Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

[Eliza9917]

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

I’ve luckily not had to experience this myself, but John Humphries has written a really good book called ‘The Welcome Visitor’ which talks about the idea of a ‘good death’. I’d really recommend it.

Thank you for asking OP and to those who have answered so honestly. My DM is in her 90s, she is terrified of having cancer (almost a phobia I would say). I have promised her that I will do everything in my power to ensure that her death will be calm and pain free and I am worried that I won’t be able to keep that promise.

My darling DF was all on his own in hospital, we had been expecting him to come home the next day and instead we got a call to say he had died. He had been dying From cancer for five years and starved himself to death. It was the most dreadful thing to watch. He is the reason that we have money set aside for a visit to Switzerland should the need arise.

💐 to all those who have lost loved ones.

I was on the stomach ward.and there was a huge breakout of something and they were qaurenteed.i have never heard pain scream and noises like it.some did go quitter but im not sure how close to at death this was. I saw 6 people wheeled out with the black coverings over the trolleys.
I was such a young girl and it has stayed with me ever since.and took me a long time to get passed (never have)it.

i actually think the more death is talked about and whether deaths have been peaceful or not the better as then perhaps people can start to get better care around death and not have to suffer painful deaths where at all possible.

If we don’t talk about the painful deaths how can we make them better - it does matter that people have a decent death and are able to die as they wish, at home or in hospital, with family or alone with staff etc.

If we don’t ask questions how are we to learn
If you don’t like the title of a thread and it’s very clear, don’t read the posts

My MIL had a peaceful passing by the general understanding. She was unconscious, her breathing slowed and ultimately she died.

I found it profoundly upsetting to watch. I was only 21 at the time though.

Do understand what you mean but think it's more a general term used to try and ease the burden and maybe give the person dignity whilst telling others.

In reality most people (expected illnesses and such) do die peacefully. I never honestly met or knew of anyone that was dying and whose actual moment of death was anything but a peaceful one. It's often beforehand when people struggle but the moment itself I honestly haven't known anything other than it being peaceful for them. Always very hard for the loved ones looking on of course.

I dislike it when someone who has recovered from cancer is said to have beaten or in some way fought hard enough to “beat” it. Seems a silly and trivial thing to pick up on at all but it somehow suggests those who lose their life to cancer maybe didn't find hard enough.

Same when someone dies and it's reported in the news and whatnot. No matter what the person will be described as nothing other than a really lovely person and I wonder if at some point we'll ever hear a frank and honest “Oh yeah right.. I didn't like him / her really they did nothing but cause grief and aggro”

Just one of the many things that irk me in some way or other but I realise it's often just a word or saying and doesn't alter anything but yeah – I do get what you mean.

When my then partner passed away, he was at my mums house when he started to get chest pains, little did any of us know he was having a heart attack.
At first we didn’t think it was serious because he said it just felt like a pulled muscle, but it all happened quite quickly.
I spoke to him moments before he became semi unconscious, he tried talking to my mum and he couldn’t get his words out properly, to this day I wish I knew what he was trying to tell her.
So traumatic for my poor mum
She told me he didn’t seem like he knew what was happening, but I don’t know if that was said to help with the grief

A relative had an alcohol related, very unpeaceful death. Evidently he had been vomiting blood and was found in a pool of it at the bottom of the stairs, clearly on the way to the bathroom. We're still unsure as to whether he fell, or just didn't make it any further. It was very distressing for everyone, as, despite all his problems, it was a death that you'd wish on no one.

My Nan died at home, her son found her laying on the floor with a broken hip. She was distraught because she had been there for several days, in pain, thirsty and having wet herself. She died in her sons arms a few minutes after he found her, I don’t think that was a peaceful death.
I can imagine lots of ways a death would not be peaceful, housefire, murder, etc.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I think as a nation it is unreasonable that we dont talk about death.

Im happy to talk my experiences - My dad died when he was 54, he'd had cancer for exactly 12 months and two weeks. He died at his sisters home where he wanted to be. For the most part it was quick, I spoke to him on the Saturday and he declined on the Sunday. They set him up on a syringe driver (a constant stream of pain relief, anti sickness, medication for terminal agitation). He wasn't too bad at first - he doing strange things such as waving and putting his thumbs up to people (I do believe he was seeing people on some other side, believe what you like though).

He became agitated and tried to pull out his line, then he shot up saying he was in pain and then he lay back down and went. It was actually quite a shock but I would still say he had a good death.

I now work in children's palliative care and have been a student in an adult hospice. Some deaths are not as good, and the process can be long. The rattle noise imo doesn't mean the death isn't peaceful.

I was alone with my Dad when he died in hospital. It was without question the most horrific thing I have ever seen and as far from peaceful and you can possibly get. I’ve actually had several sessions with a therapist because of it.

Despite the warning, this post has upset me a lot. Both my dps had an apparently peaceful death but I'm now wondering how peaceful they were.

I agree it's not a bad thing to ask. I haven't been with anyone in this situation and it's good to hear what it can be like, in case I am one day, as most of us will be. It must be worse if you don't know what to expect and you are just imagining "peacefulness" and it's not like that.

I knew someone who died of cancer and I wasn't there, but I do know he was given an option of being sedated so that he would definitely be asleep when it happened, and saying goodbye to loved ones beforehand, which he chose. He then slept for the last couple of days and died peacefully in his sleep, without waking up.

I honestly don't think many peoples passing is peaceful. But, it does no harm really for staff and such to tell relatives it was, might make them feel better.

I was there for my uncles 'death rattle' and it also seemed he was fitting. He was on copious amounts of morphine too so technically you would think it was easier. Never the less, the staff told my mother it was peaceful and he felt no pain etc etc. I did not tell her. No reason to.

Greywalls12 your story of the elderly patient's death sounds eerily like the end for my DM. Probably not, but thank you for being so caring and lovely with someone's mother.

Wow, I am so sorry for that post, I really should have read the whole thread first rather than post my opinion/experience first. I feel awful now.

To be honest, I think "passed away peacefully" is one of those almost meaningless overused sayings as a comforting platitude to every one.

When have you ever read passed away screaming in horrific pain and agony in an obituary? I certainly haven't.

Not saying there aren't peaceful passings and not so peaceful ones. But when you hear "passed peacefully" it's likely to be a token of comfort.

Vixxy you can report your post and ask for it to be deleted, if you're worried it could upset people. I'm not telling you you should, at all, just FYI.

When I was younger in the 70s people died in their sleep, they never woke up in the morning. This seemed to be how people died, in their 70s and 80s and without an illness.

To me that is a peaceful death. Perhaps with medical intervention people don’t die but become ill and medicine keeps them alive

Dying while people are trying to resuscitate you is definitely not peaceful. And the minutes after that, while they keep trying to bring you back aren’t either. It’s not just down to what’s happening in the person’s own body but also where it’s happening and the people around them.

I was first on the scene after a road accident between a car and a large (live) sheep transport. The old man in the car was severely injured, and I was fairly sure wouldn’t make it. I was very conscious of trying to make things more ‘peaceful’ for him, in the middle of chaos. I held my hands over his ears, so he couldn’t be stressed out by the 50 crazed noisy sheep around him. I like to think that though his injuries were caused through violence, his actual death was quite peaceful and smiley. It was one of the most powerful moments of my life, and I’m so grateful I was there.

There is a thought that comforts me about death. That it’s as natural as any other process our bodies go through. Birth, puberty, ageing, digestion, sex, etc. We are programmed for it to happen, and there are physical ‘shutting down’ mechanisms our body does to prepare us (and spare us stress). Now that I’ve given birth, it makes more sense to me. There’s some stress and pain, but different to other things that cause stress and pain. There’s also peace, joy and a sense of accomplishment! Might sound kooky, but I think death can be the same. And yes to drugs, to see us through birth AND death!

I was alone at home with my Dad when he died five years ago. He was 85 and not in good physical health, though mentally fine, and although I knew he wasn't going to get better, when the end came it was a shock. I was holding his hand, he had a seizure and I knew he'd gone. When I described it to the doctor, she said he'd had a peaceful death, though I found it traumatising. I had nightmares and flashbacks for months. I had had absolutely no idea what to expect - I really wish I had been better prepared for it.

With hindsight, I realise now that he'd been winding down in the days before he died, and had I understood better at the time, I think it would have been much easier to deal with.

Earsandlipstick
I disagree that ops mothers worries are just making her have stupid musings.

@SarahAndQuack what an excellent comment, you've summed up my thoughts really well.

@SarahAndQuack
Sorry, I meant this post, in particular:

"northern, I don't think it's the basic question that is upsetting people, so much as the other rather insensitive/provocative comments.

I don't believe anyone seriously believes every death is preceded by unconsciousness, for example. And I find it hard to imagine that anyone would assume days, months, or even years of suffering would be discounted from any consideration of what makes a 'peaceful' death. So, I do find those comments from the OP rather hard to read.

That's not because I haven't made my peace. I have. I absolutely believe we'd all benefit for being closer to death. But this is not the way"

Put really well, IMO