prepare for death, that would be a very bad death indeed.

So I think today it means simply not dying in pain, but originally it meant a good Christian death.

Why is it an unreasonable question? this is the internet not anybody's private living room. Ask what you like - and if you don't like it don't get involved in the discussion.

If we just fucking had honest conversations this could be the norm and would benefit everyone concerned Well, this is it. Goes with so many things in life and death! Open and honest instead of fear.

Dina I agree re: the medications given during end of life care.
It blows my mind how we allow humans to suffer through long illnesses and then give medications to “soothe the passing”, when if our dog or cat has cancer for example we often just euthanise them quickly and painlessly.
I hate that animals often have more dignity in death than the people we love the most.
Honestly, in the case of my friend that I talked about earlier, if I could habe done something to make his death quicker, without either getting myself killed or facing a murder charge, I would have.

I've only witnessed one death, that of my grandmother who was suffering terribly with dementia. She had deteriorated rapidly over the period of 2 months, refusing food and water and was put on end of life care.
The last time I saw her, she was in bed groaning and trying to communicate and there was a rasping of breath which I assume to be the death rattle described in previous posts. She seemed very unsettled and quite possibly in some pain. The nurses came shortly after I arrived and administered some pain relief and i think a sedative which calmed her very quickly. Within half hour she was peaceful. The groaning stopped and she closed her eyes. She had her family all around her. Her breathing slowed and became more shallow, and less frequent. We were all chatting around her when I decided to check because she hadn't taken a breath in a little while, and she had passed. Quietly, and without distress. But the hours leading up to her death were not peaceful. Whether her death could therefore be described as peaceful I don't know.

I firmly believe that this is a conversation that needs to be had, to help us to know what possibly to expect at end of life. I'm sorry some people have found the topic so distressing.

Our hospice was wonderful. They put a bed up next to Dad so mum could climb in and cuddle him.

I've witnessed a few deaths but the most peaceful, quickest and easy by far was euthanasia in Belgium. They asked her what she wanted (to go to sleep and not wake up in the morning) and she got what she wanted. Called a friend first, said goodbye to her kids, was sedated while holding hands with her kids. They let her be sedated ("sleep") for a few hours, then gave her a shot (after the doctor said goodbye and stroked her hair€ and her body just instantly died. there was no pain, no suffering. When they gave her the shot her heart and lungs just stopped and she was gone in mere moments. It was done very personal and comforting. I wish people and countries wouldn't be so difficult about euthanasia, it really can be the perfect death.

Euthanasia can also bring immense ethical problems. It can very easily shift culture to the point that people feel obliged to ask so they are no longer a burden.

Granny had a DNR, but that still means that the hospital does a huge amount of interfering with her prior to her going into cardiac arrest. She was 93, her mind totally destroyed by dementia, she'd been dragged back from the brink half a dozen times that year, each time a little bit frailer. I kept saying stop interfering with her, you aren't making her better, but until she goes into cardiac arrest they have a duty to treat. In her last hour she thrashed and fought for life and she chewed through her lip.
I hope the law changes to allow euthanasia before my time comes. My cat was treated with more dignity than my granny.

My husband passed away after we switched off his ventilator. It wasn’t peaceful, it was violent and painful and long.

@picklemepopcorn
But that hasn't happened in countries where it is legal, so is that really a good reason for other countries not to legalize it?

I can't find any links right now, but I've heard interviews with people with disabilities who feel anxious and under pressure.

I'm not anti, just think it's not as straightforward as it looks. There are risks.

I live in a country where it is legal and I can assure you that that is not happening. It's not that easy to arrange, you need to be suffering without hope for getting better (like dying from cancer) and two independent doctors need to sign it.

Just being disabled wouldn't get you euthanised, even if you wanted to.

I’ve heard of cases in the US of “physician assisted suicide” which is only legal in a handful of states.
2 doctors have to study the patient’s medical history and prognosis in depth, they have to have an evaluation by a mental health professional to ensure they are sound of mind and making this decision freely, and from what I understand, they have to be physically able to administer the lethal dose of barbiturate to themselves after it’s been prescribed by one of the physicians signing off.
I’d love for this to be the case in the U.K.
I’d definitely make that choice for myself to save myself and my family the emotional and physical suffering that comes with dying from a prolonged illness.