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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School forcing my son to play rugby

301 replies

Nearly47 · 06/03/2019 08:05

AIBU to think that it is wrong that the school is forcing my DS to compete in the rugby team?
When we joined I new he had to learn how to play and I have no issues with that. But to compete involves staying late at school twice a week and going to games Saturdays mornings plus he already plays football that's the sport he prefers. I am really annoyed and not sure how to proceed.

OP posts:

soeasilylost · 07/03/2019 19:51

School cannot “force” your child to play any sport. Either he plays or he doesn’t ultimately yours and his choice. As for all the posts regarding injury concussion and stop them playing for this reason then I’m afraid as I have personally experience you can lose your life in an instant doing nothing other than walking along a street or the demon disease that kills without prejudice so my view is live life do as you want, encourage your kids in whatever they wish to persue as life may be too short to worry about everything else. Our son plays rugby and at 15 has since he was 6 and now plays pretty high level and loves every single minute. Also does other very high risk sports and seriously live with my heart in my mouth but wouldn’t dream of stopping him doing what he loves. As I also wouldn’t make him do anyyhing if he didn’t want to. Life is for living not for worrying about “what may happen”. I’m not a hard or heartless person but have just learnt that live for today as tomorrow may never come along ❤️

Catsinthecupboard · 07/03/2019 19:54

Almost the only way doing sport on a cv is helpful is if the interviewer also played the same.

However, will he have trouble making/staying friends at school if he doesn't participate?

caringcarer · 07/03/2019 20:26

At least it is only one sport. My ds attends a special school and has to do cross country, cricket, atheletics and basket ball. He gets annoyed when he has to miss science lessons to go to another school to complete as he only gets two science lessons each week and he loves them. There are several children with physical disability and i point out to him x would love to be able to run fast.

Madcatgirl · 07/03/2019 20:35

If your son genuinely does not want to play then tell the school. If the school still kick back then I would strongly suggest you contact the Rfu. They are not keen on forcing any child to play. They obviously want to encourage everyone to play rugby, but there are new attitudes towards how players are looked after and brought through the age grade. School know this, they will have had the same advice that clubs from grassroots to elite level have had. Player welfare first and foremost, if he doesn’t want to play then he doesn’t. The end.

pollymere · 07/03/2019 22:15

Just how good is he at rugby? Is the teacher hinting he could become international? Maybe he just doesn't want talent to go to waste. Although Grammar schools take both sport and loyalty very seriously in my experience.

PurplePenguins · 07/03/2019 22:35

If he doesn't want to play rugby then tell the school he's not doing it. My DSs school tried this, "enrichment activities" after school were compulsory. There was a range of activities, music, drama, cookery, dance, science, sports etc. My DSs are involved in Scouting and football and it clashed. Also there wasn't anything they wanted to do. I told the school that they couldn't attend.

TheSandman · 08/03/2019 01:45

If he doesn't want to do it all he has to do is keep giving the ball to the opposing team. after two or three matches they'll drop him.

I hated Rugby at (comprehensive) school. But being Wales in the 1970s it was compulsory. The sports teachers were sadistic bastards. After a few weeks of spectacular ineptitude - culminating in my breaking my arm before I even got onto the pitch - I was totally ignored. For the rest of my school career, after a token appearance at the start of term, I would spend my sports periods in the library or the art room.

Character building my arse.

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/03/2019 02:45

I think he needs to just play very badly.

Original poster

Nearly47 · 08/03/2019 07:12

Thanks everyone for the advice. The playing badly won't happen because he is terribly competitive and he enjoys playing. He just prefers football. I will let him play until the end of the term and then try to reason with the school before the beginning of next season. Hopefully a different coach might let him off. I don't want to get into a fight with the school because he is the one who might suffer the consequences.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2019 08:29

Of all the crap advice I have read on here “he should play badly” is probably the worst. Apart from anything else, what do you think the effect on his life at a sporty school would be if he deliberately lost a match? And what sort of a lesson is it giving him about how to deal with problems?

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 08:37

Agree Bertrand not to mention the fact that a child trying to decide how to play badly isn’t giving their full concentration to the game which is dangerous in a high-risk environment

Deadbudgie · 08/03/2019 08:45

The only way sport should be compulsory is to ensure a certain level of activity. It sounds like your DSreaches that through football. After that it’s a hobby. Can you imagine a school demanding a child rocks up after school and on a Saturday to do history club (which would actually be far more useful to society than rugby) if they would rather spend their Saturday mornings scouring the jurrasiccoast for fossils because they like geology?

