Question about dying re: peacefulness *trigger warning*

[Eliza9917]

I keep seeing people say 'passed away peacefully' etc, but aibu to wonder what a non peaceful passing is?

This is in relation to people that pass at home or in hospital, from old age or illness.

I've been there when a relative passed in a hospice and they developed a rattle the day before which got worse as time went on but what else could mean their passing isn't peaceful?

Apologies if this is a stupid or insensitive question.

Many experiences of death.
Yes, death / funeral notices in your local newspaper may likely mention 'peaceful' as they may have been very old and in care homes or passed away very quickly.
Not many people are going to print that their loved one died writhing in pain.
My experiences differ. 87 year old aunt died in her sleep. Both my Grandmothers died of cancer. One more peacefully than the other. My 29 yr old sister knew nothing about us switching her life support off. We probably suffered more than she did. My uncle who died last year of Meningitis, was neglected by NHS, but that was possibly his fault too as he didn't make a big deal of his symptoms.
29 year old friend with learning difficulties died of Ovarian cancer. No symptoms. Very sudden.
10 year old friend died from a childhood illness. Sure her parents got some relief from it being peaceful in the end.
2 friends in their 40s died in last 3 years. One long term cancer. She knew for sure when it got to the end. One knew nowt about it. Very sudden..
My Grandad died with a pool cue in one hand and a pint in the other. On my Grandmas birthday, which was also their wedding anniversary.
We said in the funeral notice that it was peaceful.
My other Grandad died very slowly from Althziemzers. Crap way to die. Didn't dress that up, but at the same time, didn't say in the funeral notice that he died a horrendous and very slow death over a couple of years.

Cranky17 no I'm not.

I've just seen this phrase posted quite a lot and wondered what a non peaceful passing is.

I don't know any nurses or medical people to ask.

I tried to make the title as self explanatory as possible so people that would be upset don't click on the thread.

Cranky17 no I'm not.

My apologies for the mix up

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the OP’s question, if anything we should be able to discuss death and how to help our loved ones and ourselves die as peacefully as possible.

My step dad did not die peacefully. He died awake, aware, with blood pouring from his ears and nose. He looked terrified. My boyfriend died peacefully; he just shut his eyes and never opened them again. He looked like he was sleeping when he was found.

A peaceful death is what I hope for, definitely not all death's are.

I don't think this is a bad question either.

Death is a fundamental part of life. In the not too distant past everyone would see people dying as hospice/hospital care wasn't available and would have first hand experience. If you haven't seen someone die how would you know what is meant by a peaceful death!

Lots of people do have a peaceful death, slipping into unconsciousness or passing away in their sleep. There are also people who don't go peacefully.

My dad did not die peacefully.

He basically suffocated to death(lung cancer) grabbing onto mum begging for help and asking why is she not helping him, with tears in his eyes.

Good enough example?

You might find this helpful.

www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/dying-is-not-as-bad-as-you-think/p062m0xt

Sarcasm
Makes Me sad to read that . My friend also had that and didn’t want to die which didn’t fucking help . In the end they sedated her and I wish they had done that in your case too bad deaths suck as they traumatise you afterwards

It's not a bad question, but it could have been more sensitively phrased and thoughtfully explained. I don't really believe anyone is incapable of reflecting that the phrase might cover the moments before death as well as the death itself.

Death can be peaceful, absolutely. It can also be the culmination of unimaginably hard experiences.

I think it’s a reasonable question but obviously not everyone passes away peacefully. I watched both of my grandfathers pass recently, both peacefully, final day/hours they looked comfortable and slipped away. Sadly not everyone passes this way.

Thank you jdster

It's neither stupid nor insensitive, you have put a trigger warning and it is natural to want to know what the end can be like when you have limited personal experience. No, not all passings are peaceful by any means but this can be dependant on many factors and we all hope that we, and our relatives will have adequate pain relief and be able to 'slip away' at the end of a long, fulfilling life when we feel ready, surrounded by loved ones. This is not always the case and fear, pain, circumstances and the actual cause of death can inhibit the peacefulness we hope for. You will get horrible examples here that you might not want to read though.

My dads was fairly horrific, was sudden and he knew what was happening. Despite him fighting he lapsed into unconciousness and our best efforts at resus were to no avail. We were all traumatised for ages.
I think people are "lucky" to die in a hospice where they have compassionate care rather than traumatically and in pain.

I think it is a very reasonable question to ask and the OP should not be shut down for doing so. I was at both my parents’ deathbed and neither was peaceful. There was a degree of agitation and “ fighting” at the end for both. I’m glad I was there in both cases but it was not easy, it was tiring and unpleasant.
When I arranged for a death notice for dad to be put in the local paper the undertaker had his stock phrase “ died peacefully at xxx on xxx date”. I told him I’d been there, it wasn’t particularly peaceful and I wanted those words removed. Maybe that is in part how the cliche gets perpetuated.

My FIL died in a car accident, it was a shocking end to his life and he was far too young. And my DH didn't get there in time to see him before he fell into unconsciousness; my BIL did thankfully so he wasn't alone when he passed into unconsciousness. My MIL was taken to another hospital to deal with her minor injuries, which is something she's found very hard to come to terms with.

His actual passing could be said to be peaceful, because he was unconscious, but the lead up to that was extremely distressing.

Some people on here will have unresolved bereavement issues ( quite understandably) and you might bear the brunt of their anger.

the undertaker had his stock phrase

I was going to say that. I fear that a lot of the people who 'died peacefully' did no such thing, but they don't print that in the paper. My dad died alone at home and it haunts me that it might not have been peaceful at all.

Surely, OP, when someone is murdered or killed in an RTA you would realise that this is not a peaceful death?

Passed away peacefully indicates to me that the person has reached the end of their natural life and passed away, hopefully in bed, being made comfortable by family or carers.

Deaths in hospices are not necessarily peaceful.

I saw several at the hospice where my grandmother died, and one in particular was the opposite of peaceful. Others (including my gran's) involved horrific, protracted suffering before moments of peace. I am endlessly grateful for those moments of peace, and feel privileged to have been able to be with her when she died, but it doesn't change the memory of hearing her scream the most unearthly screams I've ever heard, over and over, in the days leading up to her death.

Being blown up, murdered, killed if in a RTA are not what I was asking about though, if you read the op.

I was asking about what can happen during a death at home/hospice/hospital that makes it a non peaceful death.

I think the anger against the op is entirely misplaced. She asked a reasonable question to which she didn't know the answer. If we all talked a bit more about death we'd all be better off.

Op fwiw most of my relatives have had peaceful deaths, eased by medication or occurring suddenly without distress. As a non clinical nhs employee I can say that many deaths are like that though relatives are naturally often still very distressed by their perception of what's happening. Unfortunately some people suffer significant bleeding or other really disruptive events at the end of life and that's not peaceful. None of us can control what will or won't happen. i think we just need to do the best we can for the dying, however it comes, and accept that we can't do everything.

I work on an acute medical ward. For me, there is a very definite difference between a death I would describe as “peaceful” and the ones I wouldn’t. It has very little to do with the changes in breathing.

Put in probably the simplest terms, a patient with a morphine pump (syringe driver) in place and who appears unresponsive (not actually unconscious) is likely to have a death that most would describe as peaceful.

I’m not going to describe a “non-peaceful death” because I don’t think it would be particularly helpful.

I don’t think that OP deserves the aggression and nastiness they’re getting. The title was clear so if you’re going to be upset/offended why open the thread?