Many families have to travel the length and breadth of the country on weekends visiting family and sometimes parents every other weekend if they are divorced. What happens then. I’d be telling the school a firm no. Rugby is a dangerous sport necessitating physical contact. Why should a school be allowed to force a child to participate in something where he could get seriously injured and have to come into physical contact with strangers when the child has clearly said this is against their wishes! What is that teaching a child about the right to decide what happens to their bodies?

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 08:48

Why should a school be allowed to force a child to participate in something where he could get seriously injured and have to come into physical contact with strangers when the child has clearly said this is against their wishes!

Absolutely agree. When I do PE sessions (rather than after school sessions) I always ensure there are activities to do that are still relevant but mean those who don’t wish to participate in full contact don’t have to.

riceuten · 08/03/2019 08:58

that is definitively taking the "all kids are equal" nonsense a step too far

Ah yes, that old myth, as propagated by the Daily Mail

LakieLady · 08/03/2019 08:59

employers did prefer the ones who have been part of the competitive team, because their training was intense, things like up at 5am every day to train. These young people were obviously more dedicated, more rounded than the others.

Or, to look at it another way, more likely to be easily manipulated into complying with ridiculous demands into what should be their free time. I can see why an employer might find that a desirable trait, tbh.

onegiftedgal · 08/03/2019 09:28

How tiny is your son's secondary school op? I only say that because my son would love to be picked for something but there are 150 boys in his year and a team takes what 20?
You should be proud that they have noticed your son's ability on the rugby pitch.

JacquesHammer · 08/03/2019 10:25

I only say that because my son would love to be picked for something but there are 150 boys in his year and a team takes what 20?
You should be proud that they have noticed your son's ability on the rugby pitch

The two situations aren’t comparable. The OP’s son doesn’t want to play!

MeAgainAgain · 08/03/2019 10:49

He is sporty by the sound of it but his real interest is football that he already does in the week etc

I suppose children that are physically adept do end up with this sort of thing with all the sports wanting a piece of them!

Not an issue I've ever faced :D

whatevermaycome · 08/03/2019 17:53

Playing poorly endangering other pupils At DS's school it would mean lurking on the sidelines rather than say attempting to injure anyone. OP I do gel for you but if your son is competitive and clearly fit and able then it's likely he'll be selected. Hopefully he'll enjoy it in time as much as football :)

Northernparent68 · 08/03/2019 19:35

Op, I do not understand why you do nt just tell the school he’s not doing it. You mentioned consequences but what can the school do to him ?

He needs to know his mother will fight his corner, this is your chance to stand up for him.

The advantage of playing football outside of school is it gives him a break from school, and assuming he’s playing for the youth wing of an adult club he could end up playing for the adult men’s team. In comparison school team ends when he leaves school.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2019 19:39

I reckon the kid wants to do both, but the OP wants more homework time.

Original poster

Nearly47 · 08/03/2019 20:21

I don't set the homework. The school does. And that's the only school work I ask of him.
I think kids nowadays are too busy. I had loads of free time growing up. And that's probably the main reason I don't like him to have organised activities that will take all his free time and might also interfere with homework time. I think one sport is enough for most people. He does PE, he plays basketball, walks to school. Sometimes he goes cycling or running with his dad. When summer comes we enjoy going for long walks as family. I know as he grows up this might change but for now I find to have at least one day a week free of commitments so we can decide what we want to do is important ( even if sometimes it's doing the spring cleaning and watching Netflix )

OP posts:

gallicgirl · 09/03/2019 13:51

It's disappointing to see that schools think they can force kids to do stuff like this still.
My DH went to a state school and was one of those kids who was good at any sport. He played cricket with the Flintoffs and was coached by their dad, he played football for the school and local town club, he participated in all sports as required. However he hated rugby but was forced to play it at school. He was basically told if he didn't play on the school rugby team, he wouldn't be allowed to play the other sports he enjoyed. It still rankles with him 30 years on.

I'm with your son on this one. Do your homework, play sport in school but they can jog on for any voluntary extra curricular activities.

John2022 · 09/10/2022 11:56

Now I have exactly the same situation with my DS as OP ! It is really stressed and the school keeps on pushing, different PE teachers conversation almost daily with my DS! Unbearable!
I hope OP have resolved the problem and OP's DS happy with the sport arrangement.
Just wondering whether OP can share any update about the Rugby situation.

notdaddycool · 09/10/2022 11:59

Have you looked at the many articles linking head injuries, concussion and dementia to Rugby, another gestation and it will be dead in schools, but ask them about their rush agreements around it.

